The United States of America is in desperate need of answers. Ever since we let George W. Bush leave office, everything has been falling apart. Within weeks of Obama’s inauguration, the recession began. Coincidence? I think not. Unemployment hasn’t improved enough and oil prices continue to rise. If you open the window of America and peer out at the rest of the world, it doesn’t get much better. Environmental problems continue to plague the planet as we still have no solution to global warming or overpopulation. Close the window! It’s too depressing out there! Most of these problems I’ve just mentioned are irrelevant or boring. Re-Stabilizing the country is easy; we need to boost morale and patriotism. What’s this problem I speak of, you ask…?
There hasn’t been a good celebrity sex tape since Tommy Lee gave Pam Anderson hepatitis.
Celebrity sex tapes are what makes this country go round. There is NOTHING we care more about than sex tapes. Not our families. Not our careers. Not paying taxes. Do you know who pays taxes? People who don’t have the time to watch filthy sex tapes because they are too busy stressing out trying to figure out how to become more of a bitch. There are very few standards we ask from our sex tapes. We expect them to involve either extremely relevant celebrities, or ones that have been washed up for years. We demand them to be salacious to the point of mortal sin, and expect the parties involved to either show no remorse, or be buried in shame. The result of celebrity sex tapes must either further someone’s career, or obliterate it. And even if the celebrity benefits from the release of the tape, at least one member of their family must be stricken with humiliation to the point of dementia and/or suicide.
That being said, it’s really no surprise that the country is in shambles. There haven’t been any good celebrity sex tapes as of late. Hypothetically, if there were more incredibly revolting sex tapes, the country would be a much more prosperous place. People would be much happier because everyone would be masturbating four to five times a day. And I do mean “everyone”. Priests would be jacking off to the sins of parishioners in the confessional while picturing their favorite actress being torn apart. Surgeons would be finishing inside the open incisions of their patients, too distracted by the lewd video they had just watched a few minutes ago. Elementary school teachers would be constantly leaving the children alone to “read silently” as they rush to the teacher’s lounge to fulfill their insatiable urges to celebrity sex tapes they’ve downloaded on their iPhones. And while those teachers are rubbing themselves raw, the children would be gathering around in a circle jerk because Johnny’s parents just got him a Droid and he’s showing everyone the hot new video bang straight out of Hollywood! If we were to produce three aggressively provocative sex tapes a month for one year, there’s no doubt in my mind that we would…
1) Come up with five brand new alternatives to oil that do not harm the environment.
2) Social security would rebound, and somehow work better than ever.
3) We would win the War on Terror.
And that’s only after the FIRST year! Profits would sore higher than the uncontrollable ejaculate in your parent’s basement!
Kim Kardashian let us down. She had the chance to create an amazing sex tape and she blew it. Instead, she just blew Ray J (for what seemed like the entire tape!). By society’s standards, Kim Kardashian is pretty hot. I think most people would agree, but I can see why some might not. She could have saved the economy, but instead she brought a tsunami of disappointment down on all our hopes and dreams. First things first. Ray J? Come on, Kim… If you’re going to film somebody banging you out for our sick pleasure, at least have the decency to fuck someone a little classier. Reggie Bush would have been a better choice, but to be honest, there was way to much black dick to begin with. Half the video was Ray J checking out his own cock as if he’d never seen it before. Kim, for the next sex tape, please hire a casting producer?
The other colossal problem was that Kim barely seemed that into it. Yeah, I wouldn’t be too excited to bang Ray J either, but when the camera turns on, so should you. I mean, Kim is the star of a reality show, so she obviously knows how to act. What happened? I’m a Kim Kardashian fan (of her body, not her career) and I couldn’t believe how tame she was. Maybe there was one or two moans that snuck through the cracks, but otherwise it was very mundane, uneventful sex. Her performance was uninspired and vapid. Don’t get me wrong, I still came, but I expected more (more production value, not more semen). Christ, Ray J was making more noise than Kim was! They were mostly compliments to himself, but it doesn’t change the principle of the thing! Shut the fuck up, Ray J! And stop banging the women I fantasize about!
Besides the anticlimactic (pretty funny, right?) Kardashian video, it still wasn’t the worst. Screech from Saved By The Bell was losing his house or something and made a sex tape. I didn’t see it, but I heard it was unbearable. He didn’t even play his character from the show. What a waste. And Paris Hilton? No one wanted to see her naked to begin with, let alone desperately trying to satisfy a mostly flaccid cock. There’s only one hope for this country and it’s pretty controversial.
Justin Bieber (17), and his new girlfriend Selena Gomez (barely 18), need to make their very own sex tape.
I know what you’re thinking… Joe, watching two young kids bang, probably for the first time, would be crazy hot, but how do we trick them into doing it?
Wow, you people are really fucking twisted. Are these the kind of people reading my articles? Am I surprised?
