The absolute best part about Thanksgiving, and I’m sure you’ll all agree with me on this, is being the one to take the life of the turkey you and your family will feast upon. Nothing is sweeter than watching the light fade from that godless beast’s eyes before breathing in its soul as it attempts to escape that lifeless vessel and climb its way toward animal Heaven. But that soul never gets there, does it? No, we capture it deep within our lungs and harness it’s energy for more evil. For as long as we can remember, the turkey has been the symbol of this great November holiday. Usually around this time of year I like to spend my energy talking about how great Columbus was and how slaughtering the Native American scourge was essential to establishing democracy, but this year I want to pay homage to our animal brethren. Each year these little guys gobble their way right into our hearts, and eventually our stomachs. And they’re delicious, like, crazy delicious. I pity those self-righteous vegetarians and vegans who are totally missing out on devouring the moist, tender flesh of these birds whose only crime was circumstance. Yes, circumstance. You know that new Red Bull commercial that shows the Pilgrim and Native American walking toward those farm animals and then the pig shares its energy drink with the others and they fly away (due to the wings), but there’s none left for the turkey, thus the turkey is the one eaten for Thanksgiving? That wasn’t clever writing; that’s based on fact. That’s how it happened. Turkeys are butchered every year for our gluttonous pleasure because of bad luck which, admittedly, is unfair. So maybe we should mix it up every now and then.
One of my favorite hypothetical questions to ask people is, ‘what endangered animal you would eat if given the opportunity?’ For the sake of argument, let’s say that whatever animal you choose would be prepared by a five-star chef and would be 100% guaranteed disease-free. There will be no chance of getting sick from eating it. Also, everyone in the world is totally alright with this happening, regardless of what beloved creature you choose. No matter how many are left. If you decide to consume the last Galapagos Penguin, no one will care. When you swallow that final morsel of Red Panda, the President of PETA will give you a high-five and ask you how it tasted. You can absolutely inhale an entire Snow Leopard without having to worry about being cast off as a social pariah. Paranoid about being excommunicated? Heavens no! Just finish up your Sri Lankan Elephant, it’s getting cold! And you better eat all of it. There are kids in Ethiopia chowing down on their dirt sandwiches, don’t ya know? Those kids aren’t privileged enough to be able to eat an endangered species. So, with all this information, what animal would you eat?
Without a care in the world, you say? Well, let me strap on my bib and fill my feedbag with Dugong! Which, by the way, is not just a Pokémon, but a real animal (so it turns out). I would suggest that every year we eat something different for Thanksgiving right off the Endangered Species list. I have graciously stepped forward to pick out the first three entrees. Oh snap! I just noticed something amazing! This list is organized by level of endangerment. It goes from “least concern” to “near threatened” to “vulnerable” to “endangered” to “critically endangered.” I personally always answered my own hypothetical question with either Bald Eagle (nothing more patriotic than that!) or dolphin. There was an episode of Futurama where they eat some dolphin (along with other endangered species) and it looked like the tits. But for my first new Thanksgiving article in three years, I’ll go against the grain and choose some new and exciting creatures to eat! And just for fun, let’s take all three choices from the “critically endangered” part of the list!
1) Yangtze Finless Porpoise
This guy just looks so meaty! I have a hunger erection already! It looks tender and soft and looks to be enough for the whole family! It doesn’t look too healthy though… Just the way we like it, right guys? American loves fatty, greasy foods and this guy looks like the fattest, greasiest thing in the ocean! But not for long. Mmmmm! Personally, I could see porpoise being good with some soy sauce. It should definitely be marinated overnight so the flavors can really flourish. It’s a heavy meal. Make sure you have plenty of starches for sides to compliment this down and dirty, Southern-style dish. Chicken fried porpoise? Yes, please!
2) South China Tiger
What a beautiful and majestic creature. The only way the South China Tiger could look any more incredible would be between two sesame seed buns. It seems to me that this tiger has the perfect amount of fat and muscle which, in my opinion, would make an excellent filet. You could cook this guy up barbecue style. Or maybe a good stir fry? The sky is the limit when you’re working with good ingredients. And who doesn’t love Chinese food? I think that’s a big selling point as well.
