A Joe Classic: “Pirate Raptors Invade Hollywood”

This entry was posted on Sep 27 2010

*This story was written in 2007 for an ex-girlfriend to present as her own work for her writing assignment. It was met with very hateful reactions from her pretentious classmates who apparently have no sense of humor, who cited it being “racist” and “horrible”. It was presented anonymously, as were everyone’s stories for this particular assignment, and she feared it would eventually come out she was responsible. I would later have to go to the school and speak to her teacher (one of my former teachers) and confess I was the brilliant mind who composed it. Hopefully, every person in her class that opposed this so greatly are either dead or harboring some life threatening drug habit. This was also the first time I wrote as a chick. Dead on, right?*

Do you wanna know how I became so optimistic about life? Well, it all stated this horrendous Tuesday afternoon… You see, I had to return this blouse to Mandee because the stitching was just totally blah. There was this girl at the counter, Misty, and she just like totally refused to take it back because the receipt had expired and they claimed that the damage wasn’t their fault. What a slut, right? So obviously my day was ruined! Then while I was walking home I came across this little old woman who was crossing the street. She had a cane in her hand and looked so helpless. And it was that prime example of how life can throw you those curve-balls once in a while. Then life threw a curve-ball at the old woman…well, not a curve-ball exactly, it was a bus. A bus that blew the light and mutilated that woman in the most horrific way possible. It was at that moment I realized that inside that out of control bus were about twenty elementary school children that I was going to need to save. I bent down, laced up my brand new Starburys, and ran towards the bus. I scaled the side of the vehicle that was still speeding down the intersection and reached the roof. I pulled out my absurdly large hunting knife and began to tear through the steel. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, five Hispanic ninjas jumped out in front me complaining about the poor wages they get at their landscaping jobs. Just as I was about to commence the most ethnically epic battle of my entire life…they fell asleep. How delightfully typical. I climbed down through the roof of the moving bus and confronted the children, explaining how I was here to save their pathetic lives, but not to get used to it, because someday they will have to grow up and fight their own battles, probably lose, fall into a deep depression full of drugs and broken dreams, leaving them with this irreversible emptiness inside, void of all emotion…and probably impotent, too.

Right as I was about to get to the part where they all get cancer I realized that they weren’t actually children in need of rescue…they were half bear, half mutant cyborgs. How I ever thought they were children in the first place I’ll never know, but what I was sure about was that the last time I battled something that was half bear I needed arthroscopic surgery and about ten caskets for all the dead half bear creatures I had to fuck up. To make matters worse I looked up front to see who was driving the bus, because I have a natural curiosity that rarely blows up in my face, and it was none other than Danny DeVito! Danny shifted the bus into cruise control and turned to face me. Within seconds I noticed the bomb strapped across his chest and the sadistic grin on his face. “I’ll be in any movie!”, Danny screams. “Seriously, it doesn’t matter how awful it is!” Danny then used his ultimate power, the power to summon radioactive locusts. The radioactivity didn’t make the locusts anymore threatening, but it did make them sound cool. As the locusts swarmed around me and the half bear, half mutant cyborgs began to chant some undead language all I could think about was that I figured the sass I got from that slut Misty would be the worst part of my day…and it still kind of was. I mean seriously, who hasn’t been in this situation before? It’s just not that big of a deal, right?

It was either find a picture of Danny DeVito or photoshop a half bear, half mutant cyborg...this was easier, and kind of fullfills the latter anyway.

Anyway, I didn’t have any weapons and things were sure looking bleak. Neither Danny nor I were paying any attention to the bus at that moment and it crashed violently into a nearby Denny’s. Though many meals were ruined, nobody seemed to mind. In fact they seemed relieved to have something disrupt the dull predictability of Denny’s. I fled the bus and looked for anyone who could help. Unfortunately the bus crashed in front of an orphanage and aquarium; as if I wasn’t depressed enough? DeVito laughed hysterically as he listed off some of the horrible movies he was in. “I was actually in Death to Smoochy! Why did I do that movie?! I didn’t even need the money!”, screamed DeVito. I was about to give up, go home, and cry myself to sleep, but it was just one of those crazy days where anything could happen. That’s when Presidential candidate Barack Obama drove up in his Escalade. Obama popped the trunk, pulled out two semi-automatic rifles, and blew DeVito and the mutant bear cyborgs away. Then he reached into his glove compartment and took out a cab of Lysol. Apparently the only weakness that radioactive locusts have is Lysol. You can buy Lysol at any of your local CVS or Rite Aid, and no, that wasn’t just a shameless plug. As the street lay littered with the bloody carcasses of half bear, half mutant cyborgs and dead locusts, Obama stood there staring at me and finally asks, “So, will you vote for me in ‘08?” I stared at him awkwardly and of course replied, “Oooh…yeah, um, you’re…you’re black. So…nah…” Obama swallows and mutters, “Oh…that’s cool, I guess. Kind of understandable.” As Barack choked back tears with a Colt 45 I realized something very important. I could just re-gift the blouse when one of my friends’ birthdays roll around.

So, that my friends is the story of how the dinosaurs blew up the sun. Wait, what was I talking about?

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