Sony is a mess! A preview of 2011 Sony Products!

This entry was posted on Dec 27 2010

Oh boy… the Sony Dash? Really? Come on. For those of you that somehow don’t own one of these yet it’s a “personal internet viewer” and here is the description from BestBuy “Keep all of the convenience of the Internet at your fingertips with this personal Internet viewer that allows you to receive weather, traffic and social networking updates.” … You mean a cell phone? The commercial I saw on TV had the entire family at breakfast gathering around the Dash in the kitchen and staring in amazement as it… gave them the weather. THE FATHER WAS READING THE NEWSPAPER. You have the newspaper in your hands you jerk. READ IT! The Dash wasn’t even necessary in it’s own commercial! If you are the type of person that needs internet access away from the computer or laptop you already have a smartphone and you don’t need this. I saw in the reviews that some people were saying that they thought it was a cool alarm clock. Do you really need Facebook access or a sports ticker from your alarm clock? And at the price of $200? Stop thinking. The answer is no.

If you don't feel like using your computer, reading the newspaper, picking up your phone, or opening your laptop then the Sony Dash is perfect for you!

I emailed Sony’s CEO Howard Stringer and told him my feelings on that abortion of a product and told him to get his act together. He replied:

“Dear Frank,

Thanks for your email, we appreciate your thoughts and concerns on the Sony Dash. You are a sexy man. Thanks for the nude pics we are blowing them up and hanging them up in the office. At Sony we strive to create the most innovative products known to man, but lately we’ve slipped a little. We’ve been having a lot of office celebrations lately and there’s been a lot of alcohol leading to a lot of bad decisions. Our R&D labs have basically been used as a brothel these last couple of months. There have been countless orgies taking place in there and there are some pretty nasty STD’s making the rounds through the office. In fact we’ve had to scrap three new TV prototypes because they’ve been soaked  through with semen and delicious delicious vaginal fluid. Boy did we really have a blow out last night. Two executives got ruffied and we passed them around the office for some awesome coma rape. And just between you and me I killed my secretary last night. We were freebasing heroin and playing with my crossbow in my office and she was about to finish off my H and I meant to say “hey Connie stop! Save some for me you fucking slut” but instead I shot her through the chest with an arrow. I’m freaking out man. I don’t know how to get rid of a body. How would I even get it out of the office? I’m considering burning it in my office… actually… again this is off the record. But I’m thinking of burning this entire fucking building down with everyone inside. These people are animals. Jeff from accounting sacrificed a virgin to some beast named Beelzebub right outside his office last week. He’s trying to open up a direct gate to hell… I think he’s close. The office is starting to smell like sulfur.  Hey Frank? I’m a little bit overwhelmed right now. We probably aren’t focusing on our products as much as we should.  Anyway thanks for your constructive criticism, if I don’t burn myself and everyone in the building alive later this week we will be sure to put it to good use. Bye. Smooches.

– Howard Stringer”

The response was not surprising at all. If you are wondering how Sony has managed to stay on top for so long with management like that, the answer is pretty simple. They have Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning in their commercials. But hey Howard is a nice guy(we’ve all accidentally killed our secretary and considered burning all our co-workers alive… we’ve all been there) and he was kind enough to share a few of their upcoming 2011 products and their descriptions.

1) The E-Spoon

Now I can eat my cereal and solicit a prostitute on criagslist at the same time!

You’re a busy person. You don’t have time to not be multi-tasking! Now with the new 2011 E-Spoon you can update your fantasy teams while you eat cereal. Smartphones are so 2010. In 2011 you need a smartspoon. Want the weather? Fuck the paper, the computer, TV, radio, cell phone, or looking outside. Get it from a spoon!  The E-Spoon also serves as an E-reader. Read your favorite books, magazines, and blogs right on your spoon!

2) The SmartDildo

Now your clitoris can have it's own Facebook page!

Ladies pleasuring yourself was never this pleasurable! The SmartDildo has 3 speeds and a 10 megapixel camera at the end! Now you can post up close and personal pictures of the inside of your cooch to facebook instantly! How’s that for a status update motherfucker! It also has powerful speakers and a sub-wuffer so you will finally know what Pandora radio sounds like coming from deep inside your vagina! And Men! This is a real life saver for you too! You’re too busy to fuck your girlfriend! But with the SmartDildo you can be there… with out really being there! You can stick this in her, shut her the fuck up, and trade stocks all at once! It’s also a 3g phone so you never have to miss another important business call because the bitch wants intimate time.

Wow now those are useful and modern products! I have a feeling Howard and Sony are going to be just fine after all. Unless Howard decides to burn himself and his co-workers alive or Jeff from Accounting finally opens that gate to hell. Then it won’t be fine.

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