Guide to Qatar: Host of the 2022 World Cup

This entry was posted on Dec 03 2010

Right now American soccer fans (all four of them) are raging. How the hell could this little rat hole country named Qatar defeat the United States in it’s bid for the 2022 World Cup?! No one will ever know for sure but you can rest assured plenty of dick’s were sucked to make this happen. So now what? What do we know about Qatar besides the fact that it sucks? That’s what I’m here for.

Qatar included these pictures of what they expect their state of the art soccer stadiums to look like.

Important things to know about Qatar:

#1. What do they eat? That’s a very important question if you are going to go to the 2022 games.  Qatar’s number one food is dog. They import shelter and rescue dogs from America and turn them to incredible cuisine as only their highly trained chefs can. First these master chef’s chop off the head of the live dog, then they put the body on a large plate and it’s bon appetit. It’s eat with your hand’s at these do it yourself restaurants where a table of four can just reach and tear off any part of former pet he or she wants. On the menu you can either order a dog that used to be a pet and was kidnapped from a loving home (which is a bit pricier but well worth it. You can taste the love) or if you want a more gamey flavor you can go for a rescued dog (and that won’t brake the bank).

#2. What is their culture like? Ha! What culture?! Their number one selling album last year was Ace of Bace’s 1993 album, Happy Nation. This year’s summer blockbuster was a movie about a small child who gets violently raped by a pitbull and eventually falls in love with it and marries it anyway. The title of Qatar’s top rated TV show roughly translated in English is “Guess That Poop!” Lucky contestants are presented with a number of different types of poop and they have to guess what animal it came from and what the creature ate! All the TV commercials are for bottled water and whores. You are going to be glued to your TV sets trust me.

#3. There are no toilets in Qatar, they do the bathroom outside the box. Instead of the norm, you use luxury buckets. You pee and poop in only the most luxurious poop buckets made out of 24 karat gold. There are no bathrooms in Qatar either because they are all about ease and luxury. There is a pouch inside each bucket for your toiletries like your toothbrushes, combs, and razors.  So you just carry your poop bucket around town with you and you have a bathroom whenever you need it. Say you are out to dinner with your family and friends and are in the middle of telling the most entertaining story of your life (and you aren’t usually a great story teller either), but that raw beagle you just had is going right through you, making a trip to the bathroom is just going to break up your momentum. No problem. Just pull out your poop bucket and do your business right there and don’t miss a beat!

#4. What is the wildlife like in Qatar? Almost non-existent. There are very few creatures that will ruin your trip, so don’t worry about hearing birds singing like American Idol rejects, because if there are any, they are too dehydrated to make any noise. They have plenty of majestic and beautiful rats running around that just add to the scenery. You will probably have a rat or two visit you at night while you are sleeping in your hotel room too! And boy are they friendly! If they bite that means they like you. And if they draw blood that means they really like you, in fact they become so attached that if you try to remove them before they are done gorging themselves on your blood they might even get violent. However playful these rats may be, Qatar’s national animal will always be the Graboid. Yes I’m talking about the man eating worm monster from the movie Tremors starring Kevin Bacon. Great movie. That movie was actually shot in Qatar with live Graboids. Qatar is actually planning something spectacular by attempting to catch one alive (for the first time in history) during the games! Qatar officials hope that all the vibrations created in the ground by all the players running on the field will attract some live Graboids. If they come to the surface to feed on the players you can rest assured that Qatar official’s will be waiting with nets!

Qatar's national animal... It's no Bald Eagle.

#5. Qatar doesn’t have to spend much on security. It’s just too hot to hurt anyone else in that country. With temperatures averaging 110 degrees, it’s just too tiring to commit crime in Qatar. Most potential criminals would just rather hydrate. So you won’t have to worry about intrusive pat downs or bomb scares during the games. No one is afraid of bombs in Qatar. They see bombs as an escape from the heat. If one goes off… hey the afterlife has to be cooler than this right?! Qatar’s national motto is “Death is a sweet relief.”

#6. Where is Qatar? Not important.

Well that about sums up Qatar for you. Betting on the 2022 world cup is going to be a lot of fun because you will be able to bet the over/under on heat strokes during the game. Vegas is loving FIFA’s decision right now. Also rumor has it that the NHL is about to announce that next year’s 2012 Winter Classic is going to be held in Qatar’s outdoor Ice Hockey stadium. Get your poop buckets ready!

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