3) Leatherback Turtle
I was hesitant thinking about eating a turtle. But the more I contemplated it, the hungrier I became. I imagine a Leatherback Turtle being a lot like soft-shell crab. And how leathery could it really be? Beef jerky is tough and a lot of work, but we all eat it by the bag full. Fruit leathers are another comparable texture. But sure, some people are going to be turned off by the shell aspect. Well, that’s what turtle soup is for! I know, I know, it’s a bit cliché. But while sipping your soup, just consider that there are not many of these guys left and you’re really going to be one of the few people on the planet who get to savor this gift from God. Yum!
*In case this article made you hungry (and it definitely did) here’s the WWF’s link to their dinner menu*
The Canadian indie rock duo that is Tegan and Sara has been on the scene now since 1995 and they have never been more gay. If you are not already privy to this information, I’ll inform you now that Tegan and Sara are indeed identical twin sisters, both of whom are openly gay. But get this shit, both of them are actually pretty attractive. What are the odds that both identical twin sisters would be above average in the looks department? I’d say at best, a 32 percent chance that these identical twins are both makin’ it happen physically. I’m no mathematician, but I’m always right 102 percent of the time. One of my best friends is a math major studying to become a math teacher and/or an actuary and/or unemployed and it kills him, literally kills him, that I’m so much better at math than he is. The pain, jealousy, and inferiority that he feels every single moment of every single day is slowly manifesting itself as cancer in all of his most tender and vulnerable areas. I out math him constantly, and it’s pathetic. He’s pathetic. But my point is, math wise, I kinda fucking know what I’m talking about. Thus, my estimation of both identical twin sisters looking that bangin’ being only 32 percent, and it being wrong, that these girls have defied the odds and decided that they won’t just look exactly the same, but also be exactly the same level of hotness? It’s proven my math incorrect in this particular situation. Which is not cool. It’s the equivalent of a Down Syndrome kid telling Copernicus , “uh, the Sun is over there, dude.” It’s like Shakespeare writing a play in his study, but not getting a blowjob from a man at the same time. It’s un-American.
But hey, I’m not bitter about it. I don’t dwell on such trivial things such as my strengths being weaknesses. Tegan and Sara are both attractive, and now I’ve moved on. However, there is still one question plaguing the mind of every man, woman, and child on this planet. Both of these girls are hot lesbian sisters, huh? Well, do they bang each other? Fair query, no doubt. In fact, it’s such an obvious concern that if you try and tell me you have actually never wondered whether or not they bang each other, well you’re the real bigot. Where do you get off not wanting to know whether these lesbian sisters get down and dirty with incest? It’s fundamental knowledge. Listen, everyone loves lesbian porn (let me preface this with “when both chicks are hot”). So this is all fair game. Lesbians have sex with other lesbians. Tegan and Sara are both lesbians. Heterosexual sisters sometimes get down with each other. So, Tegan and Sara… What’s the deal, you guys scissor or what?
I’m going to ruin this topic for everyone right now. Tegan and Sara probably don’t bang each other. The fundamentally disturbing incestuous point being moot, there is a more relevant reason why they probably don’t bang each other. Because let’s face it, if Tegan and Sara banged each other, there would be no war. What would anyone have to fight about? Every time Palestine and Jewish Land had some squabble, they’d just play Tegan and Sara’s 2009 album “Sainthood” and all would be forgiven. Anytime an Al-Qaeda suicide bomber starts strapping C4 to his chest with plans to walk into a Washington D.C. elementary school, he could just set his iPod to play Tegan and Sara’s hit dingle “Closer”. Why, if Adolf Hitler ever crawled out of his grave because some dumb schlub in 1945 buried that dude in a pet cemetery and he reanimated and start sprinting toward the Rhineland, intent on eating the brains of every Rhinelandian, someone could just Fonzy the jukebox and guess what would play? Some Tegan and Sara? Yeah, you bet your fat ass some Tegan and Sara would start blarin’ out that jukebox! Zombie Hitler would spit those brains right back into the skull he’d just cracked open and start dancing right there in the bar! How could he NOT dance? Those lesbians can write some music, man! His feet would be mesmerized by those melodies! How do I know Tegan and Sara probably don’t bang each other? ‘Cause Zombie Hitler hasn’t started his Fourth Reich!
