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Ryan’s Goodbye Note

This entry was posted on Dec 13 2010

**On the 12/13/10 episode of Radio LIVE!, Joe and Frank shared a riveting commentary on Elizabeth Edwards’ recent passing due to cancer and her decision to write a goodbye letter and p0st it as a note on Facebook. They decided that Ryan, the third mic for the evening would either not make it to the end of the show and/or die within the next few days due to “natural causes”. This is Ryan’s goodbye note that he read live on the show.**

Dear Friends and Family,

I am writing this on Facebook because I’m not sure I could face you all in person. I’m sure I would make you all uncomfortable with the amount of tears that would flood from my eyes. I’m known for my weakness and that’s why I’m losing my battle to (cancer and/or heart disease and/or raped to death). I don’t have much time left. There are a few things I need to say…

It’s funny, ya know? How you never truly appreciate the little things in life. Like the stray dogs that would gather around my porch and have group sex. I used to think it was disgusting and vile, but now I realize how beautiful it really was. I should have cherished moments like that. Instead, I took pictures and put them up on my other website that featured bizarre bestiality, some of which I appeared in myself. There are feelings I simply can no longer repress. Yes, I’ve made out with another man, and yes, it was my father. Did I enjoy it? Of course, but at the time I was always terrified when he entered my room late at night. I wish I had understood my anatomy like I do today. It’s those memories that I cling to now with my last few breaths…

I’d like to apologize to my girlfriend, Liz. I always said I would support and love you, but here I am…about to die…and I’ve accomplished nothing in my life. You always said to me “become successful” and “convert to Christianity”, and I never listened. I don’t know what I burn more for…my faith, or letting you down so greatly. I’d also like to thank you for faking countless orgasms when we were together. I couldn’t even satisfy a midget with Rapid Orgasm Syndrome with this pathetic excuse for a penis, but you always made me feel like Goliath. You always acted like a wrecked that thang. I think deep down…I knew I couldn’t have caused that earthquake when we made love in San Francisco. Thanks for the amazing performances. You should be in films.

As my strength begins to dwindle away, I can take solace in the fact I never re-produced. I could only imagine the detriment to society any offspring of mine would have wreaked. I want everyone to know, friends and family, that Joe and Frank are my best friends and sole beneficiaries, and I’m sorry I never lived up to their expectations as a human being. One last thing…I was the one who kidnapped Elisabeth Smart. I was really bored one afternoon, my bad guys.

Sincerely, Ryan

RIP: Ryan "Huge Sack" Morrison / 1986 - 2010 (raped to death)

Ryan is survived by his now ex-girlfriend Liz. It was reported that she formally broke up with him at the funeral (that she arrived to late) and was quoted saying, “If it’s even possible, I think I had negative orgasms while we were together”. We’re told she’s begun dating again.

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