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Dear Kate Middleton…

This entry was posted on Mar 28 2011

Kate Middleton’s wedding to “Prince” (I’d like to see documentation) William is approaching, and you know that that means. I’m running out of time… I need to win her over quickly before it’s too late, and there’s only one full proof way I know how to do that… Write her the most beautiful letter/proposal EVER. Psh, this guy doesn’t stand a chance!

February 18, 2011: "I do not love William and wish someone would rescue me."

DEAR KATE MIDDLETON…

I’m not sure if you realize this or not, but April 29th (the supposed day of your wedding to Prince William) is dangerously close. I feel a strong moral obligation to write you this letter and make sure you’ve considered all your options before committing to a lifetime of misery…

Kate Middleton, marry me instead.

We’d be so good together Kate, you simply have no idea! It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we didn’t explore the carnal urges we both feel for each other every day. We were meant to be. Now, I’m sure you’re wondering to yourself, “who is this guy?” See? I’m already finishing your sentences! I read you like a book, baby. A sexy book. One of those erotic novels you find in the back of the Barnes and Noble on the higher shelves so children can’t cast their innocent eyes upon the lustful cover, usually sporting a shirtless vampire or a busty fallen angel. You’re my fallen angel, Kate. The kind of woman who makes love like God, but fucks like the Devil. I want you to tear me apart, Kate. Tear me apart and piece me back together… rinse and repeat. Our passion would reach everyone’s ears. It would be “the climax heard ’round the world”. Your beauty holds no bounds. And if those bounds even attempted to control your beauty, they’d burst and require extensive surgery to repair. You aren’t just any woman, Kate. You’re special. There’s something different about you. You’re not just any girl you pick up at a bar, walk her to your car, conk her on the head with a rock, and take her back to your dungeon for “consensual” sex… No, you’re the kind of girl you take to the Outback first. Yeah, go ahead and order that Bloomin’ Onion! Sky’s the limit tonight! Besides, did you know that appetizer is an aphrodisiac? (Readers Note: 75% of the Outback menu is an aphrodisiac) Who am I, Kate? I’m the man you’ve been waiting your entire life for. I’m not some schmuck with a British accent, I’m from your dreams.

Kate, have you ever considered how much we have in common? The similarities are mind-blowing really. I mean, we’re both exceptionally attractive people. I love women with long hair, and your brown locks flow so freely I could take a nap in them. Your hair is the equivalent of the Tempur-Pedic mattress. If I stood a glass of wine in your hair and bounced around in there, the wine would never spill! Not to mention your name is “Kate”, and I’ve deemed that to be acceptable. We won’t have to worry about the messy paperwork to have your name legally changed. The list goes on and on! I’m not sure that there are another two people in the world more perfect for each other than us! We’re way mucho cliente than Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz! We’re smoother than Seal and Heidi Klum! And fuck it, we’re even blacker than Beyonce and Jay Z!

She'd be right there by my side for the all the important moments!

Kate, I imagine one of your biggest concerns regarding marrying me would be leaving the United Kingdom. I’m here to tell you that the transition won’t just be seamless, but it will be liberating! Are you aware that the country you’re living in still uses a Monarchy as it’s government? Ha! When are they going to get with the freaking program? Democracies are where it’s at! That’s why America has to keep invading countries and telling them what government they should have. We want to open their eyes to the wonders of a democracy and apparently these others countries are too stupid to figure it out on their own, ya know? Maybe if you treat me right during the honeymoon (wink wink, nudge nudge), I’ll put in a good word to Obama and have him fix up the UK like we did Iraq and Afghanistan (if you’re lucky). Besides, Monarchies are for suckers. And not just average suckers, but OLD suckers. Like, 95% of the UK is decrepit. Why is everyone there so old? Every time I see the UK discussed on television or in the newspaper my eyes are inevitably drawn to the ancient people in the background. These relics are wandering aimlessly with no sense of purpose throughout these newscasts and pictures! How is this country being run? Is it really possible people could live this long? What type of diet or witchcraft have they summoned their eternal life from? Jack LaLanne is rolling around in his grave right now, desperate for the health and vitality answers he evidently never came across!

You’re going to love the United States. We have easily the best food in the world and you’re going to love being a New Jersey Devil fan like myself. I know, I know… you’re really going to miss your favorite cricket team, The Manchester Crumpets, but once you see Zach Parise and Ilya Kovalchuk dominate the ice, you’ll be smitten beyond return! We’ll snuggle up in our moderately priced seats and await the inescapable “Kiss Cam” to catch us when we least expect it. You’ll bury your face in my shoulder in embarrassment while I chuckle at the novelty, but after a few seconds of teasing we’ll give the adoring crowd what they’re waiting for: a ten minute long, emotionally charged, open-mouthed makeup session, which will have about a 75% chance of leading into us having sex in our seats in public. Oh, how the crowd will stand and cheer as our bodies thrust against each other. It will certainly be magical.

