Ozzy Osbourne Is Still Alive? Really? Why?

This entry was posted on Aug 21 2010

It appears that some of the most intriguing moments in my life occur while I’m on a journey. There’s something about transportation that allows the elements in the world to come together to create majesty or wreak havoc. And I think that says a lot about my life…unfortunately. Actually, looking back at that last sentence…well, maybe I’ve made some questionable choices in my life. I mean, seriously, both of my last tales occurred on a train and now this one happened to me in the car. On my radio came a familiar voice. It was Ozzy Osbourne, surely singing one of his many classics. Classics like that train with the mental disorder and…I don’t know, I’m sure there were others. To my surprise and disgust this was a NEW song. Is this possible? I pulled the car over because after this revelation I was in no condition to drive. My mind was racing. Is Ozzy Osbourne still relevant? How could there be a new album? Needless to say, I blacked out for several hours.

Alright, so I didn't exactly pull over...

Eventually, I awoke to the murmurs of two gentlemen outside my window who were discussing whether or not I was dead and if they should call the police. They seemed noticeably disappointed when I stirred in my seat. I rushed home to do some diligent research about our friend, Ozzy. I swear to God, without wikipedia and a bottle of gin, I’d never get any of these things written. To my horror, Ozzy had been consistently releasing new material over the last few years. Something I could never wrap my head around was that on his reality show he mumbled like he had just gone down on his first boyfriend in the back of a Firebird and was looking for the door handle to spit, but somehow kept his eerie scream for the music. And the guy could barely walk around the house on his own accord. How could he be playing shows? Most of season four featured him riding around in a Rascal scooter in a drug induced coma.

Which brought up another good question; how in the hell is he still alive? Even looking beyond the years and years of drug and alcohol abuse, the guy bit the head off a bat! I know he took a rabies shot afterwards, but still, you have to imagine that some of whatever is inside a bat seeped down his throat. How could he have contracted nothing from doing that? My dog once coughed in my face and I was bedridden for weeks! This guy ingests the contents of a live bat, snorts a line of coke off a hooker’s labia, and jumps right back out to finish his show?! Maybe he’s done so may drugs that he’s become immune to death? Even I’d have to admit that’s pretty metal.

After seeing his trending on Yahoo.

And the song was awful as fuck, of course. That was the only thing that offered me any sort of solace. If he was putting out even decent music at this point even I’d crank “Suicide Solution” up to max volume before slitting my wrists in an elementary school playground. I figure some of the more adventurous kids would get a kick out of it before I was dragged off the premises. I’m always thinking of others… Luckily for me, the song was atrocious. Like listening to dying cats giving birth through a megaphone…or listening to ANYTHING Frank has to say for more than two minutes. Which got me thinking, this guy needs a comeback. Not Frank, there’s no saving that guy, but Ozzy, he’s still got a bit of relevance left in his name and now’s the time for something big. No one knows these albums are still being produced, but what they do know is that this guy bit the head off a fucking bat. So…what do we do when we fall off the horse? We bite the head off of something else. Something a little more risqué.

Option 1: Bite the head off something adorable.

Metal fans love that he bit the head off a bat because it’s so gross. All those people are filthy inside and out and that was the biggest turn on for them. For the rest of the world however, Ozzy has fallen into obscurity. By biting the head off something cute and cuddly, well, that’s really going to piss everyone off just enough to buy his new album! So, maybe a chinchilla? Or a dolphin? People love dolphins. They get so riled up if those things are killed in the tuna nets. I never really understood it. The more dolphin in my tuna the better, I always say (on a side note, I’d LOVE to eat a dolphin)! People might also be really impressed because taking the head off a dolphin won’t be an easy endeavor. Wait! Better yet! President Obama’s dog, Bo! We have some Ozzy loyalists go Charles Manson ape shit and kidnap that dog. It’s adorable! And then we take this to the biggest stage…the season finale of the next American Idol. Everyone in the country will watch Ozzy bite the head off Obama’s dog and spit some of the gore into Ryan Seacrest’s mouth. In fact, kill two birds with one stone, because without Simon Cowell anymore, that show is dead.

Now that's a dog I'd marinate in peppers and oil!

Option 2: Bite the head off a death row inmate.

I think we can all agree that capitol punishment isn’t cruel and unusual enough these days. People are losing faith in the American justice system and it’s time to take action. So, we grab one of these death row inmates, someone sexy, like a serial rapist or something. We get Ozzy all riled up on crack, maybe slap him in the face a few times to irritate him, and set him loose upon this unsuspecting victim. And it’ll be funny, too! Don’t forget about the laughs! We can make it a pay per view event. We tell the guy he’s being released. We even tell his family. Waiting in a large room are several plain clothes executioners. The guy’s family is waiting behind a thick wall of glass in anticipation of this joyous reunion. The guy walks in and has the door locked behind him. Waiting with the executioners are Ozzy, who’s barely being restrained by two guards he’s done so much crack, and our co-hosts Bob Saget (America’s Funniest Home Videos) and Ashton Kutcher (Punk’d). And let’s face it, those two could use a career makeover themselves. Dude, Where’s My Car 2 isn’t going to make itself, Ashton. One executioner shoots the victim with a sedative dart so Ozzy doesn’t have to fight him too much and the feeding commences. The family watches in horror as Ozzy chomps away at this guy’s flesh and Bob Saget does his silly voiceover thing. Ashton just keeps yelling repeatedly “you’ve been punk’d” over and over again to himself in the corner of the room and the melee brings both the man’s children to tears. The wife and children are later fed to Ozzy as well to tie up the loose ends.

The glory days of cinema are over.

And hey, those are just the first two things that pop in my head. It’s not like I’ve put much thought into this… I suppose Ozzy could also just invest some time into writing quality lyrics and melodies, but the guy’s like sixty and set in his ways. We simply can’t ask more of him. Besides, he needs all the extra time and energy he can get. That Sharon seems like she’d be a firecracker in bed. A hot little tamale, if you know what I mean? Ozzy must have been eating a Volcano Taco over her cootch one night and dripped a little in there, because she is spicy, ya feel me? The kind of woman that’ll give you third degree burns on your dick, she’s so hot. A real bitch, ya know? The kind of chick that’ll sneak her finger in your ass even though you both had a long conversation about that the other night, but she doesn’t care, because she plays by her own rules! The kind of whore that will pull out your pubic hair with her teeth after a blowjob. Fiery, like the buffalo wings from Chili’s. She ain’t just ribs!

This is actually a really good deal, but only for a limited time..

What was I talking about…?

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