Free Frankie! – Malcolm’s Gonna Kill Himself!

This entry was posted on Feb 18 2011

For about two years now one of the things I’ve been panicking about is whether or not to pursue a new career path. It’s one of those life changing decisions that dwell on your mind. Luckily for me, I have plenty of paranoia and neuroticism to exacerbate this problem. As I struggle with a dilemma like this one it would be awesome if I could take solace in knowing someone else went through the same thing. Someone I could look up to and model not only my decision making process, but my life after. A mentor of some sort. The obvious choice would be my father. A man’s man who has always done whatever he needed to support the family and appreciate his life…

…but I’d kind of prefer someone who was famous.

This little guy can crawl into anything... anything.

Let me tell you a little something something about Mr. Frankie Muniz! Frankie isn’t a fucking quitter! Frankie Muniz can do anything he sets his mind to! Frankie Muniz voiced Chester McBadbat in an episode of The Fairly Odd Parents on Nickelodeon! The sky was the limit for Frankie! His gravy train couldn’t be derailed! Producers would come to his house with bags of money and Frankie would point them to the hole in his floor! Frankie called it his “money hole”! Sometimes Frankie would get really drunk and forget it was his “money hole” and use it as a toilet! Frankie would wake up the next morning with a violent hangover and no regrets because he had so much money to burn and didn’t care that he ruined his cash with his own excrement! Sometimes he’d use the soiled money to tip cab drivers and waiters because he just doesn’t give a fuck! This little son of a bitch won’t back down from nothing! Not even his ‘clearly-out-of-his-league’ girlfriend! Foreshadowing…?

Joe's Regret #782: Not being a child star...

When Frankie Muniz tired of acting and making millions upon millions of dollars, he started writing screenplays, ’cause fuck it, right? And when he finished writing and producing Granted, a made for TV movie, he joined a band! Why not? In 2004, he joined the band “You Hang Up” as their drummer. Frankie says he learned to play drums for Zac Hanson (of Hanson), one of the all-time greatest drummers to ever walk the Earth. In fact, it’s well known that Don Henley (of The Eagles), Neil Peart (of Rush), Dave Grohl (of Foo Fighters), and Lars Ulrich (of Metallica) all learned everything they know from Zac Hanson. That being said, all four have their drumming prowess trumped by none other than Frankie Muniz. Then in 2005, Frankie decided he wanted to be a racecar driver! How extreme is that? The answer is: “very extreme”.

And finally, in 2011, when he was exhausted from all the bullshit, he decided to change career paths once again and become a gun-wielding, suicidal madman who beats his girlfriend at their home in Phoenix!

RECAP: February 11, 2011 – Phoenix, Arizona

During an intense domestic fight at their home in Phoenix, Frankie Muniz allegedly put a handgun to his head, possibly with the intention of killing himself. Elycia Turnbow’s(Frankie’s girlfriend) publicist alleges that he “punched her in the back of the head” and threw her against the wall. The fight between the two was apparently about “prior relationships” and Frankie says Turnbow was “throwing things and hitting him”. The police arrived at their residence and later removed a gun from a downstairs closet and it was loaded, despite Frankie claiming it wasn’t.

This is how Agent Cody Banks drives a racecar!

Enough of this “alleged” nonsense, this ain’t Law and Order, motherfucker! Frankie is moving on with his life and trying new things. There aren’t too many actor-turned writer-turned musician-turned racer driver-turned violent, suicidal domestic abusers out there these days! There are few people in the world that possess this kind of range and diversity! More importantly, he can be someone we can all look up to. Frankie has changed careers so many times now. We can, too!

And Elycia, baby, come on… This chick needs to recognize that when you start dating a stud muffin like Frankie Muniz, well, this guy gets around. I’m not that surprised that jealousy has reared it’s ugly head around Muniz Manor. Frankie is very desirable and women acknowledge that. Frankie lost his virginity at age fifteen to Jane Kaczmarek during season one of Malcolm in the Middle. Are you surprised? He also nailed Amanda Bynes while filming Big Fat Liar, Lizzie McGuire while filming Agent Cody Banks, and the Jack Russell Terrier from My Dog Skip. He refuses to wear condoms and never discloses his sexually transmitted diseases before intercourse. Elycia knew what she was getting herself into and Frankie damn well know what he wanted to get himself into! When you start dating Frankie Muniz you accept his rock n’ roll lifestyle. You know that one day he’s going to ask you to let him snort a line of coke off your clitoris. That’s inevitable. The guy wears his heart on his sleeve. What you see is what you get. However, women can NEVER control their hormones or emotions or their periods, so of course it was unavoidable that she would want to complain about all the hot sex Frankie received from his past girlfriends; one of which happens to be former First Lady, Nancy Reagan. Frankie can not change who he is and he shouldn’t have to! She needs to assimilate herself to his way of life. Elycia needs to check herself… before Frankie knocks out her teeth and shoots himself in the head (that’s a new saying I think will catch on).

People, this is serious. We need to coordinate. We need to organize and march on Washington to free Frankie Muniz! He shouldn’t be punished for being a method actor!


Now, don’t let the fact that Frankie Muniz was neither arrested or charged for this episode sway your decision. Don’t pay any attention to the statements that Frankie and Elycia have already reconciled or Muniz’s publicist who says that these events never even happened! He still needs to be freed! The press is trying to convince people that Frankie is a bad guy and at this rate he’ll never get the chance to reprise his role in the Malcolm in the Middle movie! A film we’re all on the edge of our seats waiting for! I refuse to live in a world where hedonism is frowned upon.

Frankie Muniz is exactly what I’ve been looking for. A class act that has changed careers a number of times and has been wildly successful in each. The kind of guy that defies the odds and tests the limits. Frankie one and only regret should probably be the impact he has on his former co-stars. Dewey’s only memorable role outside Malclom in the Middle was as young Joe Dirt. Not good enough. He needs to learn from the lessons Muniz gives the world and try and kill himself. Maybe then his career will make that big comeback!

"I banged Jane Kaczmarek, too! I got most of my arm in there!" - Dewey

Frankie… don’t change a thing, baby! You can punch out my girlfriend anytime!

One Response to “Free Frankie! – Malcolm’s Gonna Kill Himself!”

  1. He popped in his pants

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