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Mark David Chapman: American Hero

This entry was posted on Oct 20 2010

If it were not for this courageous man, The Beatles might have put out more albums. For those of you who don’t know, Mark David Chapman is the lion-hearted warrior who murdered John Lennon. Unlike the bumbling, arrogant killers you see in the movies (or in real life), Chapman shot Lennon not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR (my new favorite number) times in the back outside Lennon’s New York apartment. Yoko Ono did a marvelous job breaking up the Beatles, but the problem was they were all still alive. Theoretically, they could have gotten back together and actually produced more music! Chapman equalized that problem. George Harrison wouldn’t die until 2001 and those other two assholes are still meandering around this planet somewhere. By murdering Lennon, Chapman made damn sure there was no way that overrated band could ever have a new album or reunion tour! And somehow this man is in prison? For what? Freeing us from the shackles of this catchy, bubblegum pop bullshit? We should be thanking him! Every year we should have a parade in his honor on December 8th (the day he killed Lennon) or every third Monday in January (just seems like a good day…)! Does no one else see that the Beatles fucking sucked?

He did God's work; what everyone was too scared to do. Thank you, sir.

Listen, the Beatles fucking suck. Let me put this is some sort of perspective… I was enjoying the company of some of my closest friends one night. We were having a great time until someone decided to put on VH1’s “100 Greatest Artists Of All-time”. We all started to debate whether each passing artist deserved to be on the list, but Frank and I came to the conclusion that watching this program was irrelevant because the stupid Beatles would of course be number one. After a violent and bigoted argument concluded I was left thinking that it wasn’t fair that only these three people were permitted the opportunity to hear my reasoning, hence, this article…

The thing that makes me the angriest is that people call The Beatles “revolutionary”. I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard ANYTHING less accurate. People, wake up! If The Beatles hadn’t been around someone, ANYONE else would have filled that void! “I want to hold your hand”? “Help! I need somebody’s help!”? These are the “inspiring” and “ground-breaking” lyrics that you all thought were so great? They perfected (not invented) pop music. Should Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus be in the same category as The Beatles? I mean, I’m not sure I see much of a difference between the writing! “Eight Days A Week”? Really? Oh, wait! I just got it! ‘Cause there’s only SEVEN days in a week, right?! Hahaha! Fucking hilarious! So clever! How did they come up with this shit?! They didn’t change anything! They just came up with really catchy melodies and lyrics so simple that you’d have to be a neanderthal not to be able to sing along with! We didn’t need The Beatles. Maybe music would be like five years behind, so what?

The second half of The Beatles musical career makes me fucking sick. All the songs were just drug induced nonsense that didn’t make sense and don’t fucking tell me I “just don’t get it” because fuck you! There’ s NOTHING to get. They just all became drug addicts and kept writing songs. There’s the big secret. Addiction. Some artists actually get better when they get heavily addicted to narcotics or alcohol (Steve Harwell, Smash Mouth), but The Beatles actually managed to fuck that up, too. Then there are people who try and tell me that you’ll only get the songs if you’re high. Fuck you, too. What a concept! The music is only good if you’re high? Then you’re not a real musician. And please, what’s not awesome when you’re high? My drug addict friends stare at bugs for six hours and have the time of their lives, so what does that really say about The Beatles? Then they eat the bugs! They EAT the bugs and listen to Abbey Road with this undeserved sense of pride and look down on me for not “getting” it? Let’s face it, The Beatles were already SO famous and popular that they could have put out ANYTHING and it would have sold ten million copies! The four of them could have smoked a ton of pot, devoured some laxatives to satiate their munchies, and then recorded themselves taking horrible, unholy shits. And they DID record it! They titled it “Revolution”. And yes, I “get” that “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” is about LSD. I didn’t need a fucking college degree or an ounce of kush to decipher that code!

The only time I didn't mind The Beatles was when they were played by people who HAVE talent.

And awesome, now Paul McCartney’s son is trying to be musical? Nah, fuck that. Why are these people doing this to me? Don’t they understand how much it bothers me they’re still alive? And of course his son has the same dumb, goofy fucking face as his father… I actually don’t mind Ringo so much, but that’s purely because nobody likes Ringo. If everyone looked at Ringo like they looked at Paul, then I’d hate him just as much.

Paul's kid always has that same, fucking look on his face!

Which brings us back to the hero of the story. The knight of the village. The slayer of evil. Mark David Chapman. For some bizarre reason they keep denying him parol. Why? Afraid he’s going to off some more Beatles? Well, he is. As soon as he gets out, POP POP, dead Paul and Ringo. No one would miss them, no one would care. They weren’t that big of a deal. However, if you are brain damaged enough to enjoy their music, here are some tips…

1) Never operate heavy machinery; you’re probably too stoned or mentally handicapped.

2) Stay one thousand feet away from schools and children at all times; your idiocy could be contagious (also, you’re probably a pedophile).

3) You were probably meant to be stillborn or aborted; so proceed to kill yourself.

When Paul and Ringo die, The Post will run this picture with the headline; "Last Beatles Squashed: A Nation Rejoices!"

The only good Beatle, is a dead one!


