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Celine Dion: “Falling Into You” – An In Depth Review

This entry was posted on Oct 04 2010

**On the 09/27/10 episode of Radio LIVE!, Frank and I had our friend Kevin join us as our special guest host. The three of us competed in a improv bongo competition judged by our ex-Senior Percussion Analyst (I immediately fired him for his transgressions), Sean Lucas. Sean only had time for Frank’s song, and after being coerced by my backstabbing co-hosts to declare me the loser, Sean, relishing in this rare moment of popularity, conceded. Frank would argue I deserved to lose because I opened the conversation with a rant about how Sean can’t let his jealousy of all my accomplishments drive him towards a biased review, which we said wasted Sean’s “precious” time. My rant took no more than three minutes and had I never said a word, Sean would still not have had enough time to hear all three songs. I thought maybe Sean’s apathy or the fact that Frank hadn’t called Sean to set this up more than five minutes before the show began had a little more to do with the unjust outcome, but I digress. The punishment for losing the improv bongo competition was to listen to Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You” album in it’s entirety (including two bonus tracks) and write an in depth review about it. The punishment for not writing the review was to have a carrot shoved up my ass. So, my distaste for sodomy outweighed my distaste for Celine…and here we are. Psh, and you know Frank would have loved to take his place behind…he’s been in love with me for years.**

“Falling Into You” was Celine Dion’s fourth English-language album and has sold over 32 million copies worldwide. Celine won a pair of Grammy’s for this album as well. None of this information made the task at hand any less an ordeal. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, but I vowed to respect the judgements handed down during episodes of Radio LIVE!, thus begins…

Canadians are usually known to be very successful and awesome (Martin Brodeur and Avril Lavigne), but Celine missed the boat...

THE REVIEW

1) It’s All Coming Back To Me Now – 5 STARS

A pleasant surprise. One of the four songs on this album that I’ve already heard and this actually a pretty good tune. The song depicts a person thinking about a lost love and reliving the memories for that lost relationship. This is an epic power ballad that was only enhanced by the terrific culmination of instruments, that at times, seemed orchestra-like. Though I thoroughly enjoy Meatloaf’s version better, this is a great song, and a surprisingly good start to the album.

Noteworthy Line: “And I banished every memory you and I had ever made”

- Beautifully crafted line about trying to force yourself to get over love.

2) Because You Loved Me – 5 STARS

Now, I’m worried. This is another great song that I’ve heard on the radio periodically. A beautiful power ballad written about being in love with that special someone and how they make you a better person. Anyone who’s been in love has a place for this song in them, whether they want to admit it or not. The music perfectly compliments the lyrics and vocals as the song progresses. This is the ideal song to play during graduations or weddings. Pretty much sets the mood and atmosphere and it fits well for either your significant other or parents.

Noteworthy Line: ” You’ve been my inspiration, through the lies you were the truth”

- That’s just a clever, incredible line. Probably my favorite of the album.

3) Falling Into You – 1 STAR

I’ve never heard this song before and I wish I could have kept it this way. I knew it was too good to be true. Just another boring, slow, generic song about love. The lines were cliche and forgettable. “Falling like a leaf” was around where I wanted to slit my wrists. The second half has a saxophonist come in and it almost salvages the song, but still falls short. I wouldn’t listen to this song again.

4) Make You Happy – 2 STARS

Something different, at least. I fully expected the same bullshit over and over, but this had a little hip-hop, R&B flavor to it. The vocals were hipper and bubbly, but the tragedy of this song comes from the lyrics. Some of the most mundane and uninspired lyrics I’ve ever read. The music and semi-catchy deliveries keep this song solid, but nothing more. It was the first fast paced song and seems tolerable. The last half is ultra repetitive though, with lines like “gonna make you happy” and “make you happy” littering the ensemble.

5) Seduces Me – 2 STARS

A slow, meandering waste of time. I expected this song to be sexy. I expected to want to fuck my girlfriend to it. Celine, however, usually manages to fall way short of my expectations and she does it again here. The only way this song could have worked is if the lyrics were phenomenal, which they weren’t. The subject matter is pretty self-explanatory, the ending is decent, but I couldn’t get an erection.

6) All By Myself – 3 STARS

Another song that everyone has heard before. A quaint break-up song. The kind of song that’s played during the low moment of a movie. It’s about growing up, being alone, and could be played when you’re in a very melancholy mood.

Noteworthy Line: “And love’s so distant and obscure”

- Though most of the lines were simple and sometimes repetitive, this one stands out.

