Go Loko or Go Fuck Yourself!

This entry was posted on Nov 19 2010

For those of you who lack friends or any sort of social life, Four Loko is a malt based, caffeinated, alcoholic energy drink. Sounds amazing, right? Don’t blow your load just yet, because it gets better. It comes in a 23.5 oz can and costs usually about $2.50. Joe, that sounds too good to be true. Well, it’s also about 12% alcohol by volume. That means this one can is the equivalent of about five beers and a cup of coffee. What, you want to get one right now? I kind of figured this would happen… No, no, I completely understand. Go on, you little scamp! Go Loko! I’ll be waiting for you when you get back.

This image should be on the American flag instead of all those meaningless stars!

Imagine if a can of Sparks had a violent orgasm in a field of chemical waste: that’s what a Four Loko is like. Four Loko comes in nine desirable flavors, including Citrus, Grape, Fruit Punch, Orange Blend, Watermelon, Blue Raspberry, Lemonade, Cranberry Lemonade, and Lemon Lime. I’ve only been lucky enough to try three of these flavors thus far because for some unknown reason the 7-11 around the corner finds it necessary to sell products other than Four Loko. It’s no way to run a business, but believe me, obtaining the rest of those flavors and drinking them as fast as possible is my top priority (just edging out  “furthering my career” and “paying my overdue bills”). Four Loko has been dubbed “blackout-in-a-can”, but I see it more as the rising sun during these dark times. We’re in a recession and everyone’s miserable. During times like these people like to unwind and drink, kick back and relax in a bar somewhere in town. I think most would assume the people in this state of mind would be middle-aged, but adults in their twenties aren’t feeling too good either. Someone like myself (23), who has chosen a difficult career path is constantly stressed about where I’m going with my life. Jobs are hard to come by, let alone being a Communication Arts major. We want to drink, too! The extremely depressing catch-22 is that we’re in a recession and want to drink at bars to feel better, but we can’t afford to drink at bars too often because we don’t have that much money, and we can’t make more money because we can’t get jobs during this recession! And just when we all began to question our faith in God and humanity, Four Loko became readily available.

Listen, Four Loko tastes like fucking shit. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever drank, but I think that’s half the fun. I’ve also been someone obsessed with novelty and gimmicks and when I was introduced to Four Loko I was immediately won over by the name. I had fallen in love with the wacky can and made a pledge to never sully it’s good name. You get together with some friends and drink this horrible tasting concoction and have a great time. You pre-game with a Four Loko in the parking lot and after one can you’re almost drunk. Then you head into the bar, maybe buy one or two drinks, and you’re gone (and ready to have a great time). Four Loko saves you money and time, two things we just don’t have enough of these days.

This guy is actually going a little too Loko, I wish he'd calm down...

Lately however, Four Loko has come under some fire and is now banned from being sold in Washington State, Utah, and Michigan. And now today, November 19, 2010, a day that will live in infamy, the Four Loko maker is halting distribution to New York. Today is truly the day the music died. And for what? – all because some dumb ass kids couldn’t keep their shit together? Anyone who gets alcohol poisoning (or dies) from Four Loko deserves it. In reality, all you have to do is simply not being a fucking idiot. The can has everything you need to know written ALL over  it. When someone told me about it, I didn’t just buy three and down them, because I’m not a fucking idiot. It’s twelve percent alcohol by volume, so if you can do basic math, you can say…

1) A twelve ounce can of beer is usually between four to six percent alcohol by volume. So, Four Loko has twice (maybe a little more) the alcohol by volume the average beer does. And unless you’re brain dead, you can see the can is also twice the size. Using simple elementary school methods (like addition, division, and multiplication), you can come to the realization that one can of Four Loko is about four to five beers.


2) If you are in fact a literate individual, you notice that written (full-length) across the can are words like “caffeine” and “guarana” and “taurine”. Words commonly associated with energy. I mean, you don’t need to be Sherlock Fucking Holmes to figure this shit out.

Another thing people are bitching about is how it’s marketed to college kids. Christ, who else would they be marketing this shit to? This isn’t exactly a Wall Street kind of drink. CEO’s aren’t pouring Four Loko into snifters and smelling them for age. “Ah, this is an excellent year. Circa…three weeks ago”, says the New York executive, celebrating his latest government bailout with the prime rib of malt liquor. Anything worth selling is marketed to college students. Who did you think Joe Camel was being aimed towards? Women with menopause? That’s why it’s brilliant that Four Loko has picked a “mascot” that appeals to our generation…

We're still waiting for the autopsy results, but my money is on natural causes.

Which brings us to the culmination of all my hate and anger. I read an article recently about one Courtney Spurry. Courtney is (was) a 21 year old girl (moron) who died last week in Maryland. Her friends told a local television station that is was all because of Four Loko. Let’s take a look at the evidence so I can further ridicule the deceased and her friends.

1) Courtney drank two cans of Four Loko.

- After my earlier math lesson, we know that two cans of Four Loko is the equivalent to around eight to ten beers, plus at least two cups of coffee. And I’m sure she didn’t take her time while drinking them, but that’s Four Loko’s fault, right? That some chick didn’t know what she was drinking (not that you exactly have to research this), nor did she care, and downed them like a class five whore?

