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A final solution for Leno’s ratings slide

This entry was posted on Jul 24 2010

I decided to start watching these late night talk shows again two weeks ago to see what’s up (not because I’m unemployed and wake up at 1 pm everyday). It was pretty shocking watching these shows with fresh eyes after having not followed them at all for months and months. Since Conan O’Brien left the late night TV scene things just haven’t been the same. At least for me.  The rest of America seems to agree though. As ratings for all the late night hosts have slid this year with the exception of Jimmy Kimmel. This might be in part caused by George Lopez’s new late night show on TBS which is actually rating pretty well considering it’s on cable. He’s definitely stolen all the Latin viewers. Jimmy Fallon is okay… maybe. His personality is fine (despite the fact that his monologues are horrid) but the writing fails him each and every night. The show focuses too much on being hip and not enough on comedy. It’s shameful that a late night show with The Roots as it’s house band sucks. Letterman is a corpse. He’s been dead for years. He is the product of a master taxidermist. He is nothing more than a giant marionette and if you look closely enough you can see the strings controlling the movement of his appendages. His show is macabre. Craig Ferguson is irrelevant. His accent alone makes his show unwatchable. Enough said. Carson Daly deserves props though. I’ve never seen someone do so much with so little talent. Everything he has done has been beyond horrible and before you say “BUT WHAT ABOUT TRL FRANK? WHAT ABOUT TRL??!!!” Shut up you were 14 and you were a god damn idiot. You would have watched clips of monkey’s throwing their own shit at each other if N’Sync was played in the background and you could vote on it. Hell, you still might watch that. So your opinion doesn’t count. Shut the fuck up and keep reading. Last Call is what you are forced to watch in the 7th circle of hell. Kimmel is the only incumbent late night talk show doing well and I kind of get it. Not because his show is funny, but because he isn’t some old decrepit walking dead piece of shit straight out of a George Romero film. Apparently that’s enough to have success in the late night TV world now.

Jay Leno has just lost it. He looks defeated and depressed. Though I really don’t know what he has to be depressed about considering he got his way and got his show back, but still he looks like a rape victim who has just been informed that she is carrying the rapists child and has lost the will to go on. He should make a cameo on Law and Order: SVU. Honestly though, that’s a theory. I think he has been raped. He just has that look. He is listlessly going through the motions like he doesn’t even want to be there… HOSTING THE TONIGHT SHOW. He is so lifeless that he is being overshadowed by every single person that comes on screen with him.  He had this ultra gay Hollywood correspondent (Ross Mathews) on talking about gay squirrels trying to sodomize Antonio Sabato jr and Jay just let him roll with it. Really? Jay might have said 5 words during the entire segment. It’s his responsibility as the host of The Tonight Show to protect the audience from this type of shit. He should have stepped in and broken Ross Mathews’ neck right there on the spot. If he was on his game he would have. Now I understand that Jay probably doesn’t want this guy on as a regular part of the show and NBC is probably pushing this on him… but still. He couldn’t have seemed more disinterested with his job and the audience was absolutely tortured for almost 10 minutes by some lump that think he’s funny because he has a high pitched voice and loves dick. “I’m really gay! GET IT?!”

This show is in trouble and he knows it. When Conan comes back in the fall on TBS it’s going to be a bloodbath. Leno just doesn’t have the energy to fight it. This is going to get embarrassing and I think he already realizes this, I just don’t think he has a solution. Well… I have a solution. If he takes my advice he will beat Conan when his new show premieres in the fall and for weeks after as well. What I propose is that powerful and I think that Jay just might be up to it after watching him. What am I talking about? … Suicide. OH YEAH. He needs to kill himself the day before Conan’s new show’s debut. It doesn’t have to be during the taping of his show but it has to be grizzly.  I’m not talking about OD’ing on Ambien. I mean he needs to blast his face off with a shotgun. The world will be shocked. It will mourn.  His story will be the only one on TV for a couple of days at least. NBC will run re-runs of old classic Jay in his prime Tonight Shows… and people will watch. Conan who? They will forget all about Conan. The ratings will be massive. This ratings bonanza can last for weeks and totally spoil Conan’s debut. Jay will go out on top. If he writes a suicide note and hides it so that it is found with his belongings a few days later he can extend his victory lap for a few more shows.

Listen, something has happened to Jay. Not that I ever thought he was funny… but older people did it’s kind of a generational thing. I get that. And even though I didn’t find him funny he still had this energy and presence that the host of The Tonight Show should have. He held it down for a long long time. He was the man even if you didn’t like him. That Jay is gone and he isn’t coming back. Jay needs to listen to me. He doesn’t want to be here anymore and he shouldn’t have to be. He should go out a winner. I say that’s better than fading into oblivion and irrelevance once Conan comes back.  Of course he could just retire and enjoy his millions of dollars and his life. But he really can’t and really won’t do that. After the big stink he and NBC made about giving him his show back he can’t retire for a long time now. He is trapped in a no win situation. This is going to get ugly either way. Go out on your own terms Jay.

—- Frankalank

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