But alas, the sad truth is war exists. Thus, Tegan and Sara probably bang other chicks. I mean, maybe after a few drinks they at least watch the other bang… Maybe Tegan finds some frumpy little thing after a show, gets her drunk, and has her way with her while Sara watches? People, we can still dream. But if you’re waiting for the day where the new Tegan and Sara music video features the two of them rolling around on each other in white hot sin, think again. Tegan will think twice before she touches that girl. If she comes around she’s gonna feel the burn. The burn obviously in this case being Satan’s Hell-fire. Don’t wait for that video, for it shall never come. You guys are just going to have to get out of bed, go to your menial jobs, and take out your troubles and frustrations on your subordinates. Oh, and if you got that Eve 6 reference before, you’re cool.
Charlie Sheen’s “My Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. We went to it. We paid a lot of money to see it, and it was beyond awful. Also, Kevin won’t bring his boyfriend around us. Is he afraid we’ll embarrass him? ‘Cause we will! We’ll ruin his whole FUCKING relationship! Frank sees a dude on the train that he went to high school with and the dude completely disregards train etiquette by sitting down across from him. What the hell are they gonna talk about for an hour? Keep walking, dude!
This is the last episode of Morning Sickness we recorded for that internet radio station before they abruptly cancelled us because they ran out of money to pay us. It was an incredible experience and helped us pay back all the money we spent to buy the radio equipment that we still use today. DeadAirFM would like to thank anyone who listened to this program, whether it was once or all twenty-four! Send us your address and we’ll come over and bang out your mom! It’s the least we can do.
Lea Michele’s boyfriend is dead, and no matter how many sad tribute songs the Glee cast sings next season, he’s going to stay dead. I mean, unless they re-cast his character with a very similar looking white male. In that case he would stop being dead, but only in the fictional world of Glee. But no matter how good that Cory Monteith clone looks, Lea Michele will always know in her heart that he’s still totally dead. Like, #deadandnevercomingback. With her life in shambles, because I’m assuming he was her everything (most girls think this way), she is going to need a new man to walk down the red carpet with. Lea Michele, I’m calling you out. It’s been almost a month; it’s time to move on. You and I need to start having sex on a regular basis and our emotions need to intertwine like some perverse, unholy strand of relationship DNA. I understand you were probably in “love” with this dude, but it’s time to grow up.
Let’s address the elephant in the room, because this is a huge goddamn elephant and it’s breaking all my furniture. Cory Monteith just died. My gut tells me Lea Michele is not going to be ready to start a new torrid love affair just let. I don’t know, it must be my misogynistic intuition. What the hell is she waiting for? Doesn’t she realize that she’s 26? In two years her baby making organs are going to dry up and that biological clock is going to be as dead as Cory Monteith. Now, I know what you’re going to say… Joe, you don’t even have an interest in having children. Yeah, that’s very true. But here’s the thing, I really like the idea that after about three months of us dating, Hollywood people are going to be constantly asking her when we are going to have kids. That’s going to drive her crazy, and I can imagine getting a real kick out of her frustration. People will just ask me questions like “how’s the sex?”, and I will respond with a shrug of the shoulders, which would be interpreted as “good enough.” I want to keep her striving for perfection, you know? These maneuvers will force Lea Michele out of her comfort zone and make her self-conscious enough to begin a romantic entanglement with me. But first I need to make her forget about her dead boyfriend. To be honest, after two paragraphs I kind of expected her to be over it by now, but my agent (my dog) just told me she’s still hung up on that guy. I bet she still wants to attend the funeral! Babe, there’s other dick in the sea.
I have a few ideas to make Lea Michele forget about Cory Monteith and fall head over heels in love with me. These are my top three.
