Mosque Schmosque! We’re All Going To Hell!

This entry was posted on Sep 07 2010

It seems like everyday people are flocking to me for the most up to date political news. I can’t lie, it gets frustrating. How many pairs of panties can be thrown at a guy before he’s had enough? It seemed like an average Saturday of signing autographs and teaching people how to access Yahoo! to get the most relevant news articles, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. One of my friends, Atyah, walked up to me in tears asking for guidance. Apparently, she had been the victim of a hate crime during her lunch. I thought about blaming myself. There I was, signing autographs and marveling the local street children with limericks and riddles while I should have been on a rooftop somewhere keeping a vigilant eye on the town. (On a side note, I’m looking for a sidekick/lacky; send resumes to Damn, my vanity and love for attention! I’m so vain I probably thought this article’s about me!

Atyah informed me that another driver pulled up next to her and started shouting obscenities at her. Things like, “fuck you, Muslim”. I felt terrible that she had to encounter one of the more clever racists on the road that day. Racists that can harness the power of language are usually the most dangerous. She informed me that it probably had something to do with the mosque they’re building near ground zero. I replied, “totally”, and shooed her away with a rolled up newspaper. I left work early (with pay) and immediately Google’d “mosque”. To my surprise, something arguably important slipped under my radar. My God, the city’s been divided! This mosque is most likely getting built, so there’s only one thing to do to save New York. Make this mosque the coolest fucking mosque in town!

A rolled up newspaper: The only effective way to incapacitate a Muslim. If only we had more aboard United Airlines Flight 175...

If the mosque turns out to be the new hip place to be, racists won’t be able to stay away. Making this place irresistible seems to be the only logical solution. People will be trampled to death trying to get to the Yoohoo water fountain. The bar will be crowded with patrons trying to do a shot with a bin Laden impersonator. Eddie Money will be the mosque’s nightly musical guest. The olympic size swimming pool will be filled with K-Y’s Intense arousal gel (for her) so everyone can have the most potent sex of their lives. There will be a lawyer asking people to sign waivers before entering the pool because you can’t swim very well in intimacy lubricant and you won’t be thinking straight from the awesome banging…so you’ll probably drown. The lawyer though, he’s super cool and black! This mosque will be where it’s at! And once everyone’s high and getting laid, no one will even remember those towers hitting the ground and over three thousand lives being lost. And I guess there will be a little prayer space upstairs or something…ya know, where the Muslims can lay down their rugs or whatever.

Eddie Money will lull all the bigots to sleep with his saxophone.

Listen up all you suddenly patriotic assholes! This really isn’t that big of a deal. Maybe if this was Jerusalem I could fathom understanding why people would be against building a mosque, but otherwise get over yourselves. Just don’t build it near a fireworks store and we should be in the clear. Or just name it the “Jesus of Nazareth” Mosque. Or the “Jerry O’Connell” mosque (who was outstanding in Piranha 3D, by the way). Then everyone would wanna go there! You know, if it was any other race who recently fucked up America, we’d be furious at them, too. Being this upset about a mosque being built near ground zero is the equivalent of building a synagogue near an AIG. Or a KFC near the White House…

I felt obligated to invest more of my limited time figuring out how to solve this problem, but I needed a new perspective. I’m a white male, completely privileged in every way, and thus have never been the victim of prejudice or discrimination. I’m paid more than a woman for doing less work. I’ve got every opportunity in the world to succeed. Also, everyone looks up to my kind. So, I sat Atyah down and asked her a few questions to further my knowledge.

1) Joe: Do you think if we build several Mosques surrounding the new World Trade Center it will deter a future terrorist attack?

Atyah: I don’t consider the terrorists to be fulfilling the mission of Islam in any notable way, so I don’t feel that building mosques all around ground zero will have any effect on their plans. They do what they do for attention and to further their own political ambitions. It has nothing to do with Islam.

If they want my attention, they’ll need to blow up more Arby’s. Then it’s on!

2) Joe: How would you feel if our town built a church across the street from YOUR house?

Atyah: I wouldn’t mind. I like going to church, they’re always really quiet and they’re usually kinda pretty.

You like going to church? Psh, if you’re not going to take this seriously…

3) Joe: For every one Mosque you build around ground zero, we’ll build one hundred baptist and evangelical churches in Afghanistan! What do you got to say to that?

Atyah: Aren’t you protestant? Besides, the churches might have a problem providing the sacrament in a dry country… They’re more than welcome to open, but their services might be… lacking.

Dry country? Lame! Us CATHOLICS know how to party! We like to get WET!

4) Joe: Bloomberg defended the Mosque; if he were Muslim do you think you parents would fix you two up?

Atyah: No… Maybe… Probably not… I hope not…

You could do a lot worse. This is the man who overruled the two term mayor limit! He’s in everyone’s spank bank.

5) Joe: Be honest, how many times a day do you mutter “peckerwood”, “cracker”, or any other anti-white racial slur under your breath?

