The Penis Chameleon!

This entry was posted on Nov 23 2010

Joe is a pathological liar. Believe nothing he says. For years he has been playing us all. Understand that when he tells you how big his penis is, he is making that number up. Every person that knows Joe has heard a different number and that’s just how he likes it. This story begins many many years back when Joe and I were in high school and I believe we were 15. We were hanging out and the subject of if we had measured our penises came up. Of course the answer was yes for both of us. In fact every man on the planet has measured his penis. That is just a fact. If anyone tells you they haven’t they are flat out lying. But I digress. Back to the story. Joe and I decided to trade penis information. I figured why not, I want know where I stand in comparison to the rest of the world and I’ve got nothing to hide. I went first. “7 inches” I said nervously. I was scared. What if Joe told me he was 1 foot long? What if he told me 16 inches? What if he laughed at me and said he had eaten subway sandwiches larger then my dick?! I was too young to compensate by purchasing many large hunting rifles or sports cars. I was in no man’s land. I could have been in trouble. My confidence and self worth would have been shattered. I anxiously waited a response as Joe seemed to process this information. He took a deep breath and said “5 and a half inches.” I was relieved. Calm washed over me because I knew I had to be at least near average size. I was a good friend that day. I’m sure no one wanted to be the person who was smaller. I told him it wasn’t a big deal and he didn’t seem bothered. The honesty was refreshing… or so I thought.

The issue hadn’t come up again for years. We were both in college and I think one of us had a read an article saying the average size for guy’s penises were 6 inches. We exchanged numbers again. Once again I went first because I had nothing to hide. I said “I’m a 7, dude.” Joe waited for a moment. Looked at me and tried to read me and then he finally said “6 and a half inches.” He told me that he had a growth spurt. I know he grew in terms of height because by now he was actually just a little taller than me but I was suspicious because I wasn’t sure if a person’s penis could grow as well. But I didn’t know otherwise so I took him for his word.

We were all victims of a pathological liar!

Then last year we were once again talking about penis size because one of us had read an article saying that the average size was 5 inches. Once again we exchanged numbers. I once again said 7 inches. And as I waited for his answer fully expecting he would tell me 6 and a half I saw his eyes darting around the room. He was sweating profusely and I said “come on spill it”  he awkwardly mumbled 7. Of course I was highly suspicious because he had apparently been feeding his dick miracle grow, but I didn’t say anything because you don’t question another man’s number unless you are ready for real trouble. I just dropped it.

Recently I was hanging out with my friend Kevin and he was telling about his last boyfriend and how his dick was only two inches long. The topic came up where we traded info and he ended up telling me that Joe told him that his penis was under 7 inches. I was infuriated. This was now 4 different numbers for 4 different situations and I knew that Joe was a liar. I felt betrayed because I gave him my true number every time. I had no idea whether I was big or small. In fact it was something I was worried about, but I was honest and never for a second thought about betraying my friend. I wasn’t going to just sit here and be lied to. I wanted answers and I knew that he was too much of a snake to ever give me the truth. So I wrote a detailed letter to Dateline NBC asking them to do a special on the issue. I recieved a response two weeks later telling me that unfortunately while my story was compelling it wasn’t enough of a national issue and that they were keeping the photo of my erect penis and ruler for their files. I was going to have to conduct my own investigation.

I went and I searched out Joe’s infamous ex-girlfriend “Big-Head” (she was nicknamed this because her head was enormous) because she would be the one who would be be candid enough (for some reason when Joe first introduced her to me as his new girlfriend she told me about the last 7 guys she had sex with. I hadn’t asked.)  to talk to me about this.

This is the Interview:

Frank: Hello, how have you been?

Big Head: Well 2 of the last 3 guy’s that I’ve slept with had crabs! Hows that for luck? And I now refuse to have sex with a condom anym…

Frank: Listen, lets just get right down to business.

Big Head: Okay, for you $50.

Frank: No… (sigh) I mean the interview.

Big Head: Yeah? Aren’t you interviewing me for sex?

Frank: No! Just shut up! I’m interviewing you about Joe.

Big Head: So I’m not getting paid? Because I’m willing to work for it.


Big Head: Ugh. Joe who? I’ve been with 5 Joe’s

Frank: I really can’t do this anymore.

Big Head: OHHH do you mean the one who resembled a lizard?

Frank: Yes! God damnit!

Big Head: I went out with him because he reminded me of my pet iguana I had when I was five.

Frank: Whatever. What did you think of his penis? How big was it?

Big Head:… Hmmm that’s a good question. I don’t think I ever really saw it.

Frank: But you were going out for weeks?

Big Head:Yea but it kind of just blended into the background.

Frank: Like a chameleon?

Big Head: Exactly.

There it is. I figured it out. Joe is a Penis Chameleon. Half man/Half lizard. It is a creature made up of pure evil that refuses to disclose the true size of his penis.

Joe has the bone structure and limb regreneration abilities of a lizard.

#1 Joe is actually part lizard. I have suspected this all along and many people have agreed. In high school his nickname was Balthazar the Terrible because he resembled a terrifying lizard. Every day at lunch he would crawl on all fours to all the tables and people would feed him flys. The lunch women actually sold bags of flys that you could feed to Joe if you wanted… and he was always hungry. One Friday after school the football team caught him in a big net and the star quarterback cut off one of his fingers to see if it would grow back. And it did.

#2 Joe’s (or Balthazar’s) penis actually blends into the background of it’s surroundings as a form of protection, so no one has ever seen his penis. Only Joe knows it’s actual size or even what it even looks like.

#3 Joe is lying to people and telling them what he thinks will play well. He is reading the person and the situation and he is choosing a size that he feels is going to be appropriate for the situation. He isn’t going too large and now he isn’t making the mistake of going too small. It is insulting to anyone who has every traded penis size with him because he can’t return the honesty. He is the Devil.

I am going to be sending my findings to the Smithsonian to request that they do further testing on him and that after the autopsy/dissection they release their official findings on the size of his penis to the world and give closure to all of his victims.

One day when there is a major motion picture called “Balthazar the Terrible” made about these events I want a producers credit.


** And no I have no good explanation for why we all talk about our dicks so much.

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