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I Bet We’re All Sorry We Ba-Rocked The Vote Now…

This entry was posted on Jun 29 2010

Alright, let me start off by saying that I think Barack Obama is a real cool guy. He fills out NCAA brackets and goes on Saturday Night Live. I’m simply saying that we cut our losses. The guy had a good run, but it’s time for change! (sound familiar?)

With approval ratings beginning to tumble, it’s time to start thinking about ourselves. Hey Joe, isn’t that kind of selfish? You’re damn right it is! That’s one of the morals this country was founded on! Being selfish has skyrocketed the United States of America to elite world power. Listen, I know it’s cool to hate on Columbus Day because Chris was such a bad guy with his eradicating all of the Native Americans and what not, but how about this for a reality check; if he hadn’t been there done that, WE might not be here. Hmm, didn’t think of that, huh?

Obama is floundering out there, man! That’s right! Floundering! We’re still waiting to close Guantanamo Bay, aren’t we? What’s the hold up? Shoot everyone in the head and burn the place to the ground! Oh wait, liberals don’t believe in capitol punishment. If only we had a go-getter willing to take care of the dirty work. (Foreshadowing, BAM!) Not to mention unemployment is still rampant, jobs have yet to recover, and everyone is crying about this whole ‘endless war’ thing. It’s time to move forward…scratch that, backward.

Enter: George W. Bush. Is it any coincidence that the minute Obama took over we spiraled into a recession? Now listen, I’m not proposing anything crazy here…

Crazy Proposal #1) Ten Hummer limos arrive outside the Bush residence in Texas. Nancy Pelosi knocks on the door, a defeated look on her face. Our hero, GWB steps out of his house, only to see the entire Senate and House of Representatives on his lawn, cheering in orgasmic exuberance. Bush towers over Pelosi as she begs for his forgiveness for ever doubting him. “Come home, Mr. President”, Pelosi cries. She tears the Constitution into pieces on the porch and throws them into the air. Bush smiles, and punches Pelosi directly in the face, killing her instantly. The crowd goes wild before they take leave for Washington DC so Bush can take back his throne. The economy recovers within hours and Iraq surrenders.

Crazy Proposal #2) Barack Obama calls GWB on his Boost Mobile Sidekick and admits he’ll never be as funny as him. Bush accepts the apology and proposes the two of them go to Iraq themselves to “take care of business”. The two parachute into Iraq and with only their hunting knives and bare hands kill every single man, woman, and child in that country. They then both walk over to Afghanistan, re-creating several moments from the movie “Almost Heroes” along the way. Once everyone in Afghanistan is dead, Obama resigns are President after signing an amendment (which is passed unanimously) to have Bush take over. Obama is appointed Chief Bellhop, a position he accepts, gladly.

Alright, I know what you’re thinking. Joe, you’re gorgeous. I will probably pleasure myself to your image after I finish this article. I thank you for the compliment, but we’re talking about politics right now. We all need to team together and march on Washington if we ever hope to achieve our dream of bringing GWB back! FDR stuck around for more than two terms, so why can’t an American hero? Even Bloomberg was all, “Two term limit? Fuck that”.

The Barack Obama experiment has run it’s course, folks. I mean, it’s BEEN SIXTEEN MONTHS! I understand that the idea of Obama continuing with his Presidency while a more qualified, better looking man sits home in his ranch in Texas infuriates you, but look on the bright side…the new KFC Double Down is available for only five bucks! God Bless America.

- Jobalak

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