Give Me Some Of That Hot, Sticky Rapture!

This entry was posted on May 17 2011

This one goes out to all the sinners in the audience tonight…


Yes, we’re finally a mere few days away from the Rapture and I for one couldn’t be more excited. This is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I mean, I’ve really been stressing about what direction I’m going to take my life, and now guess what? It doesn’t matter! Free pass! All that time spent worrying and planning was for nothing. That part is somewhat disappointing, but once I get up to Heaven and play my first round of frolf (Frisbee golf, for all you unbelievers) with Jesus, I’m sure I’ll forget all about it right quick. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely a few more things I wanted to accomplish during my time here on Earth. For one thing, I never got the chance to jerk off into the Grand Canyon. Something about that load floating over the ledge endlessly seemed poetic. I also really wanted to get involved in a threesome (the cool one, two chicks) and have the opportunity to leave them completely unsatisfied. Let’s face it, I have enough trouble trying to coax ONE woman into an orgasm, let alone two! And the prospect of ever going on tour with Smash Mouth as their special guest bassist is down the drain… Or is it? I’m pretty sure Steve Harwell has given up drugs and alcohol and turned his life around. If Smash Mouth gets raptured too, then we could still play together in Heaven! We’ll call it, “Joe and Steve’s 2011 Post-Rapture Tour” (or maybe they’ll just use the band’s name…) and everyone will be there! This is of course because Smash Mouth is the greatest band of all-time and would naturally be the official musical act of Heaven.

Jesus Christ does ten minutes of standup before their five hour sets!

For those of you who don’t know, this Saturday (05/21/11) is the Rapture. Alleged “crazy man”, Harold Camping, a Family Radio evangelist has made this declaration with gusto over the last few weeks. The Rapture of course, is the second coming of Christ where all true believers are taken to Heaven to avoid the final seven years of the end of the world, which will of course consist of constant torture, pain and suffering, and some incredible religious phenomena as the Anti-Christ rises to power and destroys the planet. So hey, it’s pretty much the perfect time to get with the program and join the club! Seriously, these last seven years, called the “Tribulation”, will be pretty lame for everyone. After the Rapture, there will still be millions of people “left behind”. Throughout these seven years, there will be three round of judgements dished out. There will be seven Seal Judgements, seven Trumpet Judgements, and seven Bowl Judgements. The latter being the worst of the three. Now, after the Rapture I won’t be around to guide you anymore. You need to understand that there will be no new articles on this website. I’ll be in Heaven shooting the shit with Saint Peter, playing Ashton Kutcher like pranks on the people waiting at the Pearly Gates. So, here’s a quick idea of what you’re going to be dealing with halfway through this ordeal…

This guy was actually there the first time Jesus was around, so you know you can trust him!


1) “The first angel sounded: And hail and fire followed, mingled with blood, and they were thrown to the earth; and a third of the trees were burned up, and all green grass was burned up.” (Revelations 8:7)

~~ You hear that? One third of the trees and grass will be burned. And that’s him just getting warmed up (get it?)! That means after school activities are really going to take a hit here. A lot of sports game are going to be cancelled. The fields are going to be ruined and you know self-righteous Yankees like Jorge Posada aren’t going to play on a scorched field! He’ll want that field re-sodded with Kentucky Blue Grass before he even picks up a bat. Then he’ll expect his golden milkshake to be prepared by Gordon Ramsey before taking his bath in scented oils and minerals shipped in from Milan. Fuck you, Jorge Posada! There are people out there that can only afford to have their scented oils and minerals imported from Albuquerque!

2) “Then the second angel sounded: And something like a great mountain burning with fire was thrown into the sea, and a third of the sea became blood; and a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.” (Revelations 8:8-9)

~~ No more yacht club for you, Jorge Posada! You selfish bag of shit! Oh, you wanted to go fishing this weekend after you did nothing to help your ball club avoid being swept by the Red Sox? Well, one third of the world’s fish are dead! So, your odds have diminished by less that half! The only people who are going to be hitting the beaches from now on will be vampires!