29 Responses to “Mark David Chapman: American Hero”

  1. Did it ever occur to you (and a few others) that you may be the one who’s tone deaf? Go ahead, put your money where your mouth is, and produce something more entertaining to the masses! If you can’t, then your arguments are irrelevent.


  2. I produced this article, which has already surpassed more popularity than any Beatles album in existence! Also, how did you know I eat money? That’s how rich I am. I put money in a bowl, pour Goldschlager in it, and eat it as cereal. The Beatles suck and so do you!


  3. this the best part of the internet… smash mouth fans get to rant and rave about how the beatles sucked in a little pussy attempt to find the attention they never got from their parents. dont worry little buddy… you’re being heard. just quit acting like a faggot and write something with some substance… not a whole “the beatles sucked and you suck too if you like them”… everyone sees it for what it is… just pathetic.


  4. The Beatles sucked so badly, that they manage to actually suck even worse over 4 decades later,..and even through the gentle lens of time! If you play their records backwards – you can hear sucking noises!

    They ruined music in the US,..and used their influence to corrupt the minds of millions,..

    Good riddance to foul rubbish.


  5. Oh yeah, why would they be so influential and loved? Overrated is not an answer as you need to go up in fame, you simply don’t start there. Ringo and Paul were the only ones with skill but Lennon was the creator. It’s just little fuckers like you that are too close minded to accept others opinions. Btw, music is a corruption to the mind? It’s an opinion you dumb fuck.


  6. You truly are the biggest piece of shit in the world. How would you like to lose your father, your partner or your friend to a nutjob who brutally murdered them with a gun. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL YOU STUPID CUNT! Music is opinion you fucking moron, and you are so stupid that you think you can just dismiss the Beatles. You’re a fucking Smash Mouth fan, who in my opinion, are fucking bullshit. I shit better music than them….in my fucking opinion. That band will never be heard of in 50 years, but guess who still are heard of 50 years later…..that’s right….THE FUCKING BEATLES.

    You are an awful human being who is sick to talk about any human being death like that. You complete waste of semen.


  7. “Hey Azi,” says J. “Yes?” responds Azi, pulling J’s cock out of his mouth. “I found this article about The Beatles online and it’s really, really good and I’m super jealous of it. Let’s bash it together!” suggests J. “Super idea!” says Azi. “But let me finish swallowing your load before we start!”

    Listen up, sluts! Opinions can be wrong, it happens. Unfortunately for you guys, you happen to be on that side of the spectrum, because everything I said wasn’t actually opinion, but rather FACT. The Beatles were awful, and the only reason they’ll still be remembered in 50 years is because the majority of people who listen to music that attentively are (a) stoners, and (b) idiots. And there will always be more stoner idiots in the world than magnificent demigods like myself.

    Oh, and J, shouldn’t they’re be a question mark after you ask me how I would feel if I lost someone I loved? You remember, it’s the sentence written entirely in caps, which I imagine was your subtle way of telling me you’re “yelling” that particular line. Come on, you know the one! It ended with that supremely clever “you stupid cunt”. You must have finished top of you crack den class with a stunning vocabulary like that! Kudos to you, sir! I’m sure listening to Eleanor Rigby (maybe the worst song ever written) while you masturbate in a dumpster after being fired from your fourth Denny’s in two months will quiet the deafening roar of your failure on those cold winter nights. If I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world, at least I’m the best at something. You’ll ALWAYS be a fucking loser. Smooches, bitch!


  8. Um excuse me you want to call all Beatles fans stupid pedo stoners! To be real I am one of the smartest people at my high school and ho dare you say Chapman is a hero! Murder no matter who gets killed is wrong! I’m a hippie call me that I don’t give a fuck you piece of shit I belive in peace not war. But I really want to punch you! And think about how Paul George Ringo Mimi Sean and Yoko felt when John was killed he was a father a friend a husband and you say its awesome that he died! You are a disgrace and MUSIC IS OPINION! So shove your dumbass OPINON (not facts) up a donkey’s ass! You’re the minority here:).


  9. What High School do you attend? I want to write them a letter, because “one of the smartest people” in their school doesn’t understand the basic fundamentals of the English language (e.g. spelling and commas).
    I guess all the time that should have been spent on grammar and punctuation was used up on articulate comebacks such as, “shove your dumbass opinion up a donkey’s ass”…? I don’t care for hippie culture, but I wouldn’t even insult THEM by lumping you in with that classification. You’re more like human filth. Or a cretin.

    I’m well aware that I’m in the minority regarding this stance. I’m not an oblivious moron like yourself. It would be pretty hard for me to ignore their record sales and popular acclaim. I’m simply saying that the majority of people have no taste. You fall into that category, buddy! Give yourself a pat on the back! Oh, you’ve never received a pat on the back before? You don’t know how that works? That doesn’t surprise me… You probably don’t have any friends considering you most likely have some foul odor constantly emanating from your body because of the lack of showers (educated guess, but I imagine you roll around in mud for fun). Enjoy your lonely, unsatisfying life!


