The MTA Feeds On Your Pain and Suffering

This entry was posted on Jan 05 2011

colonoscopy (noun) – is the endoscopic examination of the colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus.

Yeah, so I might need a colonoscopy. It’s kind of embarrassing to talk about. Especially on this very public website… Anyway, back to my medicinal sodomy. Why do I need a colonoscopy, you ask? I need one because the MTA is so far up my ass that I’m pretty sure these doctors are going to need to know what they’re up against before the extraction!

The Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) has finally pushed me too far. They managed to hit me right where it hurts most…my Jew bone. Most of you know by now that I’m a proud and tolerant Christian boy who occasionally (constantly) dabbles in the fine art of telling racist jokes. The irony of course is that when it comes to being thrifty (cheap), I take the cake. I take the cake, eat it all before everyone knows what hit ‘em, and then skip out on the check! And then much later when everyone has forgotten about that event I pretend I paid the whole thing and ask for the money they “owe” me. I’m just that kind of guy, but listen, these jokes are alright because I have two very close Jewish friends (an aspiring doctor and lawyer, they don’t try very hard to knock down those stereotypes, do they?). The point of all this is that the MTA once again raised my monthly train pass. In 2008, when I was interning with Sirius/XM I was paying around $235 a month. After yet another price increase at the beginning of this month I’m now paying $299 a month. I’m not one to complain about the LIRR or MTA. Whenever there are weather related delays or technical malfunctions, I deal with it. Shit happens, that’s part of life, and I’m not going too be one of those guys to bitch about it. Another price hike, though? Nah son, this won’t stand. The MTA is up my fucking ass and it’s getting real hard to walk and shit (to literally shit!).

The MTA is so far up my ass they might as well open a branch in there!

I’ve consulted several doctors and they say if the MTA stays this deep up my ass for too long, the risks include polyps and lesions. If the polyps go untreated, I run the risk of colorectal cancer. If those lesions become infected or burst, I could be looking at major surgery. Is the MTA going to pay for the chemotherapy for my colon cancer? Is the MTA going to pay for my re-constructive rectal surgery? Psh! The MTA is too busy sitting in their ivory castles and replacing the insulation in their castle walls with hundred dollar bills! Now don’t misunderstand, the castle is pure evil. Just because these people have more money than anyone of us could possibly comprehend doesn’t mean that an ominous aura of death and decay doesn’t linger around corner of that castle. Lynched bodies hang from the one dying tree in the courtyard. The soil has been salted so that nothing can ever grow. The MTA potentates eat only souls, dreams, and fiber-heavy cereals. Any children foolish enough to wander into the desolate wasteland that is the MTA headquarters loses not only their innocence, but their life. The remains of these children are fed to Mongor, the retarded offspring produced as a result of an MTA board members Mojito night gone horribly wrong.

MTA Headquarters: "Your misery sustains us"

And the MTA knows there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s the worst part of it all. Millions of people work in New York City. We have to get there somehow. When I bought my monthly pass at the train station there was a man in front of me that paid just under one thousand dollars for two monthly passes and a plethora of off-peak/on-peak tickets. The MTA knows that no one wants to drive into the city. They know no one wants to walk a few blocks. The trains and subways are where we do our daily jumbles and our crosswords and our godforsaken sudoku! Plus, walking has been extinct in America since 1975. When Americans wake up in the morning, we roll out of our beds and into our motorized wheelchairs that take us to that electric chair attached to the banister that takes us up and down the staircase, which we ride down the stairs to our downstairs motorized wheelchair that carries us to the front door where our segway awaits to bring us down the driveway to the car! We’ve learned to live this way and we’re incapable of change!

I have a dream... that one day no staircase in America will be without one of these glorious machines!

You’re waiting for me to provide a solution, right? When I took my credit card out that dreadful morning I didn’t say a word to the teller when I saw that the price had gone up.  What was that guy gonna say? “The price went up.” That’d be it. It would have made absolutely no difference what question I would have asked him regarding the change. It wouldn’t have made a difference whether or not I recited the three thousand word argument I wrote years ago in preparation for an event like this where I explain why I should be the exception to the this price increase. The answer would be the same no matter what. The guy would shrug his shoulders and say “$299.”

Every morning is the same these days. I use the bathroom and find blood and Metrocards in my stool. It burns to wipe and I limp most of the day. Friday rolls around and my girlfriend is anxiously awaiting the beginning of our BDSM night and I have to shamefully cancel it again, too embarrassed to tell her the truth. To tell her I’m in too much pain to participate in our ritualistic sex play. She scoffs and sends the gimp home. She’d sympathize with me if only she knew what was really going on. If only she knew that the MTA was so far up my ass that almost all my daily activities and chores have become unbearable! The MTA is ruining my life and there’s seemingly nothing I can do to stop them… This is the ways things are and if we’ve learned anything from the great revolutionaries over the years, there’s nothing we can do to change anything. The prices will just keep going up until all we can afford to pay for is transportation to and from New York! Between travel time we’ll sleep in gutters and panhandle. Sexual deviancy will rise 100% as we all begin to sell our bodies to pay our subway fare. We’re at the mercy of the MTA and Mongor! And if we’re still stupid enough to dream, it will be only of an anticipated apocalypse to come and wipe out humanity in the most gruesome and painful way imaginable. The sad truth is that even if our dreams came true and the Mayans were right and the world is destroyed, you know that some MTA board members will make it to Heaven and some to Hell and they’ll start up transportation authorities in each place and price gouge the shit out of us even in the afterlife! The MTA is not only going to be up my ass, but it’ll be up all your asses, and it’s going to last forever! So, I guess the only thing we can do is continue to get fucked up on the train and wreck shit. The very least we can do is take out our anger on MTA employees who have nothing to do with the price increases…

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