BIG LEAGUE CHEW: Yanks Sweep, Gwynn Dying Of Cancer

This entry was posted on Oct 17 2010

For the second year in a row the Yankees have swept the Twins and I couldn’t care less. I’m going to be upfront with you…I’m only bringing up the playoffs to lure fat, jerk Yankee fans into reading this article. They’re on their way to buying another championship, terrific. I mean, let’s be honest, the MLB post-season is a fucking joke. Who cares who wins? The playoffs are riddled with performance enhancing drugs and incompetent, stubborn umpires (some of which have no business being in that profession, let alone alive) who make horrible, unforgivable mistakes that seem to always DIRECTLY effect the outcome of the game. And Bud Selig, who always looks like an old man with dementia lost at a bus stop, refuses to institute instant replay as a means to rectify all the blown calls his blind umpires miss. Real quick, because it’s a tired fucking subject…instant reply in baseball:

1) Argument: Instant replay will slow down the game.

Rebuttal: You mean more than the five to ten minute manager tirades, constant time-outs in the batter’s box to readjust gloves and kick dirt off cleats, and most importantly the already stagnant game play which makes damn sure there is almost no excitement? If you handled instant replay similar to the way the NFL handles challenges it would make perfect sense. Each team gets three challenges a game and can use them for whatever play they wish. It would take no more than two minutes to check a play for accuracy because baseball is mind numbingly simple. Not to mention the fact that there’s usually only one or two really questionable plays anyway; most of which end up deciding who wins the game!

2) Argument: Baseball needs it’s human element.

Rebuttal: Are amphetamines, human growth hormone, and other performance enhancing drugs part of that human element? The game has already lost that “national pastime” touch, get over it. If the game is going to be this flawed, greedy, and pathetic, couldn’t we at least allow the right team to win?

Listen, baseball is one of the most boring games on the planet. Horseshoes is more exciting. Come on, ninety percent of the game is spent standing still or sitting! That being said, I will waste no more of my time (or yours) talking about a sport that has literally been the cause of death for several people around the world (advanced lack of mental stimulation). What I really want to get into is Tony Gwynn. Gwynn is a baseball Hall of Famer who played his entire career on the San Diego Padres and was recently diagnosed with cancer of the salivary gland. Gwynn says that his constant chewing of tobacco “may” have contributed to the cancer. Think so, Tony? Think that might have done the trick? Not definitely, but “may have”? Wow, this blows my mind. I mean, why were you playing baseball when you should have been in the lab working on cures for diseases?

When he dies, we can cut out the cancer parts and eat the rest!

Scientist Tony Gwynn: “Hey, Socko…I think I’m on to something here. If cigarettes cause cancer…and tobacco is in the cigarettes…then maybe, just maybe, and this is a hunch, chewing tobacco might cause oral cancer.

Socko: “I don’t know, Tony…”

Scientist Tony Gwynn: “Nah, listen, ‘cause you chew the tobacco in your mouth! Oral! Right?! Now, how do I get rid of my cancer…?

Socko: “Hmm, I bet human ejaculate cures it!

Scientist Tony Gwynn: “No foolin’? We need to test this!”

Socko: “Let’s get started!”

Tony Gwynn gets down on his knees and takes a huge mouthful of Socko’s junk, balls and all, trying to get every bit of that cure down his throat. He swallows the load and then dies slowly of cancer.

This is about the moment in the article where Joe stops being polite (have I ever been polite?) and starts getting belligerent. When the twenty-five year old track star gets diagnosed with cancer it’s a real tragedy, but how am I supposed to feel any sympathy for Tony Gwynn? Since 1997 the guy has had three different procedures to have non-cancerous growths removed from his parotid gland. Even after those three procedures, he refused to give up his habit of chewing tobacco. What did he expect to happen? Hey, give him a break, right? It’s not like he had society, friends, family, and doctors telling him that if he kept chewing tobacco he was putting himself in a high risk category of succumbing to some kind of mouth cancer, right? Maybe I’m missing something? Perhaps when Tony was a reckless teenager he hung with a bad crowd and they were all shooting up liquid naivety and ignorance, ya know, to be hip, and Tony OD’d.

If you smoke cigarettes you’re a fucking idiot. Wait, what? Oh, I’m sorry, I missed that. You say they make you feel good? Kill yourself. Oh wait, you’re doing that currently by smoking. My mistake. Anyone who has started smoking within the last fifteen years should be put to death, because they are using up (and polluting) the valuable little bit of oxygen we have left that could be going into the lungs of someone more worthy. These people who pick up the habit must either be brain dead to not comprehend (or accept) the clear and obvious dangers of smoking or that person is a sad, pathetic piece of shit who was peer pressured into smoking. Either way, when the doctor hands you the rapidly decreasing hourglass (not a metaphor, I hear they literally hand you an hourglass these days) that is the time you have left on this planet after you’ve been diagnosed with cancer (in whatever place you cherish the most), don’t expect me to be with you bedside with any sort of sympathy. Nah, but what I will have prepared is a Power Point presentation of this very article ready to humiliate you and maybe help the cancer along.