3) “Then the third angel sounded; And a great star fell from heaven, burning like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of the water; and the name of the star is wormwood; and a third of the waters became wormwood; and many men died from the water, because it was made bitter.” (Revelations 8:10-11)

~~ Wormwood, huh? Isn’t that an ingredient in Absinthe? Hmm, this judgement might not be so bad. I mean, with all the scorched Earth and bloody seas and Jorge Posada running rampant in the world, kicking back with a glass of Absinthe might be just what the Anti-Christ ordered. But I demand that Posada not be allowed to drink from our delicious Absinthe rivers and springs! Enjoy your Dom Pérignon, ASSHOLE!

4) “Then the fourth angel sounded: And a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of them was darkened; and a third of the day did not shine, and likewise the night. And I looked, and I heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, saying with a loud voice, “Woe, Woe, Woe to the inhabitants of the earth, because of the remaining blasts of the trumpet of the three angels who are about to sound!” (Revelations 8:12-13)

~~ Are you afraid of the dark? Yeah, that was an awesome 90s Nickelodeon show, but we’re here to talk about the end of the world, not amazing television programming!  I bet Jorge gets so scared of the dark that he has his THIRTY, that’s right, THIRTY slaves (he doesn’t care for the word “servants”, doesn’t think it’s cruel enough) light their clothes on fire to light his home at all times! And who do you think pays for their burn ward visits? Not King Jorge, because he doesn’t provide them with medical benefits. The only benefit they receive is the benefit of passing out from their burn wounds during Jorge’s daily beatings!

He wouldn't be caught DEAD drinking that slime! That's for the peasants, says Jorge "Prissy Bitch" Posada!

5) “Then the fifth angel sounded: and I saw a star fallen from heaven to the earth, and to him was given the key to the Bottomless Pit. And he opened the Bottomless Pit, and smoke arose out of the pit like the smoke of a great furnace. And the sun and the air were darkened because of the smoke of the pit. Then out of the smoke locusts came upon the earth. And to them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. They were commanded not to harm the grass of the earth, or any green thing, or any tree, but only those men who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. And they were not given authority to kill them, but to torment them for 5 months.

And their torment was like the torment of a scorpion when it strikes a man. In those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will desire to die, and death will flee from them.

And the shape of the locusts was like horses prepared for battle; and on their heads were crowns like gold, and their faces were like faces of men. They had hair like women’s hair, and their teeth were like lion’s teeth. And they had breastplates like breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the sound of chariots with many horses running into battle. They had tails like scorpions, and there were stings in their tails. And their power was to hurt men for 5 months. And they had a king over them the angel of the Bottomless Pit, whose name is Abaddon, but in Greek he has the name Apollyon.

One woe is past. Behold, still two more woes are coming after these things.” (Revelations 9:1-12)

~~ What? Are you hearing this? I’m so glad I’m going to be raptured, because that sounds fucking awful. I’m not even sure what else to say about this? Armored locusts that sting you into oblivion, but do not allow you to die? Apollyon…? Wouldn’t it just be easier for you people to believe in God? Nah, you people are just too stubborn. You refuse to believe in God or any of this “mumbo jumbo”, right? Psh, I bet you wouldn’t bat ninth in the order either…

6) “Then the sixth angel sounded: And I heard a voice from the four horns of the golden altar which is before God, saying to the sixth angel who had the trumpet, “Release the four angels who are bound at the great river Euphrates.” So the four angels, who had been prepared for the hour and day and month and year, WERE RELEASED TO KILL A THIRD OF MANKIND. Now the army of the horsemen was two hundred million, and I heard the number of them.

And then I saw the horses in the vision: those who sat on them had breastplates of fiery red, hyacinth blue, and sulfur yellow; and the heads of the horses were like the heads of lions; and out of their mouths came fire smoke, and brimstone. BY THESE THREE PLAGUES A THIRD OF MANKIND WAS KILLED – by the fire and the brimstone which came out of their mouths. For their power is in their mouth and in their tails; for their tails are like serpents, and having heads; and with them they do harm.