These signs will finally be removed from the Prudential Center after Kate and I show 'em how it's done!

Alright Kate, let’s address the elephant in the room. Prince William. Psh… He sure looks like an elephant. The benefits to marrying me over Prince William are endless… Here’s a pretty good outline of Bill’s flaws (I’m going to call him Bill from here on to lower his appeal)…

1) Bill followed his parents’ examples and took interest in various causes pretty early in his life. Bill was directed to work with HIV/AIDS prevention, the natural environment, and the disadvantaged inner-city. He also showed a desire to work with Africa.

** Boy, he’s trying pretty hard, huh? Really desperate for some attention and approval. Plus, can’t he make decisions on his own? I’ll tell you one thing, the “royal family” will be telling him what to do for the rest of his life, and he’s just gonna take it. Until Queen Elisabeth dies, she’s going to be telling Bill what to wear and how to bang you. Is that what you want, Kate? Queen Elisabeth in the room, working Bill’s hips and helping him stuff that tiny penis into you? Doesn’t sound very sexy… I on the other hand own every Barry White CD ever made and three different bear skin rugs. When we make love, it will be exactly like a scene from Busty Cops. I also never take my parents advice on anything, and will never feel the need to fight for a cause. You are my only cause. You’re my number one. Whenever you’re with Bill, you better believe he’s thinking about AIDS.

2) Bill is a search and rescue pilot for the Royal Air Force.

** La di da. Let me get this straight… So, he’d rather look for missing people in some lake who are probably already dead (because he’s a shitty search and rescue pilot), than share a romantic evening with you at your favorite restaurant? Personally, I love that restaurant you like. Bill is a real piece of shit. I’ll tell you one thing that he’ll want to search for, but will never rescue: your clitoris. I on the other hand know almost exactly where it is. So… that’s something you can look forward to.

3) Bill is in great shape.

** I suppose by society’s standards, but who wants that? Kate, I get you. You want a “real man’s” body. Not one out of an airbrushed magazine, but the one I got. Realistic. Almost above average. Besides, with me, all the attention will be on your body like it’s supposed to be. Why does Bill want all the attention? He’s probably compensating for all the experimental gay sex he had in college (and still has). Oh, he never told you about that? Boy is my face red. He begged me to keep that a secret from you, but now the cat’s out of the bag! Why does he have to keep secrets from you anyway…?

If I applied myself, I could look just like Prince William!

You hate all this fake attention you get, don’t you? That damn UK media is relentless when it comes to trivial royalty bullshit. Our wedding will be quaint. Instead of having your wedding in that crowded, cliche Westminster Abbey, we’ll have it in my backyard. There’s a pretty prominent raccoon infestation back there right now, but when those rabid critters see how beautiful you look in that wedding dress I’m sure their eyes will melt in their sockets. Also, we’ll have Billy The Exterminator on staff to blow any raccoons that get too close to the alter into pieces with a sawed off shotgun. And I know you had your heart set on April 29th, but July 5th would be much better for me (that’s my friend Kevin’s birthday and I want that day to forever be remembered as the day I married Kate Middleton, rather than the celebration of his birth – that will really get his goat). And since the backyard is pretty small, the guest list will be at a minimum. Pretty much just my pals and parents. When you move to America, you’ll leave EVERYTHING else behind (family and friends included).

The only tricky part in all this will be how I explain it to my current girlfriend. Kate, you have to understand that when you accepted Bill’s proposal, I had to continue on with my life. I met my girlfriend Alicia and we’ve been together for almost two years now. I know we can make this work. Have you seen Big Love? Me neither, but the theme is polygamy and I think that’s just the lifestyle for me. I’ll marry you and Alicia will remain the girlfriend. Now, since you get the title of wife and Alicia doesn’t, it’s really only fair that you do most of the work around the house. I also imagine us having a small farm at some point, and you’ll need to plow that depending on season and upcoming harvests. Something you should know is that Alicia has a jealousy issue, and she’s going to take a lot of that anger out on you, verbally and physically. You’ll need to have tough skin to survive the insults and never turn your back on her in case of an attack. I imagine that after several years of living this way everyone will learn to accept each other and their roles. When this finally happens, I’ll expect threesomes to become a regular part of our everyday life.

Kate, baby, this can work. We can go the distance. I know that living in a castle, married to a Prince, and having an endless fortune at your disposal isn’t the way you pictured your life. You wanted something simpler. So, please, write me back. Consider this letter my marriage proposal. I’ve been kneeling on one knee while writing this entire note. My back is in tremendous pain, but it could never compare to the pain of losing you. We’ll live together in bliss until death do we part (or until Alicia catches you off your guard and slits your throat).

Love, Joe

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