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Glen Sather Buries Redden In Minors, Boogaard In Ground

This entry was posted on May 24 2011

I’m not a conspiracy theorist. In fact, I despise conspiracy theories, and usually the people who come up with them as well. However, I have taken an interest in a recent tragedy. On May 13, 2011, Derek Boogaard was found dead in his Minneapolis apartment by family members. He was found unconscious and wasn’t breathing.  When the Fire Department arrived they pronounced him dead at the scene. He was twenty-eight years old.

Derek Boogaard was a professional hockey player in the NHL. He played five seasons with the Minnesota Wild, before signing as a free agent with the New York Rangers in 2010. Now, the autopsy is still pending, and I’m no detective (professionally, at least), but I suspect foul play. Derek Boogaard’s season was cut shorten this year because of a season-ending concussion, but I’m certain it played no part in his demise. No, the reason for this man’s death is far more sinister. Derek Boogaard was murdered and I know who killed him. Derek had signed with the Rangers as a free agent, that’s a fact. His contract was for four years, 6.5 million dollars. A 1.625 million dollar yearly cap hit… It may not seem like much compared to baseball and football salaries, but anyone who follows hockey knows that’s a little much for a player known purely as a an enforcer and has never scored more than six points in an NHL season. Not to mention the Rangers already had cap issues, which made this signing universally panned by most NHL experts and analysts. So, isn’t convenient that the New York Rangers have once again managed to get themselves out of another lengthy, expensive contract…?

Glen Sather, the general manager of the New York Rangers, murdered Derek Boogaard. There, I said it. I’m not holding these punches back any longer! The evidence has been piling up for years now! Sather has always had this reputation of signing high profile players to extravagant contracts via free agency. True, it was a little more abundant before the salary cap was instituted, but even today he manages to make questionable deals that hinder the team’s financial responsibilities. After all the flak Sather received because of the signing, and the cap room he’d need in the very near future to resign key players, he knew that once again he’d have to pull off a miracle and move that contract. But Sather’s ego is as big as a blue whale’s cock (lucky blue whale sluts). He wanted to get rid of Boogaard’s contract, but it wanted to do it creatively. He needed it to be this spectacular accomplishment that would make ESPN’s Top 10 Plays of the Week! So, he fucking killed him. Still skeptical? That’s alright, here’s a history lesson for you, bitch!

This is a real thing, Derek and his brother taught kids to fight! Awesome!

2002: Bobby Holik (signed a five year, 45 million dollar contract): I was the biggest Holik fan in the world when he was with the Devils, but nine million a year for a checking line center was insane. Sather eventually got the opportunity to buy him out after the lockout. How dare you, Sather. How dare you treat my favorite Devil like that! Holik was the best guy! Sure, you couldn’t understand a word he ever said, but that didn’t make him any less charming!

2002: Darius Kasparitis (signed a six year, 25 million dollar contract): When Sather became sick of Darius’ poor performance he tossed him in the AHL, before he simply left for Russia. I heard that’s what Sather does with his trash at home, too. Just sends it to Russia. He doesn’t get MAD, he gets GLAD, and then he overnights his shit to Russia. Das vadanya, debt.

2007: Scott Gomez (signed a seven year, 51.5 million dollar contract): Sather traded the under-performing Gomez (along with Tom Pyatt and Mike Busto) to the Montreal Canadians for Chris Higgins, Ryan McDonagh, Pavel Valentenko, and the rights to Doug Janik. Gomez’s contract was considered “unmovable” by most. This was the most amazing one. Gomez still had fives years left at an annual cap hit of a little over seven million. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that Sather was sexually harassing Pierre Gauthier’s (Montreal’s GM) wife online and this was the only way he could stop Sather’s advances.

2008: Michael Rozsival (signed a four year, 20 million dollar contact): Yes, he was there best defense-man at the time (and that doesn’t say much about their defense), but this contract was not deserved considering his inconsistent play. Rozsival’s contact took up too much cap room and Sather somehow suckered the Phoenix Coyotes into taking him for Wojtek Wolski. I’m sure Sather had something to do with Phoenix’s bankruptcy, too.