  10. Oh yes I did pat myself on the back! I’m also glad I’m a moron because no one wants to be like you!


  11. “I am one of the smartest people at my high school” HAHAHAHA! Who talks like this? Kill yourself and go suck John Lennon’s (baby) dick in hell. You want facts? Here’s a fact: Paul McCartney is a pedophile who has had unprotected sex with multiple children age 13-7. The world would be a better place without him or his shitty music.


  12. I tottally agree with you! The Beatles sucked!


  13. This has troll written all over it. I couldn’t care less about what you have to say about the Beatles, I don’t listen to them anyway. But, your first comment is completely out of proportion, the Beatles sold millions of units. This article probably hasn’t even surpassed 100 views.


  14. What first comment? Because I don’t think I ever argue that the The Beatles “didn’t” sell millions of units… Also, my parents were part troll.


  15. I’m not saying that was your initial argument. I’m just saying that when you wrote about this article being more popular than the beatles, that is a fallacious statement. Never the less, you seem like an intelligent being and you have your wits… So you’re part troll, what breed would you say you are? http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/18-types-of-internet-trolls


  16. I was speaking more along the lines of the Troll from “Ernest Scared Stupid”, an American classic that has ALSO surpassed everything The Beatles have ever done.


  17. In all seriousness the real Lennon was a piece of $hit. A horrible human being, it’s a stretch even calling him human. He was a wife beater, deserted his own child, and encouraged tens of millions of kids to do drugs. Can only wonder how many teens died because of his drug propaganda. Good riddance to bad rubbish, say I.

    Just be glad that he’s gone


  18. THANK YOU! Lennon was a piece of shit. The most overrated, over-credited dolt in the history of music. He couldn’t sing, he wasn’t a phenomenal composer, and he’s DEAD! Thank you Chapman.


  19. Mark David Chapman has terrible body odor! That’s the only reason he’’s in solitary. Forget this cheesy “hero”.. his whafts could kill a skunk at 10 paces! Probably the reason Lennon died!

    The full stinking details will be revealed in my forthcoming song “Mark David Chapman’s Body Odor”!


  20. Ya’ll just don’t get it. If Tavastock was not in play towards the end of the Beatles career, they would not be what they are today (that would be 2013). Dead people are more popular than Jesus because Popular people had more to say. I have not heard any past recordings of Jesus. Please tell me who wrote about Jesus? The Zionists?

    Humans have not seen any writings that Jesus has penned himself. John spoke about Peace, Love and helping your fellow human. As far as I have read, so did Jesus. I have never spoke about Peace. The only ones I Love are the humans that do as I tell them. Tavastock is the Big brother to MK Ultra.

    As much as some of you, and have the right to your own opinion, if the Beatles Sucked, they would not be listened to by the masses. Hell, G.W. Bush Sucked and the people still listened him. B.H. Obama Sucks and Ya’ll still listen to him. But for a bunch of guys writing music and their Music still being listened to 50 years later, there must be something the humans of this planet believed connected to.

    Who wrote the Bible?

    Sincerely,
    SATAN


  21. Hilarious article, and I totally agree..

    All the great American indigenous ‘folk-musics’ of the 40’s/50’s such as Rockabilly, greasy Rhythm & Blues, and instrumental rock ‘n’ roll were all killed off by those invading parasites. Lennon was one of the biggest self-serving hypocrites to ever walk this earth, and I blame him and McCartney for pushing the cause of pseudo-art in rock ‘n’ roll while removing all that was fun, spontaneous and genuinely ‘creative’ from it,
    …and for also providing the template for their asshole, entrepreneurial, multi-millionaire ‘rock god’ descendents of the 90’s . Lennon was a wife beating, child abusing piece of crap who got what was coming to him….

    He would’ve made an ‘ideal’ knight-of-the-realm too had he lived long enough. The perfect face for the British Empire.


  22. You’re all are pretty messed up, I’m not going to argue with you guys but umm…making a famous song is wrong? Being famous is wrong? Yeah, he hits his wife…so what? Every marrigae have ups and downs, nothing is perfect. What’s wrong with you guys? John lennon works for it and he get what he deserves, popularity. So why would you guys give a fuck when he’s famous? Plus, he influence people to become a ‘’stoner”? Do he has a lyrics which tells people to do drugs? I love bob marley and you have the rights to blame it on him, but NOT on john lennon. Plus, his lyrics have saved thousands probably millions of lives bcos i’m one of it and you don’t just listen to music but you need to understand em’. Once you’ve understand what it means, then, you’ll find the true peace of yourself. Stop being a hater, enjoy life because that’s what it’s all about says john lennon. Peace (Y) john lennon’s legacy will live forever and that’s a fact, the more you hate, the famous it gets. Haters motivate people :*


  23. that’s why you guys need to use some weeds, just to chill yourself and release your stress, bcos as what bob marley says ”when you smoke herbs, reveals the true you to yourself”. God gave this planet earth marijuana, so why wasting it? Take advantage of what god has given to us. Trust me weeds are wayy better than ‘’stones” :)


  24. FUCK YOU


  25. SUCK IT


  26. I have nothing against the Beatles, but John Lennon was a wife-beater, and for that alone he had it coming. God Bless Mark David Chapman!


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