Ben “Never Convicted” Roethlisberger

This entry was posted on Jan 26 2011

Is Ben Roethlisberger America’s sweetheart? Oh, God no. Is he tough as nails? Well, how would you describe a man who crashed his motorcycle while not wearing a helmet and only suffered multiple facial fractures, putting his career in jeopardy? How would you describe a man who’s been accused of sexual assault, but never convicted? I’ll tell you how to describe this man: clutch. Ben may in fact be the most clutch individual to ever roam this great planet. A normal man would have died in that motorcycle accident. Mere mortals would have gone to prison for most of their lives after the FIRST rape charge. Not Big Ben. Is Ben Roethlisberger a great quarterback? I don’t think even he believes that, but he’s certainly good enough. He’s been blessed with an amazing team for most of his career and knows how to win. The man makes those clutch plays that win games. He’s solid in that position and wills his team to victories. At six foot, five inches and 241 pounds, Ben rolls out of the pocket time after time avoiding defenders, throwing passes while running, and diving for crucial first down yardage. He knows how to win and make minimal mistakes. More important than all of this however, is one thing… he ended the Jets season, and for this, I thank him.

Do you really think a man THIS sexy has to rape anyone? Women line up around the block, frothing at the loins, for the chance at that cock!

Peyton Manning, arguably one of the coolest players in the NFL, couldn’t beat this lucky group of scumbags. Tom Brady, a player I despise and resent more than anyone else in the league, could not do the one thing I’ve ever asked of him…  beat the Jets. Ben Roethlisberger on the other hand? A walk in the park. I’ve hated the New York Jets all season consistently and effectively. The only thing I hated this year more than the New York Jets were Jets fans. The most obnoxious, undeserving pieces of human garbage I’ve ever seen. These loudmouth fans would ramble on and on about how dominant this team was no matter how many terrible penalties were called resulting in Jets wins. No matter how games the Jets barely won in overtime or with last second field goals (most that almost missed). No matter how fat their pig of a coach would get. I mean, you guys know you barely made the playoffs this year and last, right? You realize that had Taj Smith’s (Colts WR) mother aborted him, he would have never had the chance to rough the punter and more or less hand the Jets that win, right? If the Jets had simply responded to these claims with “I don’t have time to argue semantics with you”, I would have accepted the statement and returned to my lair. The only problem was that 95% of Jets fans have yet to harness the power of the English language. They’re still working on this bizarre and absurd system of grunts and public defecation. Impractical, yes, but it seems to make them happy and the public defecation usually incites the public breeding. So, at least we have a whole new generation of illiterate, illegitimate neanderthal Jet fans to look forward to, right?

And thus ends this unholy campaign for undeserved glory. There’s many people within the Jets organization that can take the blame for my bitter hatred. Let’s talk about some of these pieces of shit, shall we?

Rex Ryan: The Head Coach of the New York Jets

Is he the fattest and most obnoxious man in the world? Very possible. Is he unpleasant to all five senses on a regular basis? Well, he is known for consistency. When he comes over to your house for dinner, does he ask for thirds before anyone else has had seconds and then wreck your bathroom to the point where you need to hire a private contractor to replace everything within the room as soon as the next day? This has actually happened on several occasions without remorse. This whale of a “man” made headlines this year when he and his promiscuous (sounds better than whore) wife were allegedly discovered to be members of a swingers website and have produced several foot fetish videos. Now, if either one of these people were good looking I’d have no problem, but since they’re hideous, keep that shit behind closed doors! When Ben and the Steeler crew finally vanquished this fat fuck the only thing that could have made it sweeter would have been seeing (in HD) Rex Ryan clutching his heart on the sideline and falling to the ground, cursing God’s name before withering away. I’d like to imagine that no one on the field would come to his aid and that a group of janitors would have to team up to toss the body in the dumpster after everyone had cleared out of Heinz Field.

Rex Ryan Headset Toss

**Really enjoy the look of misery on his face at the end**

Edwards: Wide Receiver of the New York Jets

This is the guy that was arrested for driving while intoxicated this season. Police pulled him over because his SUV has excessive window tinting, but when they stopped him they smelled alcohol on his breath. The breathalyzer tested .16, twice the legal limit. I really enjoyed Braylon’s logic though, as he was quoted, “Why was I stopped for tints when my driving didn’t lead you to believe I was drunk driving?”. Is he a fucking idiot? Am I missing something? Excessive tinting warrants a ticket, that’s why you were pulled over. Also, what the hell does it matter because you WERE drunk. Excessive tinting is illegal. So, is drunk driving. What’s alluding you here, Braylon? The thing that bothers me the most is that as a professional athlete you’re always being watched, let alone being an athlete in New York! Plus dude, you’re rich, call a cab you asshole!

Judge: "Wow, what a beard! Case dismissed! Go Jets!"

Antonio Cromartie: Cornerback of the New York Jets

This is the piece of shit who was just screaming about how much he thought Tom Brady was an asshole. Shut the fuck up, no one even knows who you are! In case anyone is wondering, when the Jets first traded for Cromartie they had to give him a $500,000 advance so he could pay a few paternity suits. Cromartie, and these numbers are approximates, has fathered seven children with six different women in five different states. That’s a lot of kids who are going to grow up without a father, but Ben is the sexual deviant, huh? Condoms aren’t terribly expensive, and even pulling out could have probably canceled out at least three to four of those kids, but that’s not Cromartie’s style. He’d rather bring unwanted life into this world and hope for the best. And of course a guy like this isn’t going to spring for any fancy abortions!

