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Mountains Aren’t Handicap Accessible

This entry was posted on Aug 13 2010

Recently, three war veterans got together to attempt something incredible. They attempted to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro, Africa’s highest mountain. All three of them are amputees and between them, only have one good leg. Summoning all the courage inside of them and harnessing the awesome power of the manufactured appendages, they ascended the mountain, trying to get just high enough to spit in God s face for taking their legs. Only one problem; they did it. Which leaves everyone wondering…didn’t it used to be a lot harder to climb a mountain? Seriously, it seems like people are doing it all the time now! Has it become that easy? I mean, Kilimanjaro? It has “kill a man” right in the name! This used to be a big deal. What the hell happened?

Alright, let s take a step back and think about this rationally from an objective perspective. I mean, they aren’t really people anymore, right? They’re more like what Sam Worthington was in Terminator: Salvation. Ya know, a cyborg, because of the robot legs. Let’s face, those robotic legs probably gave these guys an unfair advantage that all us humans just don’t have. Sam Worthington kicked a lot of ass in that movie, so these guys at the very least had to have been able to put their legs on cruise control and sleep most of the ride up, right? It must have been a cake walk! A cake walk with some of the most beautiful and elaborate cakes you’ve ever seen! Everything is easier when you’re a cyborg (except experiencing human emotions such as love and spirit)! This should not be looked upon as an inspirational story for others with disabilities to follow and live by example. This is a warning. What’s basically being said here is, “Hey flesh bags! We can climb over anything you put in front of us! There’s no place to hide! We’re going to fuck your women and eat your children! Hey, remember that robotic spider thing that crawled into Keanu Reeves’ stomach in The Matrix? Yeah, yeah! We’re gonna put those things up your asses! And it’s gonna hurt!” Is that what we want? I don’t think so. I couldn’t find one appealing idea in that whole drawn out statement. Machines are going to rise, people. It’s inevitable. They can takes our lives, but they’ll never take our records!

Back in the day when something was too hard or almost impossible to do, what did we compare it to? Climbing Mount Everest. Well, we can no longer use that analogy anymore, and it’s a damn shame because that was a good one! Did you know that the youngest person to climb Mount Everest was some punk ass kid named Jordan Romero at the supple age of thirteen? Hell, there’s a record now for the fastest blind ascent! Who can’t climb a mountain these days? No joke, my homosexual friend went on vacation a month ago and guess what he did in Colorado? Climbed a fucking mountain. Yep, just shimmied and sauntered his way right up that mountain. Granted, it wasn’t one of the biggest mountains in the world or anything, but if normal people can just stroll up these things whenever they damn well please, we have a problem. I’m still seething about this goofy kid being able to climb Everest and that was sentences ago! Something’s gotta give!

I can't think of any other way he did it...

Alright, so we need a plan. We need to come up with some idea to keep these Sam Worthingtons off our mountains! A strategy so we don’t have to chase kids off our mountains with a broom like we do our lawns. Well, couldn’t we make climbing mountains a little more difficult? The cold is no longer a threat because of global warming. And everyone’s on amphetamines and human growth hormone these days, so endurance isn’t a problem. The first thing that came to my mind was land mines. If you’re arrogant enough to think you can climb a mountain, then you deserve to trigger hidden explosives and have parts of your body torn off. And the Sam Worthingtons will lose whatever remaining parts they have left. People need to suffer! Then a better idea came to me. These days it’s all about biological warfare. We combine strains of small pox and the plague and introduce it into the environments of all our great mountains. Now, this “drastic” method will surely take it’s toll on the wildlife of these areas. In fact, I’m almost 100% sure this will likely eradicate several species…but fuck it. No one knows what the Green Party does and no one cares. We can’t turn anything around, so we might as well go for broke and destroy as much of this planet as possible and have our kids clean it up while we enjoy sweet, trouble free death. Now mountain climbers will have some real elements to deal with!

At the very least, it'll keep away the Italians.

I know what you’re all thinking. “Joe, amputees should have to live with the cards they’re dealt, but they’re too stubborn. How can we stop them?” Excellent question, unanimous masses. We need to nip this ambition in the bud. How do you stop a robot? With another robot, of course. Enter: Robert Patrick. You know, the guy who played the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgement Day? We simply send Robert Patrick a telegram asking his to reprise the role that put him on the map and have him guard all the mountains that we want to keep the handicapped off of. Kilimanjaro, Everest…the one Chis O’Donnell climbed in Vertical Limit. I still can’t believe this is happening. It still feels like some lucid nightmare from an Ambien overdose. I had a dream last night. In this dream the three amputees are moments away from reaching the summit. Their hands all grab on to the same rock as they prepare themselves for one final burst of strength that will bring them to the top. Then Harrison Ford, who stands atop the mountain like a God, as if everything in his life prior to this moment has led him here, steps on the amputees’ hands. They look up, captivated and in awe, reminiscing of scenes from Six Days Seven Nights (especially the scene where David Schwimmer bangs Harrison Ford’s girlfriend, what an asshole, right?). With their free hands, the hybrids reach up toward Harrison, reaching for salvation. That’s when Ford kicks them all in the face and screams “GET OFF MY MOUNTAIN!” They tumble down the entire mountain, their remaining flesh being ripped to shreds, and crash to the ground. They remain alive for the time being, bleeding out, until the bears that have adapted to the small pox/plague virus arrive. The bears, bitter that man has released this contagion into their ecosystem, eat the men alive, starting from the crotch. I wish I had never woken up.

"Fuck it, I've got nothing better to do"

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