7) Declaration Of Love – 2 STARS

This song has a very rocky, upbeat music introduction that sticks around for most of the song. Good piano work and rhythm guitar compliment everything as well. While there are no memorable lines, there aren’t any that become a detriment to the song. Not really good or bad, but couldn’t see wanting to listen to it again.

8 ) Dreamin’ Of You – 2 STARS

Celine mixes it up by adding some tribal flutes and other spiritual bullshit into an otherwise generic sounding song. The lyrics and vocals are delivered in a smooth fashion and they’re pretty catchy in a jazzy kind of way. I’m becoming discouraged however, considering I’m getting a lot of average, tolerable songs. I’m getting tired of love songs, but on the other hand, I guess what the fuck else would she sing about?

9) I Love You – 3 STARS

So, if you hadn’t already deciphered through this cryptic message…this song is about love. The sub-message is that the person declaring love wants nothing more than for that other person to feel the same way. This song had a nice melody; with the perfect mix of slow deliveries and pep. The title is pretty cliche, if not absurdly, but the song is good enough and I’ll allow it to continue to exist.

Noteworthy Line: “I must be crazy, maybe I dream too much…”

- I’m constantly thinking things like this because of crippling paranoia, well played Celine.

10) If That’s What It Takes – 2 STARS

This song describes exactly what this person is willing to do for love. In my opinion, going down on her man was not brought up nearly enough. About a third of the way through the song kind of picks up, but not enough. There was nothing special lyrically, vocally, or musically. Everything was just good enough to make me not smash my face into the wall. I suppose the ending is somewhat epic, or at least epic for this genre.

11) I Don’t Know – 2 STARS

I was looking forward to this song because I liked the title. It’s simple and direct, but like most things I look forward to, it was a colossal letdown. It was too soulful and left a bitterness in my ears. I guess it was powerful for this genre, but it didn’t land for me. The song is also pretty depressing considering it’s about living without love, but the lyrics weren’t good enough to make it enjoyably depressing. Even the sax and background singers in the chorus couldn’t salvage it.

12) River Deep / Mountain High – 2 STARS

I’m getting really bored with writing about Celine Dion at this point. The first few seconds of guitar work in this┬ásong rock, but then are immediately followed by an atrocious first verse and some simple shitty lyrics about a doll and some puppy. The song is about growing more in love and it’s peppy, upbeat chorus provide an interesting contrast to some of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.

Shitty Line: “I love you baby, like a flower loves the spring”

- That’s fucking bullshit, those two things coincide with each other. The flower doesn’t LOVE the spring, it uses it to survive. Shut the fuck up!

13) Call the Man – 1 STAR

The simplistic music meanders along like a senile old man who got himself separated from the heard. The “man” in this song is supposed to be this “savior” for the woman’s life. The kind of guy who’s going to fix everything in her life. The lyrics are whiny and bland, but the worst thing is how fucking slow it all is. In fact, the last minute and a half has no lyrics or musical progression. This song never should have happened.

14) Fly – 0 STARS

The second half of this album took such a dive. This last song receives the worst score of everything thus far and should never have been recorded, let alone END the album! I don’t even know what this song is about. Some spirituality bullshit. Who cares? It’s slow, boring, and lame. The lyrics were nauseating (something about planets and stars). I think maybe the song was supposed to showcase her voice or something. There were a lot of “whooos”. This song sucks.

15) Your Light – 4 STARS

This song is about Celine wanting to be the best woman for her love and it shouldn’t be a bonus track, it should have made the CD. This is the best song I’ve heard for the first time off this album. It’s a rocky, smooth song with semi-fast vocals and cool lyrics. It’s a tad edgy with in your face rhymes. It’s inspired me to be a better person.

16) You Make Me Feel (Natural Woman) – 3 STARS

A classic. Everyone has heard this one and if not for parts that were a bit too slow for my liking the score would have been higher. It lifts you up and it about feeling like a natural woman.

Boom, album review done. I didn’t enjoy writing this and I’m sure you didn’t enjoy reading it. Look forward to two or three very hateful articles coming up about various pop-culture mistakes. And maybe one about Sean Lucas? Who knows? I’m pretty bitter and spiteful after being unjustly forced to write this. Maybe I’ll even piss all over Frank’s other rooms in his apartment…?

That's a picture of Sean from his Facebook page (on a good day)...and how dare he confront me in front of my favorite restaurant where everyone knows me!

- Jobalak


One Response to “Celine Dion: “Falling Into You” – An In Depth Review”

  1. Actually I liked this review but I just wanted to inform you that Fly was about her niece who had died when she was 16. But overall very good review for someone who doesn’t really listen to Celine :)


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