A) My first idea is brilliant, so brilliant in fact that there really won’t be any reason to even consider the other two phenomenal ideas I’ve cooked up in my broiler of genius because this one is so tits. I make a list of Lea Michele’s hottest friends and family members (all female, don’t be crude you rascals) and begin very serious romantic relationships with them. I tell them my deepest, darkest secrets and open up to all of them like never before. I will share things no one knows. They will trust me like no man before. I will make passionate and intense love to each of them. Before doing this, I will participate in several sex seminars with world renowned experts in the carnal arts, so that these women experience the most violently amazing orgasms of their entire lives. They will never reach this level of ecstasy with another man. I will date these women for years. I will propose to them, they will accept, and we will be married. I will have children with these women. We will move to the suburbs, start a life together, and raise these children to the best of my abilities. All the houses will be in the same neighborhood so that I can sneak into each family’s life at a moment’s notice to keep up appearances. They will never know because of my cunning. They will be so deep in love with me that they wouldn’t know what to do without me. Then I’ll destroy them. Abandon the entire family, disown the children, break their fucking hearts. They will all run to Lea Michele to tell her how they blew it with the one perfect guy. Each sad tale of heartbreak will touch Lea Michele more and more. She will have a desperate, insatiable need to find me and make her move. She must have the perfect man all for herself.
B) FILE NOT FOUND.
C) FILE NOT FOUND.
Alright, so I didn’t really come up with three great ideas. After I came up with the first one, I fell asleep. I was on a substantial amount of painkillers, and I was mixing them with alcohol. Whatever, I’m in recovery. I received my four hour chip at the last meeting and everyone was really proud of me. Like, so proud. Anyway… This plan will be tough to pull off without some money. I’m kind of going to depend on Lea Michele to be the breadwinner in the relationship… I was going to need some help, because clearly the banks aren’t going to give me that many loans with my credit score. I needed some advice on the manner. My ex-girlfriend (whom I was with for almost three years) seemed to be the best person to go to since she would be able to provide a fresh perspective on how I should attain a new girlfriend. She refused to let me use her real name, so we settled on her nickname while we dated. This is the conversation we had…
Joe: Do you think Lea Michele and I would make a good couple?
Bearclaw: lol I have no idea… not that I think you’ll ever actually meet her.
Joe: Her boyfriend just died like the other day. That Glee guy. Do you think she’s over that yet, or do you think she’s still probably crying and shit?
Bearclaw: I’m gonna go with crying and shit.
Joe: How long do you think I should wait? Like, when is she going to be over it? How long did it take you to get over me, like forever right?
Bearclaw: You didn’t die… as for how long you should wait, shouldn’t you be running this by Alicia? Lol
(Alicia is my current girlfriend)
Joe: Alicia loves me; she wants me to be happy. And deep down, she knows I will be happy with Lea Michele. What do you think is the best way to win her over, naked pictures or chunks of my hair?
Bearclaw: Ummm I’m gonna say neither…and why Lea Michele of all people?
Joe: Well, she’s recently single and she’s crazy hot. Oh, and damaged (now at least).
Bearclaw: There are plenty of way hotter people out there. Not necessarily recently single and damaged though so maybe not. Or at least not meeting your criteria.
Joe: Alright, name three hotties. People I should be focusing my energy on.
Bearclaw: You shouldn’t be focusing your energy on anyone! You have a girlfriend already!
Joe: Oh my God, you’re so jealous of Lea Michele!
Joe: You’re getting so worked up about this, you either really have a hatred for Lea Michele for stealing my attention, or maybe you’re kind of attracted to her yourself…?
Bearclaw: Neither…I just support relationships lol. Also think she’s kinda weird looking sometimes, but more because her boyfriend just died and yours is still alive, so yeah not a good combo.
Joe: I can’t believe I never noticed this before, you’re so transparent… You’re in love with Lea Michele! Well, you can’t have her! She’s mine!
Bearclaw: -______- You’re crazy.
Joe: Crazy about Lea Michele.
Bearclaw: Whatever you say.
Joe: Anyway, so you do think her boyfriend JUST dying is gonna be a problem?
Joe: I see… And is it alright if I post this conversation into the Lea Michele article I’m writing?
Bearclaw: No, not at all.
Joe: I see… You uh, you know I’m going to have to use this conversation, right?