Atyah: I am staunchly against the use of racial slurs in general. I don’t prescribe to that thought process and refrain from the usage of such language. So the answer to your question, it would be zero.

“Staunchly”? We’ve Americanized you well.

6) Joe: What do your people hate most about Americans? Our strikingly good looks or our stunningly cool personalities?

Atyah: It’s a tough call between your pasty white, burn prone skin and your self important intolerance. But since it’s the “personality” that’s currently out to get “my people” I’ll have to go with the latter.

Maybe all the hatred just comes from your people’s deep seeded jealousy…? America – 1, Atyah – 0

7) Joe: Recently, many Muslims aren’t hungry; what gives?

Atyah: American food is greasy and over rated. We need to detox (Not really, I love my burgers :D ) Ramadaan (the month of fasting) is about more than abstaining from food and water. It’s about spiritual growth, peace and clarity. The idea is to understand what it means to go without, while at the same time gaining further appreciation for God’s blessings.

You haven’t had enough Double Downs. Get with the program before the program gets with you!

8 ) Joe: Philosopher Thomas Hobbes argued that people are inherently evil, but I argue that people are in inherently brain dead. What do you think the cause of the mass idiocy in the world is?

Atyah: The media. The situation faced by Muslims in America today is much worse than the situation they faced directly after 9/11. Since the attack almost 9 years ago, the media has been actively building the association between terrorists and Muslims, and further increasing the dividing lines between people who otherwise might have been able to cultivate an understanding. People believe what the media tells them, and right now the media is telling them that Muslims are the enemy.

Are you calling the people of FOX News liars? Interview OVER! Where’s my autographed (and ejaculate stained) copy of Glenn Beck’s “Arguing With Idiots”?!

9) Joe: What’s more likely; Americans accepting the mosque and setting aside their anti-Muslim hatred or Barack Obama being elected to a second term?

Atyah: I’ll put my money on the latter.

True Jackson, Americans are so fickle. That’s probably why the rest of the world looks up to us!

10) Joe: Are you planning an attack on my house in response to this interview?

Atyah: No. Might off some of your dogs though :)

I’ve already contacted Homeland Security.

In reality, it’s actually pathetic that an issue like this is being discussed the way it is. The real problem I have with a mosque being built near ground zero is not that I feel the terrorists will “win” if it’s built, but rather that this whole debate and controversy is doing nothing more but inciting more racism. We’re now in a no-win situation and I’m not sure who to blame for it. I can’t blame the people who are proposing the mosque because they are well within their rights to construct one if they want. It would be ridiculous to say they should have had the foresight to predict there would be intolerance and never have proposed it in the first place. That would be catering to bigotry. Maybe I’m the stupid one to think people would be able to differentiate between people of faith and extremists? And from what I’ve heard, it’s more of a community center with an area for prayer. I’m glad it’s just been labeled a “mosque”. That’s easier, right? What should we do with the other mosque a few blocks away from ground zero? The one that’s already there. Maybe we could burn it down like the towers? And while we’re at it, I’ve never really forgiven the Japanese for Pearl Harbor. Especially after seeing Michael Bay’s horrid vision on the event. Let’s build some new internment camps along ground zero so everyone can be sure to never let anything remain in the past.

No Girls or Muslims Allowed!

I’m not sure if I want it to eventually built or not. If they actually succeed in blocking it’s construction, then the pig headed racists win. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as they clutch their tear-drenched photos of a loved one lost on September 11th and burn a copy of the Koran. People will think the “right” decision was made and it will reinforce the stereotypes in them. However, if it’s built, there will surely be vandalism and hate crimes. This has been so publicly debated and everyone knows where it is. People won’t be safe to go there and pray. Some fucking world, right?

Alright, enough of this sincere opposition to racism bullshit. Let me tell you a little something about my faith. Despite being raised Catholic, I’m pretty sure I’m not. I’m a Christian, but there is probably a sect of Christianity that would better suit me, but I will NEVER look into which one. Why? Isn’t it obvious? It’s mad cool to be Catholic. We’re the bad boys of religion. The guys everyone loves to hate! We tell it like it is! Not Catholic? THEN GO TO HELL! And now Islam is trying to take this title away from us? Not on my watch! Come on, Islam…terrorism? Enough with the theatrics! You want to see showmanship? How about having some young, supple alter boys eat the Eucharist off the small of a priest’s back? That’s edgy stuff, baby! You can’t compete with that! Catholicism is the Britney Spears of faith! Islam is more like Lindsey Lohan. She makes a scene, stirs the pot, and gets everyone’s attention for a moment, but she’ll never even be half the train wreck Britney is! You hear me, Islam! Like MC Hammer, you can’t touch this! But we can touch YOU! We’re gonna touch all of you! Oh baby, we’re gonna touch you EVERYWHERE! You’ll never be as controversial as us! Psh, you call 9/11 a big deal? Molest some kids and we’ll talk.

I bet Mother Theresa couldn't bang as many guys at one time as Britney can! Sainthood, NOW!

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