Disturbing New Trend In America…

This entry was posted on Aug 11 2010

You’ve all undoubtedly seen it in the news. It’s really hard to watch. An epidemic? Perhaps. There’s only one thing I know for sure…that it makes me sick. What am I talking about? It’s simple; people losing weight because… “I was sick of being fat”.

I'm supposed to laugh at this?

That’s a quote from a formerly beloved Drew Carey. Remember back in the 90’s when EVERYTHING rocked? When Drew Carey ruled Ohio with an iron fist! We loved him because he was our dumpy, husky, paunchy, stout, rotund, meaty, plump, portly, whale like everyman! And yes, I did go to and look up the best “fat” synonyms I could find! And yes, “whale like” was one of the choices! Drew Carey was our jovial semi-blind Santa Claus that came once a week on ABC (when in season; like a good peach) bearing a satchel of fine family friendly comedy which we could all enjoy without the need for nudity nor obscenities. Though, I think we can all agree that we were damn curious to see that voluptuous body and thicket of pubic thatch Mimi was hiding under that clown’s afterbirth costume she wore for nine seasons.

When Drew Carey took over as the host of “The Price Is Right” everyone was happy that he had something to distract him from his inevitable heart disease. That, and the fact Bob Barker retired, rather than died trying to spin that big wheel. The best part though, was Drew showed up fatter than ever. And then Drew betrayed us! He stabbed us in the back just like our lovable alcoholic uncle who got clean! He lost seventy fucking pounds because he was sick of being fat on television?! That was your whole career! That was your M.O.! Diabetes and a quadruple bypass are registered trademarks of “The Drew Carey Show”! He looks like a freak now! Some melancholy skeleton who feels good about himself and wants to live long enough to see his stepson grow up! Can Guinness please put Drew Carey in the record books for being the most selfish man on the planet?

And this “feeling great” mentality has started to spread like a cancer. Some of our most beloved comedians have succumb to the temptation of health. Josh Peck, co-star of “Drake and Josh”, America’s number one comedy for four years, decided it was time to lose weight. And though he still received the occasional chuckle, most of the humor was lost with his weight. All those wacky lines he had…

Now he just looks like some emo douche...your career is dead.

…he was able to deliver those lines because he spoke them with the girth and circumference the writers demanded! Without the ripples in his double chin and the grease that coated his entire body, why would I laugh? What would be the point? Was he trying to take himself seriously as an actor? Was “The Wackness” supposed to catapult him into stardom? That only thing that’s wack is Josh Peck’s humility and self esteem.

This one really hurt. When Seth Rogen got himself in shape it was like someone kicked my heart in the crotch. And for what? “The Green Hornet”? A movie where he fights crime instead of inciting it? The trailor alone gave me Crohn’s disease.

I loved Seth Rogen before it was cool.

Where did all this will power come from? We’re in a recession! Bush and Obama made sure the economy was ravaged and would stay ravaged so that Big Fast Food could conquer the weak! Everyone should be mad depressed and binge eating like there’s no tomorrow! I know I’ve been doing my part…what gives, Hollywood? And it’s not like American fast food hasn’t been doing everything right! Have you seen what we’ve done? We have literally played God. We’ve infused maple syrup directly into the pancakes (McGriddle, $2.89)! We took all the bacon we had laying around and put it on a burger; then we put “bacon” in it’s name and marketed it as something you should fear and have to appease (Baconator, $4.09)! People, we created a sandwich where the BREAD is CHICKEN (Double Down, $4.99)!

All other math should be illegal in the United States.

Obesity should not be avoided, it should be embraced! To feel otherwise is simply un-American. And we can’t have our favorite funny men turning their backs to what made their careers. And just like any huge crisis, we need the government to step in. They need to incarcerate Carey, Rogen, Peck and any and every other offender for an indefinite period of time until they put the weight back on! Or maybe we could extract the DNA from these products (I’m sure they have a similar strain) and inject them into the blood streams of these criminals. Then, and only then, will I feel safe to turn on my television.

Inject this straight into your heart.

- Jobalak

One Response to “Disturbing New Trend In America…”

  1. Keep posting stuff like this i really like it, Good job My friend ;)

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