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I’ve converted to Sheenism

This entry was posted on Feb 28 2011

I’ve seen the light. I’ve found my way. I’ve achieved clarity of the soul. Thank you Charlie Sheen. I had considered myself agnostic for a long time. Not believing in religion, but also not being able to say for sure what was true and what wasn’t. Because hey I’m not all knowing, I could always be wrong. That truth seemed to make sense in my head but my heart was another story.  My heart knew something was missing, but never what exactly.

This is the man... no... the deity that showed me the Light!

This was a difficult time in my life, before I was reborn in the blood and semen of The Sheen. As my life spiraled out of control I had no explanations. My life was falling apart piece by piece. I started waking up early in the morning around 7 or 8 AM… going to the gym. Going to sleep… early. Eating vegetables. Focusing on my schoolwork. I stopped craving narcotic drugs and the thrill of exchanging money for sex. I don’t know how it had happened to me. Maybe I saw one too many episodes of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne? Maybe the love, family, and soul bullshit had contaminated my mind? I was in my own personal hell. This wasn’t the me I was used to. This was some pathetic shell of a bitch.

I was changing as a person. I was becoming tolerant of other lifestyles. I saw a gay couple in the mall holding hands and I DIDN’T assault them with the switch blade I always have on me.  I thought good for them and threw away the blade. I lost interest in my favorite hobbies. I closed down my dog fighting league. I started treating the dogs better and feeding them twice a week. This change in me even affected my work. I no longer took pleasure or gained fulfillment in tricking homeless people into eating poisoned sandwiches and taping them vomiting blood for my subscription website. My customers didn’t want to pay for videos of me donating warm coats to the homeless. They wanted blood and pain… but I was no longer able to provide that. I was a broken man. I had somehow gone down the wrong path.

That was all until recently when a friend of mine, Kevin, had noticed I hadn’t been my usual angry self in awhile and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t know… ”I guess I just lost my passion for life.” He said he had an extra ticket for a motivational speaking event hosted by Charlie Sheen. I said I wasn’t to familiar with his work but he seemed like a decent human being so why not? And the following Monday we went. What followed saved my life.

The event started at 11:30PM and was being held in the basement of an abandoned church. Robes were required. As we took our seats I really didn’t know what to expect. I figured Mr. Sheen would just give us the standard you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it speech. I was ready to dismiss anything he could say to me, what impact could this man’s words possibly have on me? Little did I know what he had in store for us all.

Prophecy fortells that The Dark Lord Sheen will one day take his true form and rule this world with an iron fist!

When everyone was seated the lights dimmed and a naked humanoid creature came out from behind the curtains on stage, it was neither man nor woman as it had clearly had it’s genitalia burned off. It hissed at the crowd and made it’s way over to the side of the stage and started playing an organ. That’s when Charlie Sheen burst out from behind the curtains screaming, raving like a lunatic. He was holding a live chicken by the neck and a cleaver. He slammed the chicken down on the table on stage and chopped it’s head off . He than thrust the chicken’s neck to his mouth and drank all the blood that drained from it’s body. This was all so sudden I was taken aback. But I was excited… I felt alive! By the time he had fully drained the chicken of it’s red delicious life blood and was scooping it’s innards into his mouth I was hard. It was right there and then that I knew that this was a man who had insight into what life was all about.

That night Charlie spoke for hours. Most of it was babel but that didn’t matter, because we got the message. Maggots… earthworms, Jews… it was so clear. He taught everyone in that room how to live again, except for one guy who he actually killed. But he did it with a cross bow so everyone was impressed. We learned the secrets of life that night. I was indoctrinated into the oldest religion in the world (at least that’s what Charlie said), Sheenism. We learned that Charlie Sheen is the direct descendant of Satan and is over 1,000 years old. At first I didn’t know if I believed him, but he proved it by bringing out a small child on stage and tearing out his heart with his bear hands and devouring it right in front of us. Then he tore off the head and whispered an ancient incantation. We were all in awe. I was crying. How could I have been so blind? Charlie then passed around the corpse of the boy and we ate the remains! 3 hours later, after we had all learned the secrets of life, we took holy Sheen-munion at the front of the stage. Charlie opened up the child’s head and we all feasted on his brains while Charlie said a holy prayer. He sent us home that night with every episode of Two and a Half Men which he said would help continue to guide and teach us his lessons which would include: how to properly solicit and later beat to death a prostitute and how to cook with cocaine.

Charlie recommends organic cocaine for all his recipes.

Now I’m a believer. I’ve turned around my life. I’m up at all hours of the night again, I wake up only after 5pm. I subsist mostly on a diet of Meth-Amphetamines and chicken blood. But more importantly I’ve rediscovered my passion for life. I’m currently working on a shrine room (as every Sheenite must) in my house devoted to The Dark Lord Sheen and I’m using the skin of children I abduct from the park as wall paper. One day when as prophesied in Two and a Half Men Season 3: Extras: Producer’s notes, Charlie and his father Satan tag team a pornstar in my and every other Sheenite’s holy shrine room I want them to be impressed.

I believe many others will soon join the faith and come to see the light now that The Dark Lord Sheen has chosen to begin revealing his true self as only the most divine can… by calling into radio shows and writing open letters to TMZ. Of course there will be many that refuse to understand his teachings such as Chuck Lore, Executive Producer of Two  and a Half Men. The Dark Lord himself has responded with “I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” Words of the truly divine.

The Terror Monkey's will feast on the weak!!!!

I ask you not to judge this budding religion until you taste the sweet flesh of a young child’s heart.  Come to a service. Watch as the Terror Monkeys (violent monkeys that have been starved and trained to kill by the Church of Sheen) tear apart an elderly woman dressed in a banana costume. Watch as the orgy of a thousand lemurs begins and pleasure yourself with the rest of the congregation as over 20 starved and sickly lemurs have sex for hours in front of you. And finally raise for holy Sheen-muninon at the end of service and receive Sheen himself! As you eat the child brain and drink the pornstar squirt feel the Holy Sheen flow through you. By that point you will have surely been won over!

Join me, minions in Sheen! Worship the beast! Embrace the terror! Long Live The Dark Lord Sheen!

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