“Joe, you just don’t get it! I’m addicted! I have no will power and I’m a loser!” Yeah, but you knew cigarettes were addicting and everyone was telling you not to smoke. And if you want proof that you don’t have to let yourself become addicted to cigarettes you should meet my friend, Frank. He’s the guy at the party who’s really going out of his way to get everyone’s attention, ya know? So, Frank and I were at some party (and Frank doesn’t smoke, mind you) and someone near him was smoking. Frank grabs a cigarette and declares, “Hey, I don’t normally smoke! Look how outrageous I am!” And puff, puff, puff he goes. Everyone laughed awkwardly, trying desperately to hide their embarrassment for him, as Frank aggressively smoked a few cigarettes while doing some terrible dance. I tapped Frank on the shoulder and asked him what was the reason for this desperate cry for popularity and acceptance. “I need the attention, Joe. I’ve got nothing else…” I tried to get the cigarette out of his mouth, but to no avail. “Joe”, Frank said, “Let’s face it, people think I’m boring and lame. Anytime someone is talking to me…I just know all they’re thinking is how they wish I was a hotdog. Now get out of my way…I need to go buy a hotdog suit.” He brushed past me and I swear I felt the coldest, darkest breeze of my life as he left. And even though Frank never became addicted to those sin sticks, he still died of emphysema one year later.

I agree with the guy in the back! I was framed!

Tony Gwynn proves here more than ever that people are weak. Let’s face it though, even if that guy had quit chewing tobacco you know he would have relapsed like a month later. Once a smoker, always a smoker. You could quit for two years, but one day you’re just going to be so “stressed out” that you’ll just need one little smoke, right? Christ, has no one seen Thank You For Smoking? Aaron Eckhart’s sarcastic wit in that film does the work of ten boxes of nicotine patches! So, Tony, I don’t like the things you do. And Tony, I’ll never wish I could be you. You’re the one and only Padre, with the one and only salivary cancer…you know how to fill a coffin and make it GREAT. Frosted Flakes, they’re more than good, they’re great! Look forward to my next article: Tony Gwynn’s obituary. Spoiler Alert: He dies and everyone forgets him.

The Skoal marketing team didn't even want to show up to this...

7 Responses to “BIG LEAGUE CHEW: Yanks Sweep, Gwynn Dying Of Cancer”

  1. Hey I know I’m a late, but I just came across your Tony Gwynn rant. Tony took it on himself to say that he believes it was tobacco that caused his cancer even though his doctors told him that his type of cancer has never been associated with tobacco. He has had an issue with cysts in the area where the cancer was found from a young age. All I’m saying is that your rant is off-base, but carry on. I know you will.

  2. Obviously you didn’t get where you wanted to be in life so you post bullshit about people who have. Tony Gwynn and others who have cancer, may or may not had that warning of cancer. We all do. Second hand smoke can take innocent lives away just as easily. The fact that you really make up this bullshit about someone who doesn’t even give you a thought because who are you?? You are probably some fat bastard who lives with their mother and is too fucking ugly to get laid. Or have someone to give a fuck about you. You are a bully and you probably was bullied. Get a life. You think that ranting on about someone’s life is a joke. He has done more for others than you have ever done. You know why I know that because I have seen it. Are you baseball coach? Are you spokesperson for cancer foundations? Are you giving yourself unselfishly to help others? No. You’re talking shit behind a screen because you are too much of a pussy to actually have a conversation with someone. You’re a bitch. Grow some balls and maybe, just maybe, someone might find you entertaining in the comic section of their newspaper. Fake ass journalist.

  3. Classless

  4. I can’t believe what I read here. Naturally, I did find myself amused at the shock value of what you wrote, but today is the death of Tony Gwynn. Tony was a man who did not spend his time seeking out other people to belittle for their mistakes and judge them in front of the world without a fair trial. No sir, you did that. You judged a man who donated millions of dollars and hours of his time doint volunteer work and funding charities. You sat around judging. Is your judgment going to leave any sort of positive light in the world after you are gone? No. Rather than finding fault with people, why don’t you spend a second and look at the positive side of what they are leaving behind. Maybe do an actual interview with his family about the positive impact he had on them. Or maybe an interview with his collegiate players at San Diego State. Open your eyes to the positive, will you? The world will be better for it.

  5. Sean and Unreal; this rant was posted 3.5 years ago and, although tough to digest(no pun intended) for some, is spot on in how many people ignore the obvious hazards of tobacco. So commenting today, the day of Tony’s passing seems insincere to me. As someone who grew up having my parents blow cigarette smoke over my Frosted Flakes before school, I often wonder about the effects to this day. You see, I buried my Dad in 2004 after he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He had quit four years earlier but he already had 41 years of smoking behind him. I could go on but I know you have more lame posts to visit, so I will leave you with this. Upon my Dad’s last emergency surgery to remove a two foot section of his small intestine, the Mom had the audacity to comment to the surgeon that my Dad had always been in perfect health. That is the denial that tobacco lovers push on everyone every day. Grow up tobacco lovers.

  6. Correction… Mom.

  7. It’s amazing what kind of dip shit you are . Well, maybe not amazing to the people that know you. Tony never said that “maybe” chewing tobacco caused his cancer, that is what his doctors told him. He said that he felt it did. As for baseball being boring, what a tired response by a weak minded wannabe athlete. The only boring part of baseball is the constant whine of those that have no clue. Tobacco should not be a part of baseball, this I can agree with. I have seen people use who lived full lives and also some who had their life shortened and severely impacted by their tobacco use. Choices are real and their impacts on your life and others hang in the balance. Tony did everyone a service when he refuted his doctor’s claim that “maybe” tobacco had played a part in his cancer…Tony refused to believe that and made it clear that tobacco was the cause. Well, clear to some…

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