Bearclaw: You better not use this conversation.
Joe: Thanks in advance! You’re the best!
Bearclaw: I hate you.
(We’re still like, totally great friends!)
Lea Michele! We’re perfect for each other. I like monkeys, you like monkeys. I like goats, you like goats. It’s like God crafted the two most beautiful people of all-time from the same sexy mold, but then Cory Monteith stormed the walls of Heaven and separated us, stealing her away from me, forcing me to walk the Earth alone, quelling my vast sexual needs by banging every attractive woman that crosses my sight. That wasn’t fair to those women, Cory. They wanted to have me for themselves, but I was already spoken for. But finally, God stuck down that guy, and gave the world a chance to gaze upon greatness. Lea Michele, with me, for eternity. Lea, I’m ready to accept you into my life and fulfill prophecy. Unless you’re not interested, in which case… Fuck you! I can have anyone! I don’t need you! I hate you!
With the 2013-2014 NFL season quickly approaching like an escaped rabid coyote from my loosely fortified coyote ranch, the New England Patriots have some holes to fill in their roster if they intend to remain a contender for the sport’s highest honor. Just like the arrogant and smug New York Yankees, the Patriots not only feel they deserve an NFL championship every year, but that they are entitled to it. And if they are to make such an outrageous claim this year, they will need to fill the void at tight end. With Rob Gronkowski’s season in doubt after his two hundredth surgery in the past month, and Aaron Hernandez being charged with murdering his friend, Odin Lloyd, the Patriots will have to look into free agency to address the lack of depth at tight end. And the only logical choice is to sign George Zimmerman. Sure, Zimmerman has had a tumultuous career, but I think he’s just the veteran presence New England needs to light a fire under their offense and take them straight to Hell… err, I mean, a Super Bowl. The Patriots are no strangers to having killers on their team after all. Aaron Hernandez is a best friend killer, Tom Brady is a lady killer… With all these chickens in the pot, the cluck stops here: The New England Patriots will once again be World Champions.
But maybe they don’t have to sign Zimmerman? A high profile player of his caliber will surely demand a huge signing bonus, along with an annual salary that will push the team close to the cap every year while he’s on the roster. With Gronko poised to never play again (he just had another surgery while I wrote that last sentence), the Pats should just stick with Hernandez. “Uh, but Joe, that guy is probably going to prison! What the Don DeLillo are you talking about?” asks the uneducated and sexually inadequate reader. Guys, come on, that dude is not going to prison. He plays football in the NFL. That’s the National Football League. And this is only his first murder. He needs at least five more DUI’s, three more drug possession charges, and a rape before this guy is even considered a backup tight end, let alone a felon. Football is the only thing that matters in this country and if it’s one thing we’ve learned over the years, it’s that America doesn’t care what you do off the field, as long as you bring it on the field (e.g. Ray Lewis, Ben Roethlisberger, Donte Stallworth, etc). Unless you were around people that killed dogs or shot yourself in the leg (e.g. Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress). In those cases the public will relentlessly turn on you… Dogs trump people in our world.
That being said, why hasn’t this whole Aaron Hernandez thing been dropped yet? He had almost 1,000 receiving yards in 2011, let it go. Hernandez was going to have a breakout year and now because some whiny family can’t just collect their “keep quiet money” and move on, the Patriots’ season is in jeopardy. What’s become of this world? People used to care about the important things, like when professional athletes could kill whoever they wanted without any repercussions. Well, I’m here to set the record straight. Because there’s something you people don’t know. There’s something the world doesn’t know. Aaron Hernandez and Odin Lloyd are close personal friends of mine, and I was there the night that he died. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I’m not in the NFL, so I didn’t think I could get away with it, you know? But now I see that the highest stature a person can reach in this country means nothing anymore. It’s time that the truth was heard. Did Aaron Hernandez murder Odin Lloyd? You bet he did. But Odin was being a real asshole that night and kind of had it coming. This is how I remember it…
The three of us were out living the dream. We were celebrating Gronkowski’s latest surgery. Now the path was clear for Hernandez to be the Patriots’ starting tight end. “This feels incredible,” started Aaron. “Like I’m riding a unicorn across a rainbow.” Aaron would always get overly poetic when drunk. “Yeah man, shits tight,” I replied. We started doing body shots off of huge breasted women. We were getting countless underage groupies pregnant in bathroom stalls. We were shooting each other in the legs with unregistered handguns and drowning dogs in buckets of water. There was no telling how high our star would rise. But then Odin started up with that heroin shit again, and anytime he started up with that heroin shit, shit just got cray. In case you people don’t know, Odin was dating the sister of Aaron’s fiancée. Aaron loved his girl and would do anything for her. And she was never thrilled with her sister dating such a lowlife like Odin. Anyway, Odin starts shooting heroin into his neck and dick. Like, right down his urethra. It was intense. The nightclub pretty much stopped dead in it’s tracks. The DJ stopped the music, it was completely silent. Everyone was staring at Odin as he carefully placed the needle into the tip of his dick. The only thing audible was the heavy panting of Odin himself. It was really uncool, we go to that club all the time.
