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Is your dog depressed?

This entry was posted on Oct 13 2010

Hey dog owners! Does your dog seem sad? Is it not sleeping enough? Or is it sleeping too much? Is it having trouble concentrating? Does it feel hopeless? It can’t control it’s negative thoughts? If the answer to some of those questions is yes then your dog might be depressed. And you might be a fucking moron.

Your dog can't commit suicide. But you can! Consider it.

Shut the fuck up. Your dog isn’t depressed… it’s a fucking dog. I read an article today about a study done in the UK about dogs dealing with separation anxiety and getting sad and depressed when left alone. Okay lets get this straight right now. If you play with your dog and give it plenty of food it’s going to be happy. If you leave your dog alone and don’t give it any food it will be sad. That’s it. I didn’t need to conduct a study to figure that out. I’m just not an idiot. It infuriates me that anyone would actually think it was a worthwhile venture to conduct a study to determine this. I truly believe that the people that conducted this study need to be convicted of a crime (any crime I don’t care) and need to spend the rest of their lives in prison, because one day they are going to hurt a lot of people with one of their idiotic studies trying to figure out whether irritated bears enjoy violent horror films in crowded movie theaters.

That only reminded me of how much I hate dog enthusiasts, because those are exactly the type of people who would read that and actually find it interesting. Hey, I like dogs. One day (when I get my own place) I’m going to own a dog. But I can’t even deal with these fucking cretins who take their dogs that seriously. “Rufus has had a hard time since The West Wing got canceled. It was just his favorite.” Or “Ever since that tramp puddle down the street broke up with Spark Plug he just hasn’t been the same.” It’s just a dog. It isn’t a pessimist or an optimist. It doesn’t have a favorite TV show. And it isn’t capable of a real relationship. It’s just a dumb dog. AND IT IS dumb. Let’s get that straight. You can’t talk politics with your dog. It doesn’t appreciate “the tense atmosphere” of the foreign film you rented from blockbuster. When you bitch to it about your shitty day it’s doesn’t understand or care. Even if your dog could talk, what would it say to you? How would that conversation go?

You: So yea that’s why I got passed over for that promotion. It’s sooooo unfair. What do you think Scratch?

Your stupid dog: Lets play fetch.

You: Scratch!  We just played fetch I’m trying to tell you about how that little cunt Johnny weaseled his way into my promotion. He can’t even fill out an expense report!

Your stupid dog: Fetch. Fetch. Fetch.

You: Please just listen to what I’m trying to tell you. If I don’t get a promotion we won’t be able to afford to move into a nicer apartment.

Your stupid dog shits on the kitchen floor.

The End.

That is exactly how that conversation would go. Or any conversation with a dog (if they could speak) for that matter. It would always end with your dog shitting on the floor.  ”No way. That’s not my dog. My Cork Screw is just a little genius.” If you even had a thought remotely similar to that I fucking hate you. I would kill you if I had the chance. Understand that.

But yea no shit dogs can be happy or sad… If I’m at work all day and I come home tired and can’t really play with it and it looks kinda sad, I’ll just give it a Lexapro. Problem solved. No Big deal. Soon enough there are going to be anti-depressants for dog’s anyway.


2 Responses to “Is your dog depressed?”

  1. Funny the things one runs into on the net. I would post a reply to this that actually had factual information about who “dog enthusiasts” really are and what they really think…..and what dogs actually DO for us (well, you are correct that they aren’t capable of an intellectual conversation, but if you idea of one is one like the biter tirade of yours in this post then I wouldn’t want a dog that was capable of that anyway).

    I guess you are entitled to your opinion, but I REEEEALY hope you do not…or EVER do get a dog. You do not understand them and would NOT make a good owner. So, wanna kill me now :-)


  2. I’m going to make a great dog owner. My dog’s name will be O.J. Simpson, because he will be well known around the block for dating and abusing white women and before murdering them (and their new Jew boyfriends) after they leave him.


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