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Santa Clara, California Hates Children

This entry was posted on Jul 14 2010

Remember the good ‘ol days? You know, the days when we were kids, causing all kinds of mayhem in the backyard? Throwing rocks at squirrels. Cornering those squirrels and caving in their skulls with those rocks. Bringing the decapitated squirrel to your parents as a gift. Oh, it was the golden age to be a child in America. Nickelodeon was at it’s peak with hit shows like “Pete and Pete” and “Salute Your Shorts”. You’d raise the volume on the television so you didn’t have to hear Mom and Dad as they fought over who gets custody. “No, you take him! That kid must be incontinent! It’s everywhere! It’s everywhere!” The intense volume of the Camp Anawanna theme song doing irreversible damage to your eardrums, but necessary to drown out the drug induced, rough make-up sex your parents were having in the next room with the door open. Oh, Xanax…you can make any marriage tolerable.

Well, those glorious days of our childhood are dead! And you might as well be, too! For what I’m about to tell you is not only an injustice to the lives children in America have grown accustom to, but also a blatant contradiction to our basic amendments!

In Santa Clara, California: It is now illegal for McDonald’s to include toys with their Happy Meals.

That’s right, Santa Clara County is actually demanding McDonald’s meet updated nutritional standards for their Happy Meals or they will no longer be allowed to include the toys we all collected fanatically as children. I knew the world was in bad shape, but I never thought it would come to this…

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Without the toys in the Happy Meals, how could they even continue to use the word “happy”? They’d have to call them “Indignant Meals”. And I’m pretty sure sales would suffer. Supervisor Ken “Lucifer” Yeager, sponsor behind the measure to ban toys in Happy Meals had this to say; “This ordinance prevents restaurants from preying on children’s love of toys. The ordinance breaks the link between unhealthy food and prizes.”

Go fuck yourself, brah. It is the right of any fast food powerhouse to prey on the weaknesses of their customers. Have emotional issues? Mom didn’t hug you enough? Your girlfriend broke your heart? Your weird uncle watched you shower once and you’re still haunted by images of his lips smacking together as the shampoo cascaded down your ample, innocent body? Want the pain to stop? It’s Big Mac time! Fast food has actually been scientifically proven to make you feel better no matter what your current state may be! Why would we want to hinder Big Fast Food’s therapy efforts?

Plus, children are weak. You know how many children I could run down with my car? Like, ten plus. By preying on their love of toys, it’s giving them the opportunity to have some willpower. The kids who are destined to become successful will stay clear of the amazing prizes hidden at the bottom of that grease soaked bag, but the ones can’t resist will die at an early age of heart disease. If that’s not a win-win, then I don’t know what is. Survival of the fittest. We don’t need these weak minded brats growing up and taking advantage of the welfare system. We need them to eat Happy Meals, and later on, Double QPC’s, until grim, painful death. They’re only purpose on this planet is to make McDonald’s profitable and then die. Besides making the world a brighter place, McDonald’s helps weed out the weak.

This is a big deal. If California starts taking measures to ruin children’s lives in this sick attempt to lower the childhood obesity rate, others might follow. To give you an idea of the gravity of this situation, here’s a list of events in history that infringed on basic human rights. Events that are NOT as important as the issue at hand.

UNIMPORTANT EVENTS COMPARED TO HAPPY MEAL CONTROVERSY

1) Segregation ; Was Rosa Parks THAT lazy? There were other seats, yo!
2) The Holocaust
3) Stone Wall; Which apparently was a bar where some cops beat up some gays.
4) Japanese Internment Camps
5) The Crusades
6) The forced censorship of Muhammad on South Park; How am I supposed to thoroughly make fun of Islam if I don’t know what the guy looks like? I imagine a turban? Maybe a beard? Am I close?

This ordinance will ban restaurants from giving away toys if the meal has more than 485 calories, more than 600 milligrams of sodium, more than 35 percent of total calories from fat, or more than 10 percent of calories from added sugar. What would even be the point of getting the damn meal if this is the case! I don’t eat ANYTHING that meets these requirements! Food doesn’t even have TASTE if this is the way it has to end up!

Get this. They took a poll and 87 percent of county residents opposed the bill. Just give them the fucking toys! Dude, you do know they’re giving away “How To Train Your Dragon” toys these days, right? Kids NEED to collect all those toys, man! If you’re a kid in the playground and you don’t have a minimum of five of the eight possible toys with the intent to collect the remaining three, you get your fucking throat slit. Kids don’t mess around these days. Back when we were kids you’d get a good old fashioned beat down. You’d get curb stomped and maybe have something shoved up your ass. You know, the classics. But today, kids are sick. I don’t even want to think about the American Psycho-esq kind of shit they would do to your son or daughter out there.

A bill like this one, it’s just not American. People shouldn’t have to live this way. People shouldn’t have to go to other counties trying to get their collectibles. You know what is American, though? Napalming Santa Clara, California.

This article isn’t supposed to be satirical. Fuck this noise. NOW, it’s time to revolt.

- Jobalak

*Image created by Ryan Morrison

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