Pongfan: Phil is being stalked!

This entry was posted on Jan 11 2011

Our friend Phil (featured in the prior article T3:Rise of the Phil’s) is being stalked! And honestly who wouldn’t want to stalk this man:

This is what SEX looks like.

Phil has dubbed this woman the “Swimfan.” A reference to a terrible movie where Erika Christensen becomes obsessed with a swimmer and terrorizes him. For month’s now Phil has been receiving disturbing texts, calls, and animal sacrifices in the mail. We are dealing with a terribly disturbed and love stricken young woman who will do anything to get what she wants.  She won’t rest until she rapes and kills him. And rest assured that’s exactly what’s going to happen. You can start writing your eulogies now.

This is exactly what is happening to Phil! Exactly! Except with beer pong...

We should all feel for Phil, I know I do. This is particularly troubling for him because of his past. The troubling thing isn’t that she is going to kill him because if you know Phil then you know that he’s going to die a violent death. That’s a given, but hey, That’s just the lifestyle he lives. The troubling aspect of this is the rape. He is rape-a-phobic. That means that he has an acute fear of being raped. A normal person wouldn’t mind it and would in fact welcome the opportunity to have unwanted violent sex forced upon them… but not Phil. That is one of his fears. It all stems back to his 8th birthday party. His parents wanted to give him the best birthday ever that year. And technically they did because believe me his other birthdays were worse. So for this party both his parents wanted a clown. His parents were both very cheep and they scoured Long Island for the cheapest clown duo they could fine. They settled on the convicted sex offender clown duo Julio the horny and Juan the terrible. His parents were also raging alcoholics and the day of the party they both passed out drunk leaving the children in the custody of these naughty clowns. Needless to say the clowns raped everyone there including his parents. Everybody except one boy… Phil. For the rest of his life he would wonder why they didn’t want to rape him. What was wrong with him? Wasn’t he an attractive child? How could they look at his supple body and not see the pleasure filled meat bag it surely was?  These questions haunt Phil to this day.

Why didn't they want to rape Phil? We'll never know. One day when his soul goes to heaven, I know he'll be raped by a clown. He's a great guy, he deserves it.

But back to the present situation. The story goes like this. Phil was at a party owning the beer pong table like he always does. He was running chumps off the table. Phil is the only guy I know who keeps a record of his win’s and losses playing beer pong. He has a .877 win percentage. Apparently this girl saw him and became infatuated.  She became his “Pongfan” as I prefer to call her. Phil “took advantage of her that night multiple times and then threw her away like the garbage she was.” His word’s not mine.  And he thought he was done with her. After the party she kept trying to contact him so he decided to throw her a bone because he felt bad for her. He allowed her to hang out with him in the presence of other people… but never alone. He figured that he was doing a public service. He has a heart of gold. He also figured he could get her to buy him stuff. His friends warned him though. They told him that she was mentally disturbed. They told him that she had killed before. They told him that she could be… possessive. Phil told them that if this “bitch” kept calling him the only thing she was going to possess would be a black eye. So his friends backed off. Because usually when Phil threatens to hit a girl he means it. So the hanging out continued until one party when Phil had just finished his usual ritual of taking advantage of the three drunkest girls there and leaving the scraps for his friends. On his way over to the beer pong table the Pongfan approached him and started “nagging him and shit” she asked him “I hope you had fun with your whores.” That was the last straw for Phil.

This was what Phil gave Pongfan for Christmas.

He decided his charitable efforts had gone too far and he was not to be questioned by some Pongfan. He severed ties. He stopped answering texts, calls, letters, carrier pigeons. And a few months went by and everything seemed fine. Until New Years Eve and the mass text that went horribly wrong. He accidentally included her in a mass text… that said “Happy New Years.” It’s easy to see how she took that as “I love you.” She texted Phil for the next two days and began making plans for their upcoming wedding. She had gotten as far as ordering monogrammed towels when Phil decided to break it off once again. It was the quiet before the storm.

He came back home that night to find his dog dead. “I love u” was carved into it’s side. Phil was furious that she couldn’t have just spelled out “you.” It was two more letters. Could she really be that lazy? This is where we stand today. Phil has decided not to go to the police and has purchased a gun. He says that he isn’t afraid to die and it’s either him or her. Sounds reasonable. Who knows how this is going to end? I don’t. I’m gonna go watch some TV. Later.

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