BREAKING NEWS: James Cameron Passes Away

This entry was posted on Aug 29 2010

Dear God, would that be my dream come true. Alright, he’s not dead, but we all wish he was. James Cameron can go fuck himself! Really, motherfucker? Did Avatar not make enough money? Why the hell does this fucking movie have to be in theaters again? What on this godforsaken planet did I do to deserve this? I mean, I had to endure what seemed like months of critics raving about this stupid movie. People coming up to me and jacking off while telling me about these spastic blue humanoid mutations. It was literally everyday! And you know what? I accepted it. I accepted the fact that people didn’t care that it was Pocahontas in the future with some horrible, probably terminal, blue skin disease. I accepted the fact that not only did this movie make up it’s budget, but James Cameron got a check for 2.7 billion dollars, rolled it around his cock, and metaphorically (I still have the nightmares) slap me in the face with it. I accepted that despite 3D being around since the fucking 1950’s (remember the red and blue paper glasses that gave you headaches and made you radioactive?), everyone was throwing up from the “amazing” depth perception and acting like Cameron gave birth to the idea in his lab. I accepted all of this, putting my pride aside, but hear me now Cameron, you still have not a cent from me and never will…and I will NEVER watch this awful, fucking film. They could go all Clockwork Orange on me and hold my eyelids open, but believe you me I would summon all the strength in my being to stop my heart with my mind and kill myself before even watching the opening credits where I’m sure some hideous blue cretin dances across your unholy fucking name.

Why is it's stupid hair on fire? Why does it have gauges in it's ears? I hope this one died horribly.

All of this you put me through and now you have the nerve to re-release this movie and justify it with “never before seen footage”. Isn’t that what the fucking DVD and Blu-Ray are for?! No excuses, Cameron! I wish I lived close enough to you that I could break into your house and kill you in your sleep. I would spend the rest of my life in prison just to make sure you never get the opportunity to write another Avatar. I would sharpen the ends of one of those DVD’s and race it across your flesh so many times that when CSI showed up they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between you and a Meat Lover’s pizza from The Hut! I was actually starting to like Sam Worthington, you asshole! He seemed like a cool dude! And I bet you made him FUCK ONE OF THOSE AVATARS! Didn’t you?! You made him fuck one of those blue gargoyles! How many times, James?! How many times did you watch him crying while penetrating one those things?! How many vaginas do they have?! Huh?! Did those things even speak English?! That wasn’t even Earth was it?! I hate you! I HATE YOU!

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM! Kill him, Sam! Rip out his heart and devour it!

3 Responses to “BREAKING NEWS: James Cameron Passes Away”

  1. I hope they re-re-release it. Just to watch you squirm and get upset. And if they do, I’m going to go see it. Because Cameron is amazing. And you’re not.

  2. I’d kill you before you’d even get the chance to roll your car into the parking lot of a movie theater!

  3. THANK YOU. This post is everything I’ve been unable to articulate into words. I can only describe it as a feeling of black hole of rage in my chest, mixed with the shame of being part of the same human race as the idiots who payed to see it 12 times “BECAUSE OMG 3D AND IT WILL NEVUR B BAK IN THEATURS HURRR”

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