Needless to say, the bouncer asked us politely to leave. The bouncer (another mutual friend between the three of us), was practically in tears having to ask two of his best pals and Odin to leave the club that he’s built his reputation on. Odin didn’t take getting thrown out well. He was constantly being thrown out of places for his raucous, horrible behavior. This was the hamburger that broke the turtle’s back. He spit right in the bouncer’s face, which was like, so dick. He wiped away the spit, but not without some tears. Breaking his tough guy character, the owner of the club had no choice but to fire him. We loved that guy. He always carded us before we entered the bar. It made us feel young and he knew that. The next bouncer would probably wave us right through, making us feel old and decrepit. But these were not the thoughts that went through Odin’s head. He only had one thing left on his mind. “Come on, guys. I want to go back to Aaron’s house and bang out his fiancée,” said Odin. Odin wanted to cheat on his own girlfriend (Aaron’s fiancée’s sister) by banging Aaron’s fiancée (his girlfriend’s sister). It was pretty much the worst thing he could have said to us. And when he said it, he was making direct eye contact with Aaron. It’s like he didn’t even care!
We decided to walk back to Aaron’s house since we were all too intoxicated to operate a motor vehicle. We spent the majority of that walk trying to talk Odin out of his plans to ruin the lives and relationships of all these people. This stuff was hard to keep track of and wrap your head around. Odin wouldn’t listen. “Hey Aaron, would it be alright if I had both your fiancée and my girlfriend at the same time? You know, like sexually?” Odin asked. Aaron and I assumed it was a rhetorical question, but Odin seemed to be waiting for an answer. I could see Aaron getting angrier and angrier. He was clenching his five year chip he received from completing anger management so hard I thought it would diffuse through his skin and enter his bloodstream. And then it did diffuse through his skin and entered his bloodstream! That’s when I knew I had very little time to pacify this situation before Aaron lost his cool. “Hey Odin, why don’t you cut it out, man,” I said, even doing the hand gesture Dave Coulier used to make on Full House. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to cool out…” Odin started. “I’m going to cool out Aaron’s fiancées stomach… with uh, my semen… ‘cause um, the stomach is acidic and my semen… is, uh… basic. And that’ll neutralize…” Odin trailed off. Odin got phenomenally bad grades in chemistry, I don’t know where the guy was going with that shit. He was probably insinuating that she would swallow his load or something, but like, shut up man. That’s when Aaron had enough. He walked across the street to the 24-hour gun store, applied for a pistol license, selected the appropriate firearm for a beginner, waited for the necessary background checks to be completed, registered the firearm, walked back across the street, and shot Odin in his fat fucking face. “Oh snap!” I started. “We better get rid of this body.” Aaron shrugged. “Nah, let’s just leave it right here with a bunch of evidence that incriminates me, then go back to my house and destroy my home security system.” I didn’t question it, he was the professional.
Tons of bullshit to talk about today! Joe and Frank Commentary! Executive Perks! Music News! Celebrity Dogs! Fantasy Baseball Stress! Celebrity Apprentice! But the real story is that Frank is furious that Kevin tutors him in math while high on drugs. Don’t miss it!