My loyal, deeply disturbed fans, we will not need to trick them into anything. They are clearly in love. He’s Canadian, she’s Hispanic… this just makes sense, ya know? Now, deep within the bowels of my mind I have already written, directed, and edited the Bieber – Gomez sex tape. Follow me now, let me walk you down the road to Hell. I’ll cup my hands so that you can drink from the pond of depravity. I’ll whisper malevolent poetry to you, so close, that my lips will occasionally brush against your ears. You’ll be hesitant at first, but soon you will realize that everything you have ever done in your life has led you to this place. Your life was predetermined, and your blood will soon be replaced with an immoral slime. Let me set the mood for you, baby… Listen to some mood music as you read the script of the Bieber – Gomez sex tape…
INT. JUSTIN BIEBER’S ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Justin and Selena are chilling out in his room on a warm, sexy afternoon. The air conditioning is on, but it can’t keep the heat off their bodies. Justin’s Mom just brought them back home from the mall, where they were shopping until ecstasy. Justin had bought Selena a new hat and she almost lost her mind. She rewarded him by holding hands for two full minutes. Their fingers never laced. The seed had been planted.
Justin and Selena relax on separate bean bag chairs as they stare deeply into each other’s eyes. Justin suggests a game. Selena licks her lips and says, “I’m up for anything“. Justin suddenly pulls out his long, thick container of Pogs.
“Oh my, there’s so many of them,” Selena says.
“Wait until you see the slammers…” Justin whispers.
Justin takes out his Bret “The Hitman” Hart slammer from it’s case and places it sensually in Selena’s hand. She quivers.
“Don’t be afraid”, Justin whispers. His breath beating down on Selena like the mist from a volcano.
Selena caresses the Pog slammer. “It’s so big,” she says. “What if I don’t do it right?”
Justin smiles and places his hand over hers, guiding the slammer into the air.
“I’ll be gentle,” he whispers.
Justin guides her hand, full of slammer, down toward the tower of Pogs. The tower erupts and Pogs fly all over the room and Selena’s face. The two of them laugh and Justin brushes a Pog out of Selena’s hair. Selena wipes some sweat from her neck.
“Oh my, it’s getting muy caliente,” Selena says.
“What?” asks Justin. “Are those words?”
Selena turns her head in shame, embarrassed at her attempt to be cultural. Justin suggests they watch a PG-13 movie, despite their parents objections. Selena becomes wild. She’s never seen a movie that wasn’t animated. Justin pops in his copy of Big Momma’s House, a movie he has seen over twenty times. Selena has never seen a black man before and is terrified at first. Justin calms her down by singing his hit single “Baby”. She begins to cry, telling him that the only time she’s ever heard of a black man are in the horror tales her racist Mother would spin before bed. Justin explains to Selena that almost 4% of black men are harmless, and she lays back in relief.
The two of them only get half way through the movie before passion takes over. Justin asks Selena if she’s “ever seen one in real life”. She shakes her head “no”, bites her lip, and asks him to “let it out”. The two of them spend the next thirty minutes playing with Justin’s pet rock, Herbie.
It’s getting late, almost 7pm. Justin puts Herbie to bed and Selena yawns the sexiest yawn she can muster. Justin, seeing for the first time just how wide Selena’s mouth can open, suddenly realizes how hungry he is. He asks Selena to text her Mom to pick her up so that he can have dinner alone.
“I write my best lyrics while eating my Chef Boyardee,” says Justin.
Selena informs Justin that she already texted her Mom twenty minutes ago and that she’s outside waiting in the car as we speak. She wants to get home and get a full eight hours of sleep so that her body continues to develop properly.
“See you at recess tomorrow, Justin,” says Selena.
Justin unleashes some sort of sexual grunt while Selena leaves. He enjoys his Chef Boyardee while reading comic books, before going to sleep at about 9:30pm.
I know what you’re thinking… Joe, I depend on you to graphically describe erotic scenes involving minors that I can use in my sexual fantasies… Justin and Selena never even got close to porking! What gives?
What is wrong with you people? Is this really the demographic I appeal to? Those are children! Why do you want to imagine them having sex so badly? Besides the fact that child pornography is a state and federal crime, those are also someone’s kids! You sick bastard! Here, next time you want to pleasure yourself to Justin Bieber’s supple body, think of this woman! This is Justin Bieber’s Mother!
I know what you’re thinking… Joe, I’m so close, I’m almost there. Just give me one graphically described scene where Justin slaps Selena (or his Mom, now that she’s in my thoughts too) with his dick!
Why are you masturbating to my articles?! What has happened to this website?! This commentary has taken a dark turn that I could have never predicted. I mean, I had my doubts, but that’s why I went to Frank (the other half of this website) for reassurance…
Joe: Hey man, I’m thinking of writing an article on Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez saving the economy by releasing an “all ages” sex tape.
Frank: “All ages”…? I don’t like the sound of that.
Joe: What do you mean, friend?
Frank: Well, I know when I watch child pornography I like to see ALL the fucking, ya know? Penetration, the money shot. The whole sha-bang.
Joe: Frank, are you trying to tell me something here? I thought we didn’t keep secrets from each other.
Frank: I love watching kids fuck each other.
Joe: Please stop talking in riddles!
Frank: And if an animal is involved, that’s gravy. Oh, and if the kids are covered in gravy, that’s awesome, too.
Joe: I need your advice! If you’re not going to have an open conversation with me…
Frank: I banged a kid once. Right here in my house. I filmed it and tried to sell it to an online child pornography website, but they said I was too hideous and it would distract the patrons from watching the gorgeous children.
Joe: If you’re not going to help me, then I’m going to just have to write the article on my own! I thought you kept it real, but I can see I was wrong.
Frank: After I banged that kid, I killed him, ate his dick, and ate some chicken strips.
Joe: Goodbye, sir.
I’m not sure what else to say to you people. You all sicken me.