The Antonio Cromartie Orphanage

Darrelle Revis: Cornerback of the New York Jets

Oh, and don’t get me started on this asshole. He has one good year and it’s straight to a contract holdout. Then again, that’s the NFL these days, right? Most of these players have proved nothing to suggest they deserve big contracts, but that doesn’t stop them from skipping training camps! Oh, and “Revis Island” may go down as one of my most hated nicknames of all-time. How many times did I have to hear that this season? Too many times, that’s how many! Even before the season Jets fans were claiming that the re-signing of Revis would directly lead to a Super Bowl. Why? The guy had a “pretty good” season. It wasn’t spectacular. Jets fans were painting this guy out to be the reincarnation of Deion Sanders and then when he didn’t live up to last season it was because he hurt his hamstring. He miss too many games though… I wish more QB’s this season would have challenged him, but New York managed to really get the hype up on Revis and convince rival teams that he was better than he was. If Brett Favre could have done anything to have made his last year better, it would have been throwing a pass through Revis during their one meeting this year, killing him. And I’m not just saying that because I was at the Jets-Vikes game this year and seeing Revis’ blood splattered across the grass would have turned me on.

No, you don't.

That’s just a glimpse of the immorality that the Jets team is. We didn’t want to talk about any of this in too great of detail this year, did we? We swept most of it under the rug pretty quickly. Edwards played his first game after that DWI. Why not? Maybe if he had killed someone Rex Ryan would have benched him for the first quarter. And maybe if he would have run over a dog he’d have gone to prison for a year and a half? With all these tainted players, all you hear in the aftermath is, “I can’t believe a rapist gets to play in the Super Bowl”. Let’s for a minute be somewhat rational. Did Ben Roethlisberger force himself upon those two women? We have no idea, but he wasn’t convicted. Let’s be realistic, when a professional athlete (or anyone famous for that matter) hooks up with some chick, it’s very easy for that woman to claim rape and try and get some money out of it. Remember when that woman claimed Kobe Bryant raped her? Yeah, alright. Give me a break, Kobe doesn’t have to rape anyone. All he has to do is snap his fingers and he’s got a handful of women on their knees tugging at his jeans to unleash that cock. HE’S KOBE BRYANT. He’s a multi-millionaire and a stud. That guys doesn’t have to rape anyone, and though Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t have the clout that Kobe does, he’s still a rich quarterback. She probably couldn’t wait to fuck him, but then saw just how huge he was (they don’t call him Big Ben for nothing) and got intimidated. This nightclub whore then came all over herself before Ben had a chance to dive right in. Yes, women can prematurely cum. This chick, humiliated in front of a sex symbol, ran out of the bathroom stall and fell. Embarrassed beyond belief she decides to sue Ben for rape so her friends don’t find out she blew it. This is just another case of some slut who couldn’t handle her dick and wanted a free ride in a fancy car.

This man is everyone's hero! He should be on the US flag!

Ben Roethlisberger is the man. I don’t think anyone is trying to make the claim that he isn’t. Let’s all stop being childish and calling him a “rapist” and admire him for how clutch he is. One day every single person reading this article will be accused of rape. Half of you did it. The rest of you though will rush to your computers to buy one of the many Ben Roethlisberger books online to find out how to get out of this jam. And after you read those books cover to cover and get dismissed of all charges in court, I’d hope you’ll write Big Ben a letter, thanking him.

**I named my fantasy football team this year, “The Rapelisbergers”. Pretty clever, huh?**

3 Responses to “Ben “Never Convicted” Roethlisberger”

  1. You, have lost a fan and a listener.

  2. You know, this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read… and the only reason I finished reading it was because my New Years resolution was to approach more things with an open mind, but now all I feel is hatred towards DeadAir FM and to the culprit who wrote this libel. (I am contemplating taking lawful action.) Don’t hate the JETS because we beat the two best quarterbacks in back to back games. Don’t hate us because the JETS fans are very involved and affectionate people.

    The JETS deserved all the success they received this year, and I’ll be damned if I just sit hear and read this garbage. Claiming the Revis is not the best corner in the league is preposterous. If that were true, why has every quarterback been afraid to throw to him all season, and the foolish ones that tried, their passes incomplete.

    Comparing what Edwards did, with a minor DWI to the viscous rape of Big Ben is making me sick, (I just puked in my wastebasket.) The poor victims were crushed under his immense frame and were disgraced as they were violently and shamelessly raped in the bathroom of the nightclub.

    Yes Cromartie has a lot of kids. That is all I will say about him.

    Rex Ryan. Rex has come a long way. How can one hate a man when after his first year as the head coach, he brings the organization to the AFC championships with a ROOKIE quarterback nonetheless. And if you thought that was a fluke, he did it again the following year. Rex is a motivational, inspirational, and comical human being, did he flip off some dolphin fans sure, but no one likes the Dolphins anymore. Does he have some fetish with feet, who doesn’t!!. Rex is the cornerstone of the New York JETS, and he WILL bring home a championship.


  3. The moral of this story is that Mark Sanchez needs to start raping young college girls. Then maybe the Jets will get over the hump.

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