I’ve Become Everything I Hate!

This entry was posted on Aug 24 2010

For most of my life I’ve lived by a strict moral code. As long as I lobbied heavily against things I didn’t understand or haven’t gathered enough information about to form a rational opinion, my place in Heaven was secure. I never set foot in a Starbucks and make damn sure to yell as loud as I can to drown out someone offering a perspective that differs from my own. I’ve always been able to get my point across to people who have neither asked me for it nor deserved the enlightening knowledge. I have an enthusiastic zest for hypocrisy and do not see anything wrong with the way I live my life. Lately, however, something inside me was changing and like any other person who can’t afford psychological therapy, I’ve come to the internet to air out my problems. Joe’s self-reflection…and here I thought I was perfect…

My “friend” Frank will have you believe I’m racist for not enjoying rap and hip hop, but in reality it was just never my cup of Colt 45. Sure, there are some Eminem songs on my iPod along with “Informer” by Snow, but never had I invested any time or effort to look into this genre. Until the other day when…well, I just don’t know what came over me. I started downloading two Jay Z albums, The Blueprint and The Black Album, because…well, I’m not sure why. I figured I had some sort of fever and wasn’t thinking straight. I knew if I didn’t calm myself down I would have an anxiety attack and if the paramedics arrived and saw what I was downloading they’d surely leave me for dead. “Relax, it’s alright. You can just delete the files and empty the recycling bin”, I assured myself. My hands had other plans…and after I finished masturbating, I actually started listening to the “music”!

One thing I still don’t understand is the beginning of all the songs. It seems like he’s just saying random words and sentences. Maybe no one knew the microphones were still recording? Why didn’t anyone edit these parts out? And if they are “supposed” to be there I always wondered whether or not rappers did this part live? Do they avoid these songs when doing live shows? Is Jay Z on stage alone reciting these broken English soliloquies? Does he stand there having a conversation with no one for two minutes before starting each song? I listened so much that it even became part of my everyday life! I was in the kitchen getting ready to eat with my family. “Yeah! Yeah! Let it run. Mom, glad to see you made the dinner. You could have been anywhere else in the world, but you’re here with us. Jump! Jump! You know what I’m talking about, my nigga”. My family had no idea how to react and that’s why I forgive them for pinning me to the ground and water boarding me with holy water. The exorcism was a little much and they seemed to have been suspiciously well prepared for it, but I feel like it brought us closer as a family. Plus, I didn’t have to shower that night.

Hmm, maybe this guy is on to something...

The music actually could have been worse, and anyone who’s ever spent more than five minutes in my presence knows that’s the highest compliment you can earn from me. Days went by and the assimilation had begun. I used to think that music was wack, and that I’d have to be on crack, to listen to that, I’d get flack from my friends, who’ve always known my trends, and they’d give me a smack while I’m trying to eat my Big Mac. Wait, what the fuck was that?! Did I just rap that last line?! What is happening to me?

I’m sure most of you are familiar with a show that goes by the name of Degrassi. I’ve always vowed never to watch this show. No high school in the world is this bad! I’m convinced that the writing staff of this show have two large buckets. In one bucket are pieces of paper with the names of all the characters. In the other, are controversies. You simply pick out two names from one bucket and a controversy from the other. They grab Mark, Gina, and rape. Write episode. They grab Phil, Chris, and abusive stepfather. Go! Mike, Carol, and abortion. Get to work!

“Alright, how should we abort this one? Clothes hanger?” asks the eager to impress, staff writer.

The head writer, having already killed five unborn children this season, stands from his desk and smashes his fist down. “Edgier! Come on!”

The perspiration on the writer’s brow drips down the side of his face. “Her…her bare hands…?”

The head writer’s eyes light up at the thought of Carol driving her hand up into her cervix to destroy the growing fetus. “Now that’s what I call aborting!”

They high five and the entire staff, all of whom are recovering alcoholics, go out to the local bar where they drink heavily into relapse, stumble home and maliciously beat their kids and/or significant other.

Somebody please Columbine this school?

I’ve never seen any show where EVERY single character had such immense baggage. Here’s the online description of ONE character.

Darcy Edwards: Darcy was a straight-laced Christian and was a member of the school Christian group and Friendship Club, and was the leader of the Spirit Squad. She starts dating Spinner in season five and tries to convert him into a born again virgin. She posts risqué photos of herself online in season six that attracts a 40-year-old man who tries to get in physical contact with her. Spinner breaks up with her because of her hypocritical behavior that she was exhibiting. She develops a relationship with Peter afterwards. She is raped at a snowboarding party and develops chlamydia as a result in season seven. She tries to commit suicide after the discovery, and is put in counseling to deal with her issues. She eventually has sex with Peter. She accuses Archie Simpson of inappropriate behavior, which results in an investigation and his temporary suspension from Degrassi. Darcy eventually rebuilds her spirit and is forgiven by most of her friends. She moves to Kenya in season eight for a semester to study, leaving Peter behind. She often writes him and sends him gifts.

Are you kidding me? Suicide? Kenya? Snowboarding party? And that’s basically every kid in this school, too! Never a rape-free year at Degrassi, yet they somehow keep getting funding. My real problem with this show is that it’s brilliant. Who wouldn’t watch this? The producers of this show found their niche and are capitalizing on it. Who doesn’t love to see horrible things happen to teenagers? To quote a recent article, Degrassi is just like the new Krispy Kreme cheeseburger, it “sounds atrocious to just about everyone who hasn’t tried one.” Once you watch it, you’re hooked. You just need to know what happens next. My girlfriend happens to love the show and with the new season, Degrassi: The Boiling Point, having just started…I never had a chance. Now, I find myself hoping, no praying that the pedophile Connor, the kid with asperger’s syndrome, met online comes back to finish molesting him. I can’t wait to see if Gracie/Adam, the transgender kid, tries to scissor with Bianca, the girl who sells Jenna diet pills! I need to know if Riley, the in the closet star of the football team, will finally come to terms with his homosexuality and bang Zane!

The gravity of both these situations is critical. And of course there have been other disturbing changes. I always hated the show “LOST”. In fact, a few months ago I wrote an article describing in graphic detail my disdain for the program (having never seen an episode). Yet, here I am now, harassing my friend who got me hooked on the show to lend me his iPod Touch again so I can watch more episodes on the train! I almost blame myself for trying new things. That’s never been my style. I hate change and I hate people who condone it!

I finally realized that I must have a medical disorder. So I typed in my symptoms to WebMD, including confusion, delusions, disorientation, emotional detachment, feeling of being detached from reality, impaired judgement, inappropriate behavior, lightheadedness, personality changes, sense of impending doom, and unusual behavior. And I wasn’t surprised at all when it turned out that I’m an epileptic, schizophrenic, bipolar, drug addict, diabetic, depressive with encephalitis and heat stroke! It was all right in front of me this whole time! The good news is that I’m simply a victim of circumstance. I’ll pop some Advil, maybe go for a jog, and surely make a full recovery.

My cock has got elephantiasis and the bitches LOVE it!

Ya know, this is great for the world, too! If I were to die (I’ll never die) the world would surely fall into mass hysteria. Suicide cults would be everywhere and new religions worshipping me would become the norm. The different sects of Joeism would fight constantly over which one of many accomplishments were the best! Wow…I mean, I always knew I was important, but…nah, that’s it. I just always knew I was important.

I got 99 problems, but blasphemy ain't one!

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