The perfect man gets even better!

This entry was posted on Sep 03 2010

Since the day I was born I’ve been the man. I’m not going to lie. People have always looked up to me. They say things like “Frank, let me do a line of coke off your dick. Please. ” or “Frank, I can’t believe you ate that dead raccoon we found outside of 7/11.” People have always traveled from all over to tap my brain for all of it’s knowledge. They ask me many of life’s great questions. Like “Frank, are coconuts a nut or a fruit?” My answer: “Who the fuck cares?” That’s the type of knowledge that people want and need and that’s why they come to me. Thankfully I was born a perfect person and I know everything. Fun Frank Fact #34: Frank has never been wrong about anything. Ever.

But hey, it’s not easy being better than everyone else. Believe it or not I’m still discovering things about myself. It’s been well documented that I’m perfect in every way. I was the star of the hit TLC show “The Perfect Man” a documentary about the greatest person to ever grace this Earth. Unfortunately it had to be pulled after one episode because technology hasn’t caught up to my brilliance yet. About twenty minutes into the show during the night of the premiere 31,000 televisions exploded killing 37 people. Despite the warning and disclaimer at the beginning of the show 16 children under the age of 11 were allowed to watch. All of them had violent fatal aneurysms. Luckily for TLC, I convinced each and every person in the class action lawsuit to not only drop their lawsuits but also bang the head of programing (he was recently divorced and had been going through a dry spell. I felt bad for him). Despite that show, the truth is that believe it or not… I can get even better. I’m still maturing. I know this now for a couple of reasons.

I loved this show

#1) My tastes are becoming even more refined. I’ve always love watching Gordon Ramsey humiliate and belittle people on Hell’s Kitchen. It’s truly one of my joy’s in life to see Chef break someone’s will to live because they under-seasoned a risotto.  But now I’ve also grown to love Master Chef for totally different reasons. On this show instead of tearing someone down he builds them up. It’s a joy to watch as he compliments instead of berates. It is surely a sign of maturity.

My taste in music has also fermented into a beautifully smoky scotch. I was watching Hung last week when the theme song caught my ear so I did some research and I discovered this band called The Black Keys. I downloaded the album and wow was I blown away.

It’s soulful, elegant, simplistic, rustic rock sound has opened up a whole new avenue of unexplored mature music for me. It has shown me that a song does not have to contain blast beats to be worth listening to.

#2) The second reason is that I showed restraint last week when it came to disciplining Joe. He spilled a small glass of milk on my floor and despite his best efforts it took him 29 seconds to clean it up. Normally I would have given him the beating of his life. As the back of my hand came down and struck him across the face it was as if I had experienced a revelation. I didn’t have to humble Joe with a beating to teach him. I could use words instead. So I stopped. I picked his quivering body off the floor and wipe the blood and tears from his eyes. I said Joe there is no need to be afraid. I’m never going to send you to the hospital again. Fun Joe Fact #14: Frank has sent Joe to the hospital 78 times in the past 12 months with severe to life threatening beatings. I said “Joe, I’m not going to hurt you any more than I have to. So how many bones I break tonight is up to you.” He thanked me and wept in my arms. I then began the lesson. I taught him the correct way to hold a cup. I taught him how to get the milk from the cup into his mouth. Then I showed him how to swallow it and explained what happened to food after you ate it. And once he stopped crying and tried, he picked it up very quickly. I’m very proud of him. I’ve only hit him three times since (not counting the kick to the chest that broke three ribs). Kudos to me.

When I first met Joe he was eating out of the garbage. I taught him how to be a part of civilized society. It's been a long arduous process that still has a long way to go. In the beginning the only way he learned was through severe beatings.

My research has shown that once I have fully matured the power of my brain functioning normally will cause anyone within a 15 foot radius to explode. Luckily that is a couple of weeks away. Listen the entire point of this article wasn’t to talk about how great I am. That would be crazy and narcissistic. I wrote it to let everyone know that as perfect as I am… I can actually be even greater. That there is such a thing as perfection and I’m almost there, and when I get there the world will be a better place. People will beg me for the right to spontaneously combust in my presence.

If you are feeling week in the knees it’s okay. That’s normal. This is point in the article where you violently orgasm and make a tremendous mess. I wrote it to do that to you. I designed this article that way. It’s not your fault. Feel no shame.  In fact I want you to save the tissue that you use to clean this mess. I want you to frame it and keep it with you forever, hanging it over your bed. I want you to point to it every night and remind your partner before you make love or even fall asleep, that those tissues hold the remains of the strongest most satisfying pleasure you’ve ever felt, and that nothing they do will ever be able to replicate that knee buckling sensation I’ve given you at this moment. It will likely be the wedge that destroys any current or future relationship you ever have.  Understand that your life is all down hill from this moment on and be thankful that you’ve read this article.

After all this of course I know what you are thinking right now. And your welcome. If you would like to weep you may do so now.

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