Michael Cera’s next starring role needs to be in a snuff film.

This entry was posted on Aug 19 2010

I think at this point it is pretty safe to say that America is tired of Michael Cera. I know I am. Listen the guy was great in Arrested Development. His ultra awkward acting style was perfect for the roles he played in both Superbad and Juno. Beyond that he’s worn out his welcome. I can’t watch anything he is in anymore. It’s not necessarily his fault. He is good at portraying a certain type of character and he keeps getting offered movie roles. What is he supposed to do? Turn down the offers? No, thats crazy, he won’t do that. But he can’t keep making movies anymore. He’s killing me. He’s killing America!

I get it dude. You're awkward. Now get the fuck off my TV screen.

Year One was funny despite him and despite Jack Black (who also became stale years ago). They were both super annoying in that film. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist never had a chance because of Kat Dennings’ unusually large head which is about the size of a ripe watermelon. I kept waiting for Peter Gallagher to come out and smash her head open with a mallet. That would have been the only way to save that movie. And that was it. I was already done with him. I had seen everything his character could offer me and more. And yet he keeps getting starring roles because these movie studios think they can just offer us a slight variation on his character and that will be enough… please. They gave his alter ego a terrible mustache in Youth in Revolt and he is an awkward hipster in Scott Pilgrim. Please… no more.  I haven’t seen those last two movies and I won’t. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to see him in commercials. Just get the fuck off my TV screen. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. The only way I’ll ever see another film that he is starring in is if it is a snuff film. I’m sure he could pull that role off well. He awkwardly wakes up in a dark basement. He awkwardly tries and fails at unchaining himself from a radiator. He awkwardly gets his head cut off and then fucked by some fat dude in a leather mask. Hahaha! Classic Cera!

Kat Dennings head is freakishly large.

Listen this is serious. If he keeps making movies we are potentially talking about the end of the world. A Gilligan’s Island movie is close to happening with Michael Cera starring ( I can only assume he would be Gilligan). This is pretty much a doomsday scenario for the world. Imagine every nuclear weapon on the planet being detonated at once… thats what it’s going to be like if this movie is made and released. Just like a giant asteroid killed the dinosaurs this would end humanity as we know it. It would be what scientists call an Extinction Level Event. This would be our asteroid. Is it a coincidence that the new Gilligan’s Island movie may come out in 2012… or did the Mayan’s know something we didn’t? My research shows the the release of this movie would shift all of the Earth’s tectonic plates 1.3 inches causing the largest earthquakes ever known to man. The Earth’s core would become as hot as the sun and the oceans would boil and evaporate, killing all the dolphins! In fact every cute animal you love would be burned alive! And women love cute dolphins so when all those critters burn to death any surviving women will be too sad to bang and the survivors won’t be able to reproduce. Bam! End of humanity.

Our only hope is that Michael Cera dies. There I said it. I said what we were all thinking. I know that under normal circumstances it is unthinkable to wish death upon someone, but these are not normal circumstances. Hey we can pray and hope for an overdose all we like… but it’s unlikely seeing as how he seems to have his shit together. And now with O.J. Simpson in prison for what will probably be the rest of his life our best chance at a double murder is locked away. So what option do we have? This clearly isn’t going to be as easy as sending an oil drilling crew led by Bruce Willis to an asteroid to detonate a nuclear bomb inside it’s core.

I have a potential solution for this issue and of course it involves Michael Cera dying (the more grizzly the better). Why? For two reasons. Number 1: Those are the only type of solutions I have. And number 2: He is living a great life and making tons of money so he has no reason to stop starring in movies and since his movies do well at the box office the studios have no reason to stop offering him roles. So it’s either him… or us!

I think America has to turn to it’s greatest living hero. Lindsay Lohan. Lets get her out of rehab, give her as much booze as she needs, and give her the keys to a brand new trail rated Jeep (in case she needs to chase Cera into the woods or something) and let her hunt him down. NASA (the same guys that sent Bruce Willis into space) believes that if we give Lindsay enough quality tequila and cocaine and some of Michael Cera’s clothing she will be able to hunt him down by scent and kill him in a hit and run. She is humanity’s only chance for survival. Lets pray she hasn’t rehabilitated her sexy self yet!

She is so hot when she drives drunk!

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