But the rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, did not repent of the works of their hands, that they should not worship demons, and idols of gold, silver, brass, stone and wood, which can neither see nor hear nor walk; and they did not repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts.” (Revelations 9:13-21)

~~ Four demonic angels riding lion-horses released from the Euphrates to slaughter one third of mankind… Wow. Just so you guys know, while THAT’S going on, I’ll be bluffing my way to the top playing Texas Hold-em with Christian movie stars, like Kirk Cameron and the guys from Boyz II Men! And you better believe it’s going to be a blast! Oh man, we’ll be sharing stories of the women we’ve loved and our favorite hobbies. Yeah, that’s what I’ll be doing while you Jorge Posadas are being raped and murdered, FYI.

7) “Then the seventh angel sounded: And there were loud voices in heaven, saying, “The kingdoms of this world have become the kingdoms of our Lord and His Christ, and He shall reign forever and ever!” And the twenty four elders who sat before God on their thrones fell on their faces and worshipped God saying: “We give you thanks, O Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was and who is to come, because You have taken Your great power and reigned. The nations were angry, and Your wrath has come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that you shall reward Your servants the prophets and the saints, and those who fear Your name, small and great, and should destroy those who destroy the earth.

Then the Temple of God was opened in heaven, and the Ark of His Covenant was seen in His Temple. And there were lightnings, noises, thunderings, an earthquake, and great hail.” (Revelations 11:15-19)

~~ I’m a little disappointed in this one because it’s more of a statement than a judgement, but there is still another entire series of judgements to go and they are much worse than these. I mean, if you thought Jorge Posada’s slanderous filth about Brian Cashman was bad, wait until you get to the Bowl Judgements. I’l totally be watching you guys burn on my HDTV in Heaven. I’m usually not into horror films, but I feel like I’ll have to make an exception for this one. It sounds like a once in a lifetime special!

Stop, Rapture Time!

** For complete lists and descriptions of the three series’ of judgements, check out these websites! Be prepared, baby!

Hey Joe, you seem pretty confident that you’ll be raptured, you smug son of a bitch! What makes you so sure?

First of all, it’s language like this that got you left behind to begin with. Have you people learned nothing so far? I like to imagine that God has taken a special interest in me. I picture God sitting up their in his Barcalounger (because he loved the show Friends) watching over me, eating some popcorn, and laughing hysterically at my lovable antics and shenanigans. Now, some people might describe this as “pride”, which some consider to be the worst of the seven deadly sins. And to that I say, bah! I don’t feel like I need to justify myself any further than that. My qualifications for getting raptured are (1) I believe in God, and (2) I’m NOT Jorge Posada (a crime that the Pope recently declared to be a new mortal sin).

“We live in a time where there is so much evil, but let it be known that the greatest evil we face today, is that of being like Jorge Posada. There truly is not a more vile and disgusting way to live your life, than that of the conceited Yankee DH. For real, the guy doesn’t even catch anymore. He can’t run or hit either. He should be glad he wasn’t released from the team, let alone benched. I’m surprised he was even able to hear the news of being dropped in the batting order considering how high his pedestal is. Seriously, what a jackass. Go Sox!”       ~ Pope Benedict XVI

Huge Red Sox fan! Ellsbury and Pedroia are his Krauts, ya heard?

So, now it’s waiting game. We’ll wait until Saturday when planes begin to fall from the sky because their pilots have been raptured. Trains will derail into orphanages around the country once their conductors disappear. Male porn-stars will be dumbfounded when their money shot hits the bedsheets rather than an eagerly awaiting woman, who inexplicably was a believer and therefore raptured. Producers of those ruined porn scenes will curse under their breath because casting took forever to find that girl and now they’ll need to replace her, rather than the fact they have been left behind.  Things will really get out of hand quickly. That being said, I guess the only question left to ask is… What’s everyone doing for the Rapture this weekend? I’m thinking… Arby’s?

The official food of the Rapture.

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