A Joe Classic: “Only My Dreams Come True”

This entry was posted on Nov 12 2010

*In 2005, my composition teacher announced an assignment which would have us write an essay about something that happened in our lives that was of the utmost importance in shaping who we were as a person. Something we were passionate about. Most people chose to write about a family member or friend. My teacher encouraged me to write about my Grandmother’s passing, but I insisted I’d rather write about this candy bar I really liked. He questioned whether I could really write 500 words about a candy bar. So, I wrote 1410 words about a candy bar.*

“Sugar, corn syrup, partially hydrogenated palm kernal oil, nonfat milk, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, toasted soya pieces, diced peanuts, malted milk, wheat flour, milk, sodium bicarbonate, salt, chopped almonds, artificial coloring, sorbitan tristerate, egg whites, soya lecithin, hydrolyzed soy protein, artificial flavorings, cocoa butter, and mono and diglycerides.” Is your mouth watering yet? Mine sure is…as well as other things… When you mix all these seemingly ordinary ingredients together, you get something magical. You get something new and exciting. You get something you’ve desired for far too long: change. Your parents never loved you. Your friends will let you down. In fact, no one has ever even liked you. There is only one thing you can count on and when it was created, the angels rejoiced as the Devil was thrust back into Hell for another thousand years while it reigns supreme. The Zero Bar. It’s not simply the most delicious candy bar of all-time…it’s hope. It’s a small reminder that things are going to be alright. Listen to me rambling on and on, most of you are probably still clueless as to what’s going on here. Why don’t you grab a chair? Take a load off, you look tired. Let me tell the tale of the Zero Bar…

You wish you looked this good.

The day I discovered the Zero Bar was the happiest I’ve ever been and ever will be. The birth of my children will not even come close and every time their birthdays pass, I’ll remind them of their faults while enjoying a Zero Bar. It was an innocuous family trip to New Jersey! Who’d have thought destiny would rape me that day? We had just finished making idle small talk with my Aunt and Uncle and were headed home, but wanted to grab a snack or two for the road. We stopped into a WaWa, the magnificent New Jersey equivalent of a 7-11, to battle our demons. I’m not sure if most of you have ever been to a WaWa, but it’s the only thing New Jersey has on New York. It’s without a doubt better than 7-11. They have touch-screen machines to order freshly made sandwiches with! Need I say more?

I was merely twelve or so at the time, but bursting with adventure. I left my family to stroll the aisles of this new wonderland myself. I was an ambitious young lad who wanted everything from life, but still, I was completely unaware of the exciting new candy world I was about to enter. A mysterious silver wrapper caught my attention. I studied the candy before briefly before placing it in my Mother’s shopping basket without telling her. After she finished arguing with the cashier about the candy bar that somehow appeared on her bill, we left. She got that cashier fired. My family doesn’t fuck around.

I realize more Muslims work at 7-11's than the Spanish, but if I used the Urdu word for "what", you'd just think I couldn't spell...

Once in the car I devoured the candy bar and was immediately caught off guard by the overwhelming flavor and intense spiritual epiphany. “Great Scott”, I exclaimed. “This is quite possibly the greatest candy bar I’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying! Somebody let me out of this metal tomb where no Zero Bars exist!” As my Mother questioned my public schooling and my sister struggled to give me my shot that would “calm me down”, I couldn’t help but wonder whether I’d ever have another Zero Bar again. My eyelids became heavy as the “medicine” took over…

I awoke from my stupor with an itch. The itch for more Zero Bars! I wanted more. I NEEDED more. The hidden ingredient, it was surely nicotine! I wondered if they’d have to make patches to help people ween themselves off of Zero Bars if the candy ever became too popular. Society has a tendency to abuse a good thing and the Zero Bar would be no exception! Now, here is the sad part of the story. I spent the next few years trying to find that candy bar. They don’t sell it in New York. Only in the occasional WaWa… Maybe I dreamed it all? They weren’t in the King Kullens, nor the 7-11’s. Could they be illegal in New York for being too delicious? Would I have to solicit a dealer to feed my need? Would I ever get this monkey off my back? Would I someday be able to tame said monkey and teach him tricks? Would somebody explain to me what a metaphor is? Do any of you truly understand my dilemma? No, of course not. You people couldn’t comprehend this situation, you’re all too fucking stupid! Alright, I admit that last part was out of line, but I’m hurting! Maybe if you knew the history of the candy bar you would be more sympathetic…

I use hundred dollar bills to snort it. I'm just that fucking classy!


