Women are fucking idiots. They are so in love with Gerard Butler. That Neanderthal. Women don’t know what’s good for them. They just see this tough looking manly dude with cool facial hair and they get all heated. He isn’t going to care for their needs! He won’t love them. You can’t have a conversation about early 20th century existentialism with this guy. Want to discuss contemporary post modern literature? Not with him! He’s only good for sex! And that’s all these horn dog women want. It’s terrible. I mean listen. What is the modern day man supposed to aspire to be? We’re supposed to emulate Gerard Butler? Sorry my brain is too large for that. I want to be a man of substance. And don’t say “a real man should just be himself.” Fuck you that’s bullshit. There are maybe three cool guys in the entire world. Wayne Gretzky, Jerry Seinfeld, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The rest of us suck and have to try as hard as we can to impersonate those men. Okay?… Ughhh. Fine. Stop whining. God damn bitches. Gerard Butler isn’t all bad. He’s a cool dude that you’d love to go grab a beer with every once in awhile. Okay. He’s a cool guy to be friends with, but he has no culture and no depth. You see him and you laugh at his hijinks and then you say thank god that isn’t me. That’s about it.
So listen up you dumb bitches. Forget about that Gerard Butler. Stop being horny sluts. The perfect example of what a 21st century man should aspire to be is clearly Patrick Dempsey. I’m not going to lie. He’s my hero and role model. I have a 27” by 40” original Made of Honor movie poster in my living room. I’m officially petitioning men everywhere to add Patrick Dempsey to the select list of cool men. This is 2010 and that needs to be a four person list. If you aren’t familiar with Patrick Dempsey I suggest you check out Made Of Honor or Scream 3. He is the ultimate modern day man in both of those films. He is an intelligent, cultured, witty success. He handles himself with class and is utterly charming. He is all these things while still maintaining the masculine qualities that make him a man. In Made Of Honor, his character loves to play basketball with his friends and in Scream 3 he is a homicide detective. I know some of you are saying “But Frank… he was in Gray’s Anatomy… the interns nicknamed him McDreamy.” Think for a second people. He was banging every hot piece of ass that walked into that hospital. He was the man. I finally saw Scream 3 for the first time a couple of days ago and I said to myself “Hey if I am going to be a homicide detective that’s the kind of homicide detective I’m going to be.” I consider myself a younger Patrick Dempsey (who is really a younger George Clooney). When I was a kid and I went to the Lemon Tree for my haircuts I asked for the “George Clooney” cut for a reason. My parents may have thought it was strange but fuck them. I knew what taste and class was. Now that he is a little bit older (and boy has he aged gracefully!) he has passed the torch on to Patrick. Patrick is now the perfect gentleman and role model!
Think about how much better these action movies would be if Patrick Dempsey replaced Gerard Butler in lead roles. There would be much less killing and much more intelligent discussion and compromise. In 300 they never would have had to fight that stupid war. First things first. Patrick Dempsey would have kept his shirt on because he paid a lot of money for that shirt and he isn’t some blood thirsty Spartan. Secondly, he would have brought the evil Persian out to lunch and they would have discussed their differences. Plus you wouldn’t have the girl you are seeing the movie with pleasuring herself right next to you like you don’t exist. Try discussing a Gerard Butler movie with the woman you saw it with after you leave the theater. While you failed to be intellectually stimulated, make no mistake she was doing plenty of stimulation on her own. She probably wouldn’t be able to tell you what the movie was about.
Maybe women will come to their senses one day. But as long as Gerard Butler is making movies… probably not. But I say forget them. Let them pine for their brawny piece of meat in the theaters. They can come home to us all riled up and ready to be ravaged by a mountain man and we can disappoint them with our manners and shaved pubes. I do understand though that this isn’t at all realistic. Women are just as amorous as men now and damn proud of it. Rest assured while you are at work busting your hump, the bag boy from King Kullen is busting in her hump. The point is that if we don’t give them what they want they will go somewhere else for it. If every eligible bachelor in the world was crafted in the P Demps model, rest assured women would be sleeping with the homeless, scrap metal workers, and hardened criminals.
Now typically this is the section of my article where I propose a solution involving someone being killed in grizzly fashion for the good of society, but not today. This, my friends, is more complicated than that. It’s not as simple as Gerard Butler meeting his demise. See, unlike Patrick Dempsey, Gerard Butler is just a piece of meat. He’s totally replaceable. Women will find some other “hunk” to replace him. It’s not him they are in lust with because there is no him. They are in love with that image and there will always be someone else. I’m afraid there is no real solution to this issue. It’s a no win situation. We as men must lower ourselves to degrading levels of simplicity for women or lose them to lesser men that under normal conditions they would never consider sleeping with. This is just the way of the world. I’ve accepted it. This is why men have to hit women. In every abusive relationship, make no mistake; the real victim is the man who was forced to become less then what he could have been for the sake of his wife’s red hot desire for brawn. Underneath every abusive husband is a man crying out for sophistication.
The world would be a better place for everyone if Patrick Dempsey was the standard for men. Wars would no longer be fought because there would be no need. Every issue could be worked out through intelligent discussion and compromise. There would no longer be world hunger because everyone would eat less and watch their figure so they could stay in shape just like Patrick. There would be no more disease because we would take pride in our pristine health and go to great lengths to preserve it. Every time someone went fishing they would catch something. Jersey Shore would be cancelled and the cast would be turned into low quality dog food. Basically the world would be a perfect place. The end.