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MTV VMA’s Target Audience: AARP Members.

This entry was posted on Sep 13 2010

I haven’t updated much this week because Joe and I bought our new camera. We’re real close on delivering new videos. We’ve got some really weird stuff planned to say the least. I’ve been handling the technical aspects of syncing the camera with our editing system and it’s been a real pain in the rump to say. I think that I’ve got most of the details worked out, but my brain has been turned to mush in the process. Okay, now on to business.

Target Audience: AARP!

I’m just going to say it. Whoever was in charge of the 2010 MTV Video Music awards needs to never work again. This person isn’t even qualified to shovel horse shit. I don’t know this person’s name but it doesn’t matter. To screw up the easiest awards show is unforgivable. The Video Music awards is a really simple awards show. It’s all about hot music videos. It’s supposed to be hip. It’s supposed to be fresh. This year’s show was none of these things. It’s simple you want a young audience. Teens and Young adults are your targets. Anyone else is just gravy. But this years show was a total mess. They forgot who their demographic was on pretty much every level. So where did they go wrong?  Ughhh where do I begin?  Oh and before I start my list let me just mention that I probably only caught the last 40 minutes or so. That’s all I had to see. So before you go “Damnit Frank! How can tear apart something you didn’t even really see?” Fuck you. There was no way in hell I was going to actually sit through that entire nuclear holocaust on taste.

Problem #1: The host. They couldn’t have chosen a worse host for this event. Chelsea Handler wasn’t funny on any level. The one skit I saw her do, where she was in the hot tub with the cast of Jersey Shore and she gets out pregnant was boring and unoriginal. I get it. They’re disgusting low lifes… thanks for enlightening me. That was really the best you could come up with Chelsea? Wow. I had a better idea for a skit. Chelsea is on stage introducing Eminem and Rhianna as the next musical performance when a 30 pound anvil drops from the ceiling onto her head. Then we could really put her physical comedy skills to the test. If anyone can make paramedic’s stabilizing a severe head injury funny it’s her. The real punch line of the skit would be when the custodians are wiping her brain matter off the stage. HAHA! Oh man. Plus later on in the show they could have announced to the crowd that she passed away on the way to the hospital. It would have been the joke that keeps on giving. But that didn’t happen… and we were tormented for the rest of the show. This woman is so unfunny. The only joke she has is pointing out obvious character flaws in washed up celebrities. How uninspired do you have to be to rely on those jokes as a clutch? Plus she looks like the creature from the black lagoon. Ewww to the max.

After the awards show she is released back into the lagoon, her natural habitat so her scales won't dry up.

Problem #2: The musical performances sucked dick. I saw a musical performance by B.O.B. and Haylee Williams from that shit band Paramore. I actually don’t hate the song. It’s super catchy. I can see why it would be a hit. But boy did they find a way to turn that into shit live. What they performed… didn’t sound like the song they recorded. That was the problem right there. Sound’s pretty stupid doesn’t it? You record a hit song… and then when it comes time to perform it in front of a huge audience, you change it so that all the catchy parts are gone, and make it so disjointed that no one even knows what they are listening to. See this was a case of these two artists or whoever was in charge of this thinking that they had made serious music… but they didn’t… they made a hit. A pop hit. Nothing else. It was a catchy chorus with a cool beat with some interchangeable rapper. Trying to pawn that off as art or some type of serious, dramatic expression was a mistake. The only way they could have made that song into a serious artistic performance would be if they had B.O.B. and Haylee perform the song as normal so the audiences ears wouldn’t bleed and then hand them a .38 caliber revolver loaded with a single bullet. They would then play Russian roulette as they sing/rap and by the end of the song one of them is getting their head blown off. Now that’s serious! Hows that for drama?! And it would actually sound like the song is supposed to. At least until the gun discharges into one of their skulls.

Why didn’t they just have Ke$ha do an acoustic performance of Tik Tok? Well they were actually going to but she showed up dressed in a trash bag. Literally, dressed in a trash bag.  The other performance I saw was Kayne West. And all I have to say is that I don’t think he grasps what auto-tuning your voice is supposed to accomplish. The idea is that it makes your voice sound better… He auto tuned himself to the point where we were just hearing noise…

This wasn't photo-shopped. She actually wore a garbage bag...

Problem #4: They allowed Linkin Park to perform. Wow are these guys old. Wow are these guy’s bad. They couldn’t have been more lame. They looked like U2 in every possible way and that’s not a good thing. They were playing on this huge ridiculous set and weren’t moving around at all. Chester their singer was wearing a leather jacket and huge sun glasses and was a spitting image of Bono… who is a 50 year old man. He couldn’t have looked any more cliche. The rest of them just looked like old run-down slobs. They got on stage and played the most boring song they could find. I don’t think the guitar players actually played anything. It really looked like they were pretending to be busy. Because you would watch them move their hands… but you wouldn’t anything but cheesy sampling and Chester’s whinny voice. It was just lame. There is no way that performance was geared towards a person under the age of 62. I had an better idea for a performance they could have done. You put them all in this huge pit with 15 ft walls and you set up their equipment and let them start their song. Then 15 seconds in you release 30 starving alligators into the pit and let them feast on the band. As the band is fighting off the alligators with their instruments which they really weren’t playing anyway, the MTV DJ plays one of their old hits like Points Of Authority and by the time the song is over the alligators are full and everyone cheers because what’s left of Linkin Park (a couple of arms and a foot) aren’t capable of making music ever again. That’s how you turn lemons into lemonade.

Thankfully they wouldn't last long. These alligators came to eat!

Problem #4: Cher. Do I even need to explain why this was stupid? Do I? Cher is 64 years old and delusional. Out of every person in the world she was probably the worst person to have present the big award for the night. If the person in charge of the show had done their job and spoken to Cher for even 30 seconds they would have realized that this is a person that is probably eating cat food. And what I mean by “cat food” Is that she is taking cats, killing them… and turning them into food. For your big, hip, fresh music video awards show is the 64 year old Cher, the person you want handling it’s biggest moment? How did she do? Well the first thing she did was date herself by talking about how all the artists up for the award were baby’s when she in her prime… well it can’t get much worse then that. Nope it did. She then took about 15 seconds to ask the person handling the cue cards that she was reading off of to move so she could see. She didn’t even know where she was.

It was such a bad idea from the start. There was only one way that it could’ve worked. If they just had to use her they should have done an old meets new kind of thing, where Cher gets on stage and rapes little Justin Bieber. She holds him down and sodomizes him with the strap on she was wearing anyway (She might as well have been wearing one). She could’ve then pulled out a hunting knife held it to his jugular and forced Justin to bang her on stage. We could have watched Justin become a man before our very eyes. That was the only scenario involving Cher that would have worked.  And by the way I just want to mention that Justin Bieber looked like such a little douche bag. I’ve never wished so hard for a dead satellite to just fall from space and strike someone down. And yes I’m very jealous that every girl I like would rather have sex with that 16 year old kid then me.

Eww. I didn't like editing this.

They should have just changed the name of the show to the AARP Awards. These were my notes on just 40 minutes of the show… thank god I didn’t watch the whole thing. If you enjoyed any part of this show then you’re either a fucking idiot or you’re in you late 60’s and you thought seeing Cher on the TV was “a real trip down memory lane.” Fuck the MTV Video Music Awards and fuck you!


One Response to “MTV VMA’s Target Audience: AARP Members.”

  1. Problem #5) Lindsey Lohan was vomit-inducingly hideous, despite having only been on screen for thirty seconds.


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