Francis Scott Key Fucked Us

This entry was posted on Feb 10 2011

When Francis Scott Key wrote the National Anthem in 1814 while watching the bombardment of Fort McHenry by the British during the War of 1812, he knew exactly what he was doing. He set the standard for writing poetry maliciously. Whenever a guy gets dumped by his girlfriend and begins writing seething, depressing poetry, you better believe that Francis Scott Key is their inspiration! I know that he was my inspiration when that exact scenario happened to me. You could cave a baby’s face in with the thick book of amateur poetry I put together from that breakup! Francis Scott Key knew that if he wrote an overly poetic, beautiful poem during a time where our country was in crisis that it would surely be adopted as our anthem. Francis Scott Key craved fame and attention. It ate him alive at night. The stress from wanting to be glorified eventually manifested itself as Crohn’s disease and caused him insufferable abdominal pain. The abundance of blood in his stools would inevitably be too much for his poor wife to tolerate (she loved a clean bathroom, it got her VERY hot) and she killed herself. After making love to his wife’s corpse for the third time (he was a well known necrophiliac and people respected him for it) he dumped the body over his backyard fence into his neighbor’s lawn and went out fishing. He became tremendously drunk while fishing and ended up right in the midst of the British attack. He knew his time of redemption had come. He could be famous AND ruin the lives of singers forever. He could have his cake and eat it, too (which was a big deal since he was a diabetic). That night Francis Scott Key bitterly wrote what we now call our National Anthem. When he finished the poem he stood up and drunkenly pissed off the side of his rowboat, something that was extremely frowned upon during that time period. The colonial people had a very skewed sense of morality.

"I bang dead bodies and eat souls. I never said I was a role model."

Which leads us to my point: the National Anthem is too hard to remember. No one talks like that anymore. After doing incredible amounts of research I have come to the conclusion that each person that sings the National Anthem before a crowd has to practice the song for a minimum of ten hours a day for a month. Those same people also take somewhere between 50-100 Valium (or Klonopin) to deal with the anxiety of performing. The pressure is enormous. If anyone messes up the National Anthem they are shamed forever. They’ve insulted America and have basically pissed into the mouths of everyone watching.

The most recent blunder while performing the National Anthem was done by Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl. And she’s been singing for years now! Now, it’s definitely her own fault. When you add that many syllables to single syllable words, how the fuck are you supposed to remember what comes next? She should have called it quits after that first album, but she was too damn stubborn. “Genie in a Bottle”? Yeah, I would have banged after that hit! And for anyone looking to make a “Joe likes young girls joke”… she was 19 when that song was released, so fuck you!

And then there was that girl Natalie Gilbert who couldn’t remember the rest of the words during that Mavericks-Trail Blazers game. She was two lines in before she panicked and started giving her friends material to work with for the rest of her life. Mo Cheeks had to rush over and sing the rest of the song with her. Now, normally I relish the opportunity to see a child humility themselves in front of a large audience, but this time I was glad Mo decided to intervene. He recognized that the song was impossible to memorize. He knew that no one used language like that anymore. He remembered the awful, disturbing history of Francis Scott Key from his adult night school classes. He wasn’t about to let the hellish ghost of Francis Scott Key take another soul. Mo Cheeks is a man, not because he saved a child from lifelong embarrassment, but because he hates poetry and would be damned if the English language claimed another life.

**Natalie Gilbert was recently featured on Tosh.0 and received a Web Redemption. What a lucky slut, that shows rocks!

Scene likes these happen far too often and I’ve decided it’s time for a change. No longer will we be slaves to Old English! So, choosing a new National Anthem, that;s going to be pretty tough… NOT. See what I did there? It’s going to be surprisingly easy, especially because I had already chosen a replacement anthem prior to writing this article. The United States of America is the best country in the world. I think we can all agree to that. That being said, we need something that showcases how flawless and extreme we are, but it has to also be hip. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have taken care of this problem for us…

Hey, they’re the guys who created the hit series “That’s My Bush”! They know what they’re talkin’ about!

I bought the whole series on ebay for eight bucks!

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