This entry was posted on Dec 17 2010

If you’re reading this sentence right now, you already know too much. If you try to close your browser, your computer WILL self-destruct. I imagine that when you read my articles you hear my sensual voice in your head, and if this is true, imagine that I’m whispering, immediately. They might hear us. No, not the machines… The Phils! Do you have any idea the kind of danger you’re in? That we’re ALL in? So many people are still hopelessly in the dark, but I know the truth. You could call me a modern day John Connor. Also, a modern day Martin Luther King Jr. (because I’m freeing you of your mental segregation). You see, your brain is divided into halves: half rational, half enlightened. Now, the “rational” side (ironically named considering the Phils have surely planted computer chips in our minds to make us think these choices we’re making are rational, but are really they’re decisions) is keeping the enlightened side from reaching it’s potential. The brain stem is labeled “rational only”, and there are separate bathrooms and water fountains, too. Don’t fret, because your pal (and revolutionary) Joe is here to enlighten you to what’s happening around us.

Shhh! Shut the fuck up! The dream is real, don’t you understand? Every movie you’ve ever seen (Inception, The Matrix, Vanilla Sky), they’re all true. The most horrifying thing is that I became aware of what’s happening to all of us by accident. About a year ago I started working at an internet radio station in New York City. There, I met Phil. He was an average enough guy. Slightly awkward, but in a quirky way. Pretty nice dude, or so I thought (cue ominous music). About a week later it dawned on me that Phil had an eerie resemblance to my friend Phil from college. Extremely eerie. And it became even eerier when I discovered Phil (from the radio station) was born on Lake Eerie. His mother birthed him while riding a paddle boat amidst the mass of water. Seriously, if you aged my friend Phil from college about twenty years he’d look exactly like my co-worker Phil! See for yourself!

Future Phil (left) and Present Day Phil (right)...

You shit yourself, didn’t you? No, don’t be embarrassed. The same thing happened to me. Since making this realization I haven’t gone a day without wearing my Depends. There is just something about having your eyes opened to the truth that shocks you and releases your bowels. The same thing happened when I found out the Wendy’s Baconator couldn’t actually sense my fear. You never truly recover from the lies either. I know I sound confident and beautiful right now, but I wasn’t always like this. In fact, I desperately wanted things to go back the way they were. I wanted to continue living in blissful ignorance. I told myself, “sometimes people just look alike”. It seemed reasonable enough, but the signs were piling up like Lindsey Lohan’s subpoenas! My Phil is currently getting his graduate degree in graphic design and Future Phil is the radio station’s webmaster! My Phil is extremely invested in video games. ALL OF THEM. And when I asked Future Phil what video games he was into, he became very quiet. Suspiciously quiet. “I don’t play video games. Any of them”, Future Phil said. “Really?”, I inquired, but Future Phil seemed angry with my insistence and stormed out of the room. What was he running from? It led me to believe that somewhere throughout time my Phil will be let down by his video games. They will betray him in someway that will forever alter the way he sees them. Whether it ends up being his overused Halo: Reach disk becoming too scratched to play or World of Warcraft suddenly raising their online price to make ends meet during the recession, Phil obviously never forgives his virtual haven.

Keep your fucking voice down! Are you trying to get us killed? After proving without a shadow of a doubt that my co-worker is my friend Phil from the future, I decided I needed to find out why, but I had to be coy. I couldn’t just walk right up to Phil, slap him in the face, and tell him I know everything! If I ever confronted a situation like this my head might explode! Not to mention Future Phil might flat out tear my heart out of my chest and shove it up my ass! That’s the go to move in the future. No, I had to do my research covertly. I needed to find out what he was up to…before it’s too late…

Those are not just his "going out" clothes, ladies. That's time travelin' attire!


Theory #1:

Phil has always had an unhealthy obsession with Taylor Swift. Whether it was sending her naked pictures of himself or telling me what funny words he would say when he climaxed while having sex with her, it was always uncomfortable and wrong. He would go on long, drunken rants where he described how the guy in Swift’s song “You Belong With Me” had to be about him. “I’m telling you, man! I’ve also got a smile that could light up this whole town!”, Phil screamed at the top of his lungs while throwing punches in every direction. We all did everything we could think of. We told him he wasn’t attractive or rich enough to end up with her. We told him that she probably bangs guys all the time who have huge cocks. Nothing would calm him down!

