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Missing the toilet: Fair or foul?

This entry was posted on Oct 01 2010

This post is serious. I just want to make that clear. What you are about to read actually happened to me. I also want to mention that this isn’t one of my famous “Joe Bash” articles that have become so popular, where I use truth and accurate facts to purposely paint Joe in a poor light. People have been asking me for more “Joe Bash” articles and believe me I am going to deliver. I’m working on an article where I retell the classic tale of Joe actually eating a piece of fresh bird shit that landed on the hood of his car. You are going to love it. But that is for another day. Like I said this is serious.

This isn't a Joe bash. I forgive him.

I’d like to give you a little bit of background before we begin. I am all about hygiene. Maybe too much. I hate EVERYTHING that goes on inside a bathroom. Except showering which cleanses my dirty body. I need at least two showers a day to feel clean. If I don’t get that I feel dirty and slick. I really do. I’m not a germaphobe but I really don’t like them. I keep myself and my apartment as clean as possible. It may be disorganized… but it’s clean. I hate smells and I loathe any type of fluid or excretion of the human body. I hate bodily functions and I don’t want to see them. Got an itch? Go fuck yourself. I don’t want to see you scratch scraping off dead skin. Got to sneeze? I’d rather watch you shoot yourself in the head then blow the contents of your disgusting nose into a tissue. Get the picture?

If it were up to me this is how people would kiss.

On Wednesday I was confronted with a very difficult situation that any one of us could one day find ourselves in.  I was hosting Joe in my (basement) apartment for our weekly production meeting. It was an average production meeting all in all and it went by very quickly. He ranted and raved to me about how much he hates his girlfriend and loves using her for sex as we planned our upcoming episode of Radio LIVE! Like I said all par for the course. It probably took an hour at most. After we finished he left and I had the rest of my night to myself. The problem was the rest of my night was ruined. About 10 minutes after he left I had to take a shit. Believe me I wasn’t happy about it. I hate shitting and I find the entire process disgusting and unbecoming of a gentleman, but unfortunately I haven’t found a way around it yet. I sit down on my toilet and disaster strikes. I immediately know something is wrong. Why are my socks wet? Why are the bottom of my jeans soaked? I look down and to my horror both my feet are sitting in a puddle of urine. There was no question that it was urine. It had a yellowish twinge to it and when I lifted up the socks and jeans to sniff and confirm my worst fear was proved correct. It was urine. ..

It for sure was not mine. The first thing I did was retrace my steps to confirm that it wasn’t me. I had just sat down on the toilet seat so I couldn’t have just done it. And I was very very sure that the last time I had peed (right before Joe arrived) and I hadn’t missed the toilet. The afflicted areas of tile were literally puddles of piss and they were right where my feet would were when I stand to pee. I would have been soaked the moment I missed and Joe didn’t mention anything when he went into the bathroom to pee. If there had been puddles of piss on the floor I’m sure he would have mentioned something because that I can assure you is not the norm for my bathroom. That left only one culprit. Joe. The guest in my home. There is no way that Joe would have done this on purpose. He missed the toilet. Christ.

There was so much urine on the floor. I don't think he got any in the toilet.

I was totally freaked out. My feet and lower ankle were soaked in Joe’s urine. Like a bear he had marked his territory. First of all it had to be a guy. Let’s just say for arguments sake someone snuck into my apartment while we were both still there and pee’d… I could narrow it down to a guy for sure because a woman doesn’t miss like that. At least from what I know. I really haven’t seen enough women peeing to prove otherwise (although I’ll soon have the video footage I need to begin my research once the toilet cam I ordered arrives. It’s a small webcam that attaches inside the toilet and points upward and has a flash so I can stream what everyone is doing in there over the internet!) It was very plausible that it was him also because he pee’s so fast. Almost too fast. He prides himself on peeing very fast. No joke he actually brags about how fast he can get in and out of the bathroom to pee especially in movie theaters. Normally I’m impressed because I find public restrooms disgusting and the less time spent in there the better. In his insatiable need for urinating speed I’m sure he is taking liberties with his aim. That’s why there are speed limits for driving. Because if you drive too fast you risk getting into an accident. Also Joe has a very nonchalant attitude toward bathroom activities. These things just don’t gross him out. He showers every couple of days. He and his girlfriend have bowel movements in front of each other… sometimes while the other one is brushing his or her teeth.  Whatever that’s their lifestyle choice to live life like they are being featured on Wild Discovery on The Discovery channel. So missing the toilet isn’t a big deal to him. Also

The worst part of this whole thing was that my other pair of jeans were in the wash and this was my only pair and I had to go out after this. With urine soaked jeans… I sprayed so much axe on them for the smell but I couldn’t stop thinking about the little Joe faced urine germs climbing up my leg and fermenting on the rest of my body.

When I am a guest in someone’s home and I use the bathroom I am always ultra conscious of the state I find the bathroom in and the state I leave the bathroom in. It must be left the way I found it otherwise I couldn’t live with myself. Now hey I’m a reasonable guy. I know that there will be urine spray. Some droplets will miss the toilet. Especially while you are shaking. Plus there are times when your urine will fork unexpectedly or you misjudge the stream spray… things happen. Peeing can be an adventure. That’s why it can be so much fun.  It’s inevitable that some pee will miss and I can live with that because I have to. But puddles of urine at the base of the toilet? That is not acceptable. It is the equivalent of a woman leaving some urine on the toilet seat…  If you miss and leave that much you have to be aware of it and clean it up. You just have to… especially in a foreign bathroom.

What would you do in this situation? Do you mention this to that person? Or do you pretend like it never happened? I didn’t say anything to him because I knew he would just end up reading this and this is a much easier way to tell him what happened. I’m not sure what I would have done if someone else I knew had done this. Joe is my best friend. That’s as easy as it could get. What if someone I didn’t know as well did this? What would I say? “Oh hey… You know you pissed all over my floor right?” How would that not be super super awkward? Is it just me? Would that be easier for you to confront someone about? Or is this missing the toilet at someone else’s house a more common thing than I think? This event has just left me scarred and very upset. I’m not mad at Joe because I know that he didn’t do it on purpose. I’m just very sad.

Usually I don't like bathroom frog/troll creatures, but this one seems very sensible.


5 Responses to “Missing the toilet: Fair or foul?”

  1. Listen…I did it on purpose.


  2. I think you’re over reacting Frank. Have I stepped in urine before, sure, was i barefoot, sure, did I have an open wound on my foot?, yes, but the point is Im not a little bitch, so I did what every man would do, dragged my foot on the nearest thing to me (whether it be those awesome shaggy carpets in the bathroom or a carpet) and carried on.


  3. The difference between you and me is that I find urine disgusting and you use it as salad dressing. You are sick Adam!


  4. Is that a fault or am I just resourceful?


  5. It’s clearly a fault…


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