2008: Markus Naslund (signed a two year, 8 million dollar contract): Naslund retired instead of playing the final year of the deal. A decision that I’m sure Sather forced Naslund to make at gun point. What a way to treat one of the best Canucks of all-time, huh? Sather doesn’t care about a player’s merits to the league. He only cares about spending money erratically, then suddenly trying take it all back, and getting his dick wet.

2008: Wade Redden (signed a six year, 39 million dollar contract): This signing blew up in his face almost immediately. Redden NEVER even came close to meeting the expectations of Sather and after two years he buried Redden (and his contract) in the minors. Do you think Sather gave a shit about the toll this situation took on Redden’s psyche? Do you think Sather ever thinks about those minor league players calling Redden names like “Methuselah” or “stupid, old piece of shit”? Nope, instead Sather uses a Redden jersey to wipe his ass after he takes a shit in his mansion. He uses the same jersey over and over and doesn’t wash it.

2009: Ales Kotalik (signed a three year, 9 million dollar contract): Which at the time, I actually thought was a good deal for the perennial twenty goal scorer, but he soon diminished into a worthless player and Sather managed to trick the Calgary Flames into taking him off their hands in exchange for Brandon Prust. He’s just lucky that the city of Calgary was recently declared the “most gullible city in the world”. In fact, last year the United States totally told Calgary that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. Sure enough… SLAP!

Glen Sather has always managed to get out of these horrible contracts and the Derek Boogaard situation is no different. Sather didn’t want to pay Boogaard anymore and he “took care of it”. But trading him or buying out the contract were too cliche at this point. Nah, Glen needed something edgy. Something that would really make headlines. Something that would surely guarantee his spot in Hell, right between George Steinbrenner and JD Salinger (both worse than Hitler). Now, I’m no detective, but I have seen enough commercials for L.A. Noire to know how to theorize some possible murder scenarios.

Brian McGrattan sure isn't going to miss Boogaard... POW!

GLEN SATHER MURDER PLOT #1

Derek Boogaard pulls his car up to his apartment in Minneapolis. He’s had a long, hard day donating time at the soup kitchen and is ready for some rest and relaxation. Little does he know that as he turns the key to open the door, Glen Sather is lurking in the closet of Derek’s bedroom. Sather jimmied open the window an hour earlier and has been pacing around the apartment until he heard Derek’s car. Derek enters the apartment, completely carefree, and hangs his jacket on the wall. He sorts through his mail, making a pile with the bills on the coffee table. Derek knows that he doesn’t have to pay them immediately, but he prefers to keep his credit score high so every month he pays the in full the minute they arrive. That’s when Sather leaps out of the closet with a syringe filled with poison and jams it into Derek’s neck. He slumps to the ground instantly. Sather pulls down Derek’s pants because he’s convinced he must have a bigger cock, but he needs to be sure. After being thoroughly disappointed in the dick results, he re-dresses Derek, and uses his bathroom where he proceeds to have terrible diarrhea. He doesn’t flush and then heats up a microwavable pizza without washing his hands. Derek’s family finds the body a few days later.

GLEN SATHER MURDER PLOT #2

Derek Boogaard is sitting in his lounge chair and reading the Wall Street Journal. He hears a knock on the door. “Puppy Delivery!”, shouts an unknown voice. Derek scratches his chin. “I don’t remember ordering any puppies”, says Derek. Regardless, Derek springs to action because he’s never been able to resist a free puppy and opens the door. Standing before him is Glen Sather, cleverly disguised as a Puppy Delivery Man (fake mustache). Derek signs for the puppy (a dachshund) and Sather lets out a maniacal laugh and sprints away. Derek shrugs his shoulders and closes the door. He prefers not to judge people and let them live their lives the way they wish. Derek places the puppy on the ground, declares it’s name to be “Sebastian”, and welcomes it to the house. Sebastian immediately pisses all over the floor. Derek, frantic to avoid any kind of infestation that would hurt his chances of re-upping his lease, runs to grab paper towels and cleaning spray. A little too quick, Derek slips on the piss and snaps his neck. Sather senses the job has been complete and initiates the puppy’s sleeper cell code. Sebastian begins to try and eat Derek’s brain (to avoid it being donated to science, Sather HATES science), but fails. Sather inevitably clicks his self-destruct button and the puppy incinerates.

