My Girlfriend Can Never Be Taken Seriously Again

This entry was posted on Dec 06 2010

In just one unbelievable night she managed to destroy all her credibility on just about any topic that could possibly come up. My girlfriend Alicia and I have been dating for about a year and seven months. Throughout this time we have both set world records for irrationality, but this latest situation takes the cake! In fact, what she said that night so defied reason and logic that I’m not sure our relationship will ever be the same again. I proposed her a simple question… “Who do you think is better looking? Aaron Eckhart or Thomas Jane?” The thing that disturbed me the most was that she didn’t seem to miss a beat. “Oh, Thomas Jane, for sure”, she said. “He’s the kind of man that’ll go down on you until the job is done, you know what I mean?”

I didn’t know what she meant. I don’t think I could have known what she meant any less. My world was falling apart. I didn’t know what I was more upset about…the fact that my girlfriend was clearly thinking about Thomas Jane when we were having sex when she should be thinking about Aaron Eckhart, or that I simply could never trust her again? Like any good boyfriend, I immediately took her to the optometrist. I figured she had cataracts or something, ya know? How else could you explain this baffling turn of events? To my disappointment she didn’t have cataracts. She didn’t have anything that could have been temporarily damaging her eyesight! The optometrist attempted to console me… “Listen, maybe she just thinks that guy’s better looking. What’s the big deal?” I looked away in disgust. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”, I asked him. “You’re just some fucking optometrist.” As I stormed out of the eye doctor’s office, knocking down as many glasses displays as I could without breaking my stride, I could hear the two of them gushing over Thomas Jane’s performance in The Sweetest Thing.

I mean, let's be honest...who else would they be thinking about? Each other? (scoffs)...

This whole argument could have been avoided. In fact, I could have lived out the rest of my days not knowing that my girlfriend had no taste, but Alicia had control of the remote that night (for reasons I still can’t fathom) and she wanted to watch Molly.

Molly is a 1999 film starring Elisabeth Shue as an autistic woman who can barely talk. The institution that cares for her shuts down and now Aaron Eckhart (her brother) has to take care of her. He signs off on this experimental surgery that turns her into a genius, but she eventually starts to digress. Thomas Jane is some orderly or something that semi-falls in love with her and probably wants to bang her, knowing damn well that she’s autistic. What a sick bastard, right? I don’t know what Alicia sees in him. Regardless, the one thing I couldn’t get past is how they could possibly cast both Aaron Eckhart and Thomas Jane in this movie. They are borderline identical. I’m almost certain one of them was a product of Hollywood cloning. Several times throughout the movie I actually got the two of them mixed up because they would wear similar hair styles and hats. It was really awkward for me when Thomas Jane and Elisabeth Shue kiss, because at the time I thought it was Aaron! I didn’t know how to react while watching this brother and sister uncomfortably make out. Alicia then informed me of my mistake, which I then informed her was a mistake on her part. I’m never to be corrected. Shortly after this Alicia broke my heart and said Thomas Jane was better looking that Aaron Eckhart.

If Hollywood clones actors, Aaron Eckhart was definitely the original.

The best looking actors get the best parts. FACT. So, let’s invest our time in an IMDB breakdown.

AARON ECKHART - Nick Naylor (Thank You For Smoking) and Harvey Dent (The Dark Knight) – I’m not usually blown away by acting, but these two performances were two of the best I’ve ever seen. If you can continue to smoke after watching Aaron spit in William H. Macy’s sagging face during that Congressional hearing, then you need to have both your knees broken and be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of your life.

THOMAS JANE - Frank Castle (The Punisher) and Mickey Mantle (61*) – Alright, even I have to admit that Thomas Jane kicked an absurd amount of ass in The Punisher and actually portrayed a pretty compelling Mantle, but better than Aaron? I don’t know, maybe if he had banged (graphically) Rebecca Romijn in The Punisher (which I don’t believe he did), this would be a different story…

This was his moment and he blew it! I wouldn't have blown it! If I was in this situation, Rebecca would have blown it. Get it?

After breathing into a paper bag for several minutes I struggled to make eye contact with the girl I was in love with. I explained to her that despite their similarities you could always tell the difference because Aaron Eckhart is way more debonair and striking. Those piercing eyes can look right through you and make your loins quiver. “Eckhart couldn’t quiver my loins even if they were already on the verge of quivering. Like bursting at the seams ready to quiver. He’d have to put on a Thomas Jane mask and recite lines from Deep Blue Sea just to get me to look up from my magazine.”

That’s when I threw up.

All over my floor. I’m still not sure what caused it. Whether it was the overall defiance of my opinion (and what should have been her opinion) or the ludicrous explanation of how undesirable she felt Aaron Eckhart was; I felt sick. I mean, just to keep up with the amount of women the handsome Aaron Eckhart gets, Thomas Jane had to beg HBO to create a show where he could play a gigolo! It’s not even sad, it’s pathetic.

I had only one option left and that was to poll everyone in my office and ask them who they thought the better looking man was. The people I work with range from eccentric to mundane, from ordinary to clinically insane. And the results are in…


8                                 12

And the winner is…

Aaron Eckhart!

Of course Aaron Eckhart wins! Let’s face it, my opinion is really the only one that counts. This is still a sad day however, because it means that the majority of people in this world have bad taste. Now, I have nothing against Thomas Jane. I loved The Punisher, but the smooth, sophisticated, intellectual that is Aaron Eckhart will always trump the brutish, rugged, leviathan that is Thomas Jane. Aaron is the kind of guy that will take you out to the expensive restaurant you always wanted to go to, but were never able to get the elusive reservation. Then when you guys got back to his loft in New York City he cracks open a bottle of fine chardonnay and delights you with his wit. Later that night he makes love to you on the bear skin rug in front of the roaring fire. Thomas Jane though? I’d be surprised if he even knew how to read. Don’t get me wrong, from a woman’s perspective…I see the appeal. Thomas is the kind of guy that rides up on his motorcycle and fucks you on the ground in the woods without a condom. Is it exciting? Is it spontaneous and risky? Yeah, of course, but there’s no future with a guy like that. Thomas Jane will have you living in a trailer in no time as the little money he made from The Mist dries up faster than a coma patient’s snatch.

Listen, I’m not gay. I’m just comfortable enough with my sexuality that I can admit when another man is attractive, but mostly I just can’t live in a world where my girlfriend’s opinion differs from my own. In fact, this goes for everyone! When I make a declaration, all your ears better perk up! ‘Cause you best believe it’s damn important! Thank you for smoking, Aaron Eckhart. For being smoking hot!

4 Responses to “My Girlfriend Can Never Be Taken Seriously Again”

  1. I laughed so hard reading this post and still am not sure if you were serious or not but I agree with you on everything apart that your girlfriend should share your opinion in everyting. :D

  2. Why thank you, Joanna! Positive feedback like yours is definitely a rarity in my line of work and I appreciate it! You clearly have good taste if you can see that Aaron Eckhart is the superior specimen. My girlfriend drinks a lot, and sometimes has trouble keeping her incorrect thoughts to herself. Tom Jane even wrote me a letter once, congratulating me on taking him down a peg. Even HE knows Aaron is better looking!

  3. Hilarious! And yes, they do clone actors in Hollywood. Nicolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister in GoT) is the latest addition to this particular set ;)

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