So, the Zero Bar is divine. Oh, you didn’t know? It was invented by accident in fact. And by who? Jesus Christ, that’s who! Now shut the fuck up and let me speak!

One day Jesus was hanging around his beach house in the Hamptons. God had stepped out to buy a carton of Cigarettes, so Jesus decided to seize the day and try out the new trampoline they had bought earlier. God had forbid Jesus to use it for fear he hurt himself, but JC plays by his own rules! Jesus was having a great time trampolining until he lost his balance and cracked his head on a rock. He stood up in a stupor, severely disoriented, and walked into the kitchen where he just started combining ingredients and cooking them up. Thus, the Zero Bar was born!

Jesus soon used Zero Bars to erase all the world’s problems, such as racism and disease. He went on tour with Bob Dylan to promote the candy bar, but dropped out within two weeks because of Dylan’s excessive drug use. Ending the tour early resulted in the Tienanmen Square Massacre. Jesus received a $50 fine, which was quickly appealed in court. Things went from bad, to mediocre, to worse. The Hershey Empire found a loop hole in Jesus’ crudely drawn up documents and patented the Zero Bar, taking all the credit and royalties. Jesus was infuriated, so he hired Johnny Cochran and Robert Shapiro to defend his case in the Supreme Court. The lawsuit was extremely messy, with a lot of mudslinging and fatalities. Unfortunately, Jesus let slip an Anti-semetic comment during the trial and lost everything. He was out millions and had to take out a second mortgage on his beach house after he sold his Ferrari. Some time passed before Nestle released a knockoff candy bar, but they played with the recipe… A leprosy epidemic was the result and the candy bar was taken off the shelves promptly two years later. Jesus gave up on the Zero Bar and returned to his first love, and opened a chain of IHOP’s, quickly becoming a multi-millionaire again.

It was astonishing how quickly all wildlife within 1000 miles were killed off. No regrets!


So, now that you understand the history of the Zero Bar, you can identity with me and my struggle.

Then one day (2005) I was walking with some friends to get pizza. They pizza place had a “Buy Two, Get One Free” special, I remember this vividly. The guy said my order cost $4.80. I gave him four bucks and was trying to get out the last dollar when he handed me back twenty cents. He thought I had given him five bucks! So, everything was going my way, ya know? This is off topic though… After the pizza we went over to Eckerd and I was stunned when I saw the Zero Bar in the candy section. Do my eyes deceive me? Was this a mirage? Was I robo-tripping? After asking my drug addict friend what robo-tripping was, it turns out I wasn’t. I looked around suspiciously before violently snatching up five of them. It was then I knew I would never shake this obsession…and I didn’t want to.

Webster’s dictionary define the Zero Bar as, “caramel, peanut and almond nougat covered in white fudge”, but Webster was a fucking idiot. The Zero Bar can not to be defined by simple words. No, it’s importance is far too vast to confine it to one definition. To quote Colin Powell, “Sometimes I tuck my penis between my legs, hold a Zero Bar to my crotch, and face-fuck my wife…and she loves it. Who wouldn’t?” The Zero Bar isn’t just a candy bar, it’s a way of life…but mostly it’s just a candy bar.

One Response to “A Joe Classic: “Only My Dreams Come True””

  1. you must have incredible mental capabilities; I only wish my parents could have sent me to the school that you went to. how the hell did you use so many words to describe a candy bar. my dad wishes you were his son. I think I’m going to buy 3 fore lokos and 5 zero bars and became a statistic.. see ya on the other side.

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