Stephen Hawking Is A Quadriplegic And Nobody Cares

This entry was posted on Sep 10 2010

I’m so sick of this fucking freak. I was sure that he was dead. I had no doubt in my mind about it and I was certain I didn’t care. Yet, there he was on one of the news headlines, as alive as he can be (if you call that living), and pitching some new book where, shocker, he talks about how God doesn’t exist. You know, it seems to me that the general theme of aging is that you begin to accept God into your life. As you get older and start to wither away you welcome a higher power into your life. That’s what everyone does. That’s what people do! Of course, Mr. Hawking barely qualifies for the category of “people” these days. The religion thing, that’s for another paragraph. Let’s start with the obvious…

How is this man still alive? I have a theory, but I’ll make you anticipate it a little longer. That’s just how I roll. Like when a chick goes down on you and she’s just licking the head for what feels like an eternity! Cut to the chase, whore! I didn’t pay you for dramatics! I don’t need my mood set! And this situation is no different! First of all, what’s with the voice? You’re living in the past, man! Update that shit! I’d like to see Billy Dee Williams voice that machine. I think the contrast of a smooth, sexual black man’s voice to this pasty, cripple would be delightful. Hawking on the other hand strikes me as a hateful bigot despite his probable Star Wars obsession. So, why not cut a blank check to Gilbert Gottfried or Bobcat Goldthwait? Maybe if Hawking was a little wackier, I could take him seriously. Stop wasting your money on wheelchair ramps and other frivolous accessories when you could be reviving the careers of two of the world’s most important funny men, you rich son of a bitch! I mean, come on. You sound like the re-mixed vocals on a techno song. Rebellious kids probably take ecstasy and rave to your voice giving a speech! I heard that Kanye (someone I also want dead) is thinking of sampling your voice for a re-released version of “Stronger”. I think the part I hate the most is that you won’t even understand this article! So, I took the liberty of translating it for you…

Dear Stephen Hawking,

01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101



American Translation: “Fuck you”

If this guy is so smart than why can’t he cure amyotrophic lateral sclerosis? Or ALS, not to be confused with ASL (age, sex, location). And I don’t want to hear that lame “he’s a theological physicist, not a doctor” excuse again. If there is anyone in the world who should believe in God, it’s this guy. Ever think that maybe your body slowly shut down from ALS because you spent most of your life speaking out against God? God is probably up there in Heaven, sitting atop his ivory throne, throwing back shots of Jameson every time you claim the universe was created “spontaneously”. Pausing his ColecoVision (’cause he kicks it old school) every now and then to deteriorate your balance and limit the use of your arms and legs. I bet if you spent less time “proving he doesn’t exist” and more time in a confessional telling a priest all your blasphemous thoughts, you might still be able to take a shit on your own. Remember people, this guy SHITS himself everyday. No control of his bowels, but this is the guy everyone adores? And you can’t be looked upon as a great mind if you’re a fucking vegetable. It’s well known that Albert Einstein was originally supposed to play the lead in Bloodsport. I’ll tell ya what, Hawking…I bet God will forgive you for all your transgressions if you simply kneel before an alter and…oh wait. Well, I guess you’ll just have to spend the rest of your life teaching at Cambridge while punks trying to get into the best fraternity shove broom handles into the spokes of your wheelchair. And no one will help you up for fear they might catch your weakness. Hey man, I’m not the sharpest tack in the drawer, but I can still push you down a flight of stairs and then bang my girlfriend!

God exists, unlike your motor neurons.

On a quick side note, Richard Dawkins is another guy who can suck my dick. Some uptight asshole who probably got molested in the boy’s bathroom in high school now has to go around denouncing God in order to feel important. Are you trying to make atheism cool? Because there is NOTHING less cool than being an atheist. And even worse, you try and give it a hipster vibe. “Come on, man. Like, God is wack, right kids?” You study fucking animals, guy. Get over yourself. Dawkins is probably just as bitter as Hawking. If I had to guess, I’m sure this guy just really wanted to bang out Jane Goodall, but some stupid gorilla got to her first before they could cut off it’s hands and turn them into ashtrays. By the time Dawkins got to her he could get both his arms elbow deep into that snatch, and what’s the fun in that? Where’s the challenge? Just because you wrote a few piss poor, fucking books doesn’t give you the right to be this pompous, arrogant jackass who feels it’s his purpose and duty to turn people off of religion. You’re never going to get everyone to stop believing in God (in some form or another). Pack it in and kill yourself. You’re no better than any other religious extremist. You’re just on the other end of the spectrum trying to force your ideals onto everyone. The only thing keeping me from acquiring a copy of “The God Delusion”, drinking dangerous amounts of liquid laxative, and having the most epic dysentery all over it is the $15.95 that I’m convinced you get a piece of. Even if it’s only a cent, it would still be too much of a contribution for my stomach to bare. I’d rather steal it from Barnes and Noble and then do the deed. See, Dawkins? You’ve turned me into a criminal, but hell, being a child-hungry pedophile would still be better than being an atheist.

Now the book is also LITERALLY full of shit.

So, do you want to know how Hawking is still alive? Has the anticipation boiled over? Have you taken out your aggression on some one you love yet? Stephen Hawking is the Anti-Christ. Only the Anti-Christ would hate God and religion this much. And given the medical history of Hawking, there’s simply no justification for his continued existence other than him being inhuman. Even the people on “I Survived” are baffled. And with 2012 around the corner, he just has to hang on a little longer. You’re probably asking how Dawkins fits into all this…well, I’ve thought of that. They bang each other. Dawkins climbs up that wheelchair and dips his balls in and out of that stupid, paralyzed face while crying, trying to think of new ways to pitch evolution. Let’s shoot Dawkins in the face with a shotgun and tie each of Hawking’s dead arms and legs to their respective ravenous animal and watch on national television as he is torn apart by the limbs.

Listen, here’s an interesting perspective. If these assholes are right (they’re not), then after we’re dead there’s nothing and we won’t have to worry about it. However, if there is an afterlife, then they are going to Hell. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I live my life as an honest and awesome Christian and there is an afterlife, I’m in the clear, but if there isn’t one, then who cares? Just seems like the odds are in my favor for believing in God, than not. Also, I can walk around whenever I want and never have to bang out a gorilla’s sloppy seconds. Remember, an opinion fueled by hatred is way more interesting. These gimps and pagans can go fuck themselves.

3 Responses to “Stephen Hawking Is A Quadriplegic And Nobody Cares”

  1. I came across this site by accident. You are obviously old enough to know better so I just feel sorry for you, dude. But hopefully your smart gene will kick in or you will die soon so this world will be a little less sad. My gods, you must be a lonely man.

  2. As a matter of fact, I recently broke the world record for “most friends ever”. So loneliness is not a problem for me. Something you might look forward to, though? Spoiler Alert: When Stephen Hawking inevitably rolls down a flight of stairs and dies, it won’t be taboo anymore for everyone to admit how much he freaks them out. People will rejoice in the streets that we don’t need to listen to a robot telling us there is no God anymore. Within ten minutes of his death President Obama will declare it “Hawking Is Finally Dead Day” (which will be celebrated every year, everyone will get off work) and librarians will burn all his books.

  3. This is frikken hilarious..thanks and keep blogging!! :)

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