Is it possible that Phil came back to the year 2010 to seduce Taylor Swift now that he was more mature and manly? Perhaps… The Phil I know from college on the other hand was never that confident. He talked a big game and carried Swift’s picture around in his wallet, but he never made any kind of move. No, Phil prefers a comfort zone. Which leads me to my next theory…

She's lanky and awkward looking...what do you see in her, Phil?

Theory #2:

Phil has come back from the future with more computer knowledge than ever and will try to take over the world. I recently watched Live Free or Die Hard starring the phenomenal Bruce Willis and in this film cyber terrorists attempt a “fire sale” attack where they take complete control of the nation’s computer controlled infrastructure. Now, Phil (neither of them) possess the charisma that Timothy Olyphant had in that movie, but he does have the drive to destroy the world out of spite. I can’t go into too may specifics about this theory because I don’t know dick about computers, but it probably ends with Bruce Willis shooting Phil in the face.

Theory #3:

The last and most rational of all my theories: Phil has come back from the future to bang me. I know, I’m not happy about it, but when Phil and I attended college at NYIT there was always some sexual tension (never on my part). Phil always laughed hardest at my jokes and a few times I intentionally told some awful ones to see what he would do. He laughed harder than ever. “Hey Phil, you know what the best part about wearing a visor in the winter is?”, I asked him. He literally was on the edge of his seat. I’m not sure how he didn’t fall off. “I don’t have to pay to have my tips frosted!”, I exclaimed. I swear to my father, Phil fell off his chair onto the floor and held his sides in uncontrollable laughter for almost twenty minutes. Now, is that joke hilarious? Of course, but I’m not sure if it deserved that much of a robust reaction. I’d catch Phil staring at me in our film classes and sketching pictures of us at our civil union in his notebook. I shot him down several times when he proposed these elaborate romps through grassy fields and abandoned cabins. I thought we were past this…

Now he’s back. I think in his mind he imagines that he’s older and stronger and perhaps he could force some kind of immoral love upon me. I’m not going to bite my tongue on this one, the thought that Phil has traveled back in time to rape me for rejecting him in college is terrifying. I’ve begun wearing this medieval chastity belt that I bought on ebay at all times. I’ve concocted my own special self-defense spray called “Phil-Off”. It’s a crafty combination of Raid, ammonia, and Sprite. Phil HATES Sprite. His mother once ordered him a Sprite when they were at Applebees and he didn’t talk to her again for three years. And just like how John Connor had to fight off the T-1000’s sexual advances, now I have to do the same with Phil…


I’ve come up with so many theories that you could put them on a bagel and have theories anytime! Could Phil have come back to our time because he was running from something? It’s very possible, but I think the more logical idea is that he wants something. I mean, I guy managed to travel through time, he’s got to be up to something. No one has ever traveled through time for anything less than greed. Marty McFly (Back To The Future) travels back in time to not get gunned down by some Libyan terrorists. Dr. Alexander Hartdegan (The Time Machine; 2002) travels back in time to save the life of his beloved wife. Both extremely selfish, greed motivated things to do. Phil, he’s different. He’s bitter and angry and wants to take us all down with him. He’s back from the future to eliminate life as we know it. If you’ve seen any of the Terminator movies, you know how this will end. Actually, that series is somehow still going on. Seriously, get to the fucking machine-human war already, right? Anyway, Phil is probably going to create something called the “Philosphere”. Within this Philosphere, Phil (an ageless entity at this point) will sit in one of those deluxe gamer chairs where he will play the world as a video game. We will be his avatars. His pawns. His sexual bags of flesh. He will beat us and fuck us until we’re all dead. We need to do something. All those parts of the brain we never use, he does! The parts that know about computers and math and other trivial bullshit. Phil never wasted his time drinking delicious Grolsch and having the time of our lives! He didn’t succumb to the pressure his parents put on him to find a girlfriend and live a normal life. Instead, he plotted! Bided his time until the right moment came around. Then he came back to the year 2010 pent up with an unholy amount of sexual frustration and angst, ready to make us beg for our lives in some bizarre crossbreed of Grand Theft Auto and Left For Dead. People who said Hitler was evil incarnate…never met my friend Phil. He loves graphic anime porn and doesn’t own a car. He hates Jose Reyes, but has no real reason why. He’s the world’s perfect enemy. He’s sick and tired of us being alive and he’s got all the time in the world. Phil has come back from the future with a bionic dick that makes it possible to get men pregnant. Watch your back!

I mean, the guy already hangs out with robots...

Post a Comment