2) Courtney’s friends claim that after drinking Four Loko, she “changed” and it made her “lose her mind”.

- After these statements I’m sure these scholars went out to write their thesis on the dangers of alcohol and the effects it may have on a person with an IQ identical to a dead horse. I mean, she was drinking, right? People tend to get a little wild, or so I’ve heard.

3) Abby Sherwood (friend of Courtney’s): “She was not the same person. She could not remember people’s names. She was passed out within 30 minutes of having the alcoholic beverage.”

- So…she was drunk? Are you kidding me? These are the normal characteristics of someone who is shitfaced. Oh, and if she passed out after thirty minutes, does that mean she drank both her Four Loko’s within a half hour? Yeah, ten beers in thirty minutes just might make you pass out and forget names, you worthless piece of shit! Did Abby think this information was ground-breaking? Was this everyone’s first night drinking? Shit, was it their first night alive? No one should be this stupid.

4) Courtney died after crashing her pickup truck into a telephone pole.

- So, she was drunk driving? And how’s that Four Loko’s fault again…? Oh right, I forgot that Four Loko is the only alcohol that makes you “lose your mind” enough to get behind the wheel of a car! I mean, give me a break. She didn’t even die of alcohol poisoning or anything? At least then you can make some sort of case, but this was just some young girl who got irresponsibly drunk and then broke the law and paid the price. This situation can and has (practically all the time) happened with almost EVERY type of alcohol on the market.

Four Loko DID NOT kill Courtney Spurry. She killed herself by being uninformed, drinking excessively, and driving drunk. She didn’t have to drink it and she didn’t have to drive. And why didn’t any of her “friends” stop her from getting in that truck? Is it at all possible that they’re pointing the finger at Four Loko so much to take the blame off themselves? Hey Abby, what were you doing when your friend passed out? Did you keep drinking and partying? Were you blowing some guy in the bathroom? How come you didn’t take care of her? Nah, you’re right: Four Loko is the root of all evil. No one’s ever done any of the things Courtney did that night. They’re all precedents. Maybe if Courtney’s shitty friends gave a damn they would have noticed her floundering, becoming dangerously drunk, and GETTING INTO HER CAR. Stop looking for a scapegoat to blame. And I’m sure all her fuckface friends were drinking Four Loko, too.

The common belief right now is that Four Loko is sending college kids to the emergency rooms by the truckload and half of them are leaving in body bags, but how many of these “victims” do you think only drank one can? I’ve enjoyed (tolerated) Four Loko on multiple occasions and never have I been even close to any sort of danger. No one is forcing these kids to drink Four Loko (let alone two or three), and news flash: drinking is dangerous. If these kids are too stupid to know their limits then let ‘em drink themselves to death. A few less assholes in an already over-populated world. Instead of banning Four Loko as a threatening product, we should be praising it for population control! We’re thinning out the herd. The intelligent people of the world will drink their Four Loko with their pinkies raised, perhaps smoking a fine cigar and wearing a blazer at the same time to complete the look, while everyone else who were supposed to be terminated during a miscarriage meets their maker. Just think of it as a form of Darwinism. Four Loko is weeding out the weak so there’s more room for winners!

Look on the brightside, business for surgeons in ER rooms across America is booming!

I had my last Four Loko two or three weeks ago. My friend Tyler and I drank them aggressively right before heading into the movie theatre to watch Bruce Willis kick some serious ass in RED. Going Loko before a Bruce Willis flick only enhanced the already extreme awesomeness Bruce had to offer, and guess what: I didn’t die. We both did piss in the nearly empty theater during the movie (in separate corners!), but that was only because we didn’t want to miss even a second of Bruce! Not because the Loko made us “lose our minds”. Everyone simply needs to experience (safely) the wonders that Four Loko has to offer. That’s why I propose a mandatory tasting of Four Loko for every American citizen (regardless of age). Then everyone can have a great time and will understand how to enjoy themselves responsibility. To be honest, I have no idea how anyone is even drinking more than one can to begin with, Seriously, these things taste like gasoline…

Four Loko isn’t the first alcohol to get college kids killed. I’m sure when Jager Bombs first became popular people were getting trashed on those and got themselves sick or killed, but we didn’t stop selling Jagermeister or Red Bull, did we? Four Loko’s good name is being dragged through the mud and I say nay! I need my three dollar drunkenness! If that means some will die, then so be it! I mean, as long as it’s not me or anyone I like, then who cares? Folks, hear my declaration! It’s entirely possible that the fat cat pussies are going to send our beloved Four Loko the way of the Gatorade Gum! Stop wasting your money stocking up on grains and pastas! The only holocaust worth fearing in the future is a sober one! Buy as much Four Loko as possible and hoard it away! The only deaths Four Loko will be responsible for are the ones who take their own lives when it’s gone.

2 Responses to “Go Loko or Go Fuck Yourself!”

  1. Simply remarkable!! Couldn’t have said it better. where’s the petition?

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