Smoking in a cemetery, Glen? Have you no tact?

Recently, Derek Boogaard’s autopsy results have come to the public’s attention. On May 20, 2011, it was Boogaard’s death was ruled “accidental” by a Minnesota medical examiner. The results said that his death was caused by a mix of alcohol and oxycodone (a very strong painkiller, for my readers that happen NOT to be drug addicts). Now, I’m not going to start an intense, intellectualized debate with this medical examiner or anything, but he’s clearly full of shit. And anyone who believes this fabricated tale is just as full of shit, but on a more paramount level. Like, a level where the person’s blood and organs are literally replaced by human waste. Where a bowel movement hasn’t taken place in months, and the waste has begun to take up so much space within said person’s body that the organs have been dissolved within the excrement. And the blood has had the same effect as kids peeing in the pool. If enough kids pee in the pool, the water becomes pees. The ratio flips. I believe South Park taught us that. The same logic applies here. Eventually, there will be more excrement in this person’s body than blood, flipping the ratio, and effectively causing this person to be “full of shit”. How said person remains alive…? Hey, I’m no doctor, but I imagine it has something to do with the occultism.

Anyway, it’s clear as day that Glen Sather has already corrupted the Minnesota coroner’s offices and this particular medical examiner. He OBVIOUSLY couldn’t let the public suspect that foul play could have had any part in this tragedy. Derek Boogaard has an apparent cult following (like Club Dread, GREAT MOVIE) and people would be incensed. They would demand answers and the paper trail would eventually lead right to the dumpster Glen Sather takes his prostitutes to bang. Nah, a guy like Sather has to be crafty. Killing Boogaard took a lot of creativity and covering it up would require an equal amount, if not double the amount, of creativity as well. While performing the autopsy on Derek Boogaard the medical examiner surely noticed the poison in his veins and/or the bite marks on his head and/or the fingerprints on his dick and/or the smell of dog piss. The medical examiner would have been crazy with suspicion and would have gone straight to the media! Or at least he would have, had Glen Sather not been blocking the door and holding a 9mm. Sather would have simply “suggested” that the medical examiner take a closer look. That’s when Sather would poor a bottle of Jack Daniels into Derek’s open torso. He’d toss in a few oxycodone tabs and shrug his shoulders. “Everyone makes mistakes, right?”, Sather would say. The perspiration on the medical examiner’s forehead would start to drip down his face. He’d make a break for it! Sather would slap him in the face with the gun. From the ground the medical examiner would begin to weep asking “why”. Sather would spit on the ground and say “I’m just trying to save a little money, baby. Who knows what the salary cap will be next year, right?”

When this revelation comes to the world’s attention, and everyone discovers what a monster Glen Sather is (outside of managing the New York Rangers), this will surely be the main plot-line for L.A. Noire 2. Derek Boogaard was one of the toughest players in the NHL. He was feared. There isn’t much room for enforcers in the NHL these days, as the game gets faster and teams rely heavier on play-making, enforcers like Derek may find themselves out of jobs. Over the last few years concussions have risen and more laws are being instituted to protect the players. Many guys that play the game like Boogaard did are being suspended and their roles lessened. It’s very possible that Derek could be one of the last of his kind. His teammates have nothing but good things to say about him and his family is devastated as they mourn the loss of a man they describe as being a “teddy bear”. I can only hope that Glen Sather is brought to justice.

RIP: Derek Boogaard ( June 23, 1982 - May 13, 2011 )


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