Maybe “Love” Just Isn’t Germany’s Thing…?

This entry was posted on Jul 25 2010

It seems like Germany just can’t win, guys. Remember the Holocaust? No? Really? You never heard about that in history class or anything? It was kind of a big deal…but, whatever, I guess.

In Duisburg, Germany today they held, what they call, the “Love Parade”. Nothing could go wrong at a “Love Parade”, right? Oh sir and/or madam, you have no idea just how wrong you are. There was a tunnel, you see. And this tunnel was approximately 600 meters long (Europe, the meter system? Still?). And this tunnel was packed to the gills with techno music fans, fans eventually, just had to get the fuck out of that tunnel. So, everyone took a deep breath, counted to ten, and politely asked one another to exit in an orderly fashion. PSYCHE! They just trampled each other! Fifteen dead, dozens injured. And here’s the kicker; other people just walked OVER the people dying on the ground. Hey, we’ve all been in a situation where we just “need to get outta here, man”. I once was feeling so cramped and claustrophobic in church that I trampled at least four kids and a dog. I know what you’re thinking; what’s that dog doing in church? And to your question I say, who are you to question that dog’s commitment to the Lord?! And it’s not like I enjoyed trampling and curb stopping those kids…well, I mean, yeah I enjoyed it, but I went to confession right after! I did my five Hail Mary’s, it’s cool!

Listen, this is a tragedy. Nobody’s debating that…until I do near the end of this article. I think my favorite part of the whole disaster is that there was a crisis committee that decided what should be done, and you know what they came up with? They let the parade continue. The logic behind it? To not create anymore panic and chaos. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that the “crisis committee’s” answer to people being trampled to death in a packed tunnel was “keep partying”, or that the thought of a parade ending prematurely would surely incite the people of Germany into some sadistic frenzy.

“Dieter, did you hear? They are cancelling the brew ha-ha! Some people have died,”
“No more partying? Not on my watch, Franz! How much rioting will it take to restore the celebration?”
(Franz flips through his worn out copy of “Mein Kampf”)
“There might not be enough time in the day…”

People getting stomped to death is really in these days, too. Walmart really made it cool. Remember Black Friday in 2008? The “greeter” was killed by rapid shoppers. Though in Walmart’s defense, that employee was clearly not mentally prepared for the savings. When those animals start breaking down doors in heated anticipation of the store’s opening, you just need to get out of their way and let them feast upon America’s recessional woes. I was disappointed however when the store manager picked up the dismembered employee’s remains and tossed them on the clearance shelf marked with a reduced tag that claimed the item was “slightly used”.

Reporters said it was the worst accident since nine people were crushed to death when fans pushed others forward during a Pearl Jam concert in Denmark in 2000. Way to set the bar, Eddie Vedder! Was Pearl Jam still even relevant in 2000? Christ, what if Ace of Base had played that show? Denmark would have made Gomorrah look like the Pets Hotel from Pet-Smart on a day where they were specializing in Scottish terriers!

The real tragedy in this whole mess is Germany’s taste music. They’re still into techno over there? Get with the program, Germany! We’re all into post-hardcore experimental metalcore now! And this isn’t even the first techno-relating tragedy. Moby has been killing since 1992. Beside, only fifteen people died? That’s BARELY a tragedy considering what we know Germany is capable of. To be honest, this shouldn’t have even made the news. A few people got squashed. We should really be paying more attention to the NHL’s rejection of the Devils’ Kovalchuk deal. Fuck you, Bill Daly!

- Jobalak

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