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Joe Bio – EXTENDED

This entry was posted on Jul 16 2010

Gather around kids…I’ve got a tale to tell you. A story of wonderment and intriuge. For you see, the bio for myself you see in the “About” section just doesn’t fully explain the extraordinary feats I’ve accomplished in my life. You see children, one day I was called upon to write this self-portrait for said “About” section of this revolutionary website, but there was a problem. As I walked home, carrying the pages that held my story upon them, I crossed a bridge. I heard a snarling coming from all sides. Suddenly, a horrible half goblin, half troll beast named Frank slithered from beneath the bridge. He was covered head to toe in some foul ooze and odor, oh the odor was something I’ll never forget for as long as I live! The stench was unbearable! Some hybrid stink that smelled nothing less than sulfur and desperation. “Who tries to cross my bridge?! The only thing that will ever love me!”, growled the filthy creature. “Why, tis only me, Joseph of Aragon, sir. Off to spread the good word of all my amazing endeavors!” That’s when this golem vomited on himself and grabbed the papers from my hands. “People beat me when ever they see me eat my own shit! No one will ever see these words!”, cried the monster. That’s when he tore them to shreds and scurried back under his bridge to sodomize himself. I dropped to my knees and accepted my fate. Until…

I had a burst of desire! No, no nauseating brute like that would halt my dreams! So, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my last runestone, held it high to the sky, and shouted to the Heavens, “I believe!” The clouds separated and through the blue yonder emerged Christ, riding a the biggest griffon you could ever imagine! He ripped a grenade from his satchel, hurled toward the bridge, and BOOM! The slimy slug Frank squirmed around on the ground, both his legs broken, and bleeding out quickly…but not quick enough. For Christ punched in his face and tore off every appendage!

Christ turned to me, and with the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard, said, “Go young prophet, go to Kinkos and have them print you out a new version off your flash drive.” And then he was gone.

THE JOE BIO YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…

Ever take a bite of a perfectly prepared meatball Parmesan hero? Well, that’s what Joe is like. That one unforgettable moment in time that you can remember being truly happy. That’s what Joe does to people. I’m not going to say that he’s a metaphorical messiah to all of your sad, meaningless lives….because he’s not a metaphor. He’s right here. This is happening. Things are about to get real…

Like all other great men in American history, Joe was immaculately conceived (ie: Brett Favre and George W. Bush). Oh, you’re looking for highlights? The best moments from his life? Well, I don’t want to bore you, but he once invented a time machine and went back to the past to the day he was sensually banging Scarlott Johansson, Askmen.com’s #23 of the “99 Most Desirable Women on 2010″ list. So, Joe used his astonishing charisma and sex appeal to schmooze his way into bed with them, and commenced having a threesome with Scarlott Johansson and himself. Then Joe went further back in time to slay a pterodactyl with his bare hands and create the League of Nations. Which would have worked if Wilson hadn’t fucked it up…it would, ah, forget it…he’s over it…

Oh yes, Joe’s childhood sure was amazing. That’s right, I said his CHILDHOOD. That’s to emphasize how much more Joe has lived in his few short years than anyone of you have in your entire lives!

Listen, Joe fully expects to be incarcerated in a federal prison someday for being, and I’ll quote Sonia Sotomayor here, “just too fucking sexy”. He’ll of course, never be caught. It’s for reasons like this Joe always has several murder-suicide plans with a plethora of different people, ready to be executed at anytime. Oh, they’re elaborate plans consisting of helicopters, dynamite, and an enormous amount of civilian casualties. What can I say? A man like Joe doesn’t belong in a prison, and a man like Joe surely makes a scene when he kills himself. A scene that takes as many ungrateful bystanders along with him as possible

So, apparently Joe’s doing a radio show…maybe even some blogs and naked pictures. You want to know what you can expect? Besides bleeding heart patriotism, irrationality on all cylinders, showing up late and unprepared, a voice that frequently cracks thanks to ruptured pituitary glands, an abundance of self-deprecating jokes, and a constant insistence that Joe’s somehow better than you…well, hmm…I didn’t think this sentence through…that’s pretty much everything you’re going to get. Joe : He’s chock full of personality and your ears are going to be chock full of his cock!

YOUR LIVES ARE NOW COMPLETE.

- Jobalak

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