I’ll Hiatal Your Hernia!

This entry was posted on May 03 2011

Remember when you were a kid and your mom told you that you’ll never amount to anything because life is full of pain and misery, and no one ever accomplishes their goals, and it’s inevitable that you’ll be diagnosed with some kind of medical anomaly that will drag out your entire life and leave you poor, friendless, and miserable?

Of course you do. Every parent says that to their children. There are two reasons for this statement. (a) To motivate your child to work harder than they ever thought possible in spite of what their parent says and what life has dictated, and (b) Because it’s true. You have been put on this planet purely to suffer. God is a sadist and wants to watch his minions drown in a sea of shit. How do I know this? Well, my name finally popped up on the list. After twenty-three years with a pretty much flawless medical record, I’ve been diagnosed with something fierce and unholy.

I have a hiatal hernia.


hiatus hernia (also hiatal hernia)

noun Medicine

the protrusion of an organ, typically the stomach, through the esophageal opening in the diaphragm.


I could only find an image of this in Spanish. I didn't try very hard.

Joe, please don’t die! We haven’t gotten the opportunity and pleasure of making love to you yet!   ~ Every woman I haven’t slept with (yet)

I was going to keep this information quiet. I didn’t want to disturb the lives of all you healthy (for now) people. I knew the minute this bombshell was dropped people would riot in the streets and dedicate all their time to making sure I’m as comfortable as possible. Due to this horrible condition, I have to take not one, but TWO pills (morning and evening), or suffer the fatal consequences. The consequences being… Pretty consistent mid abdomen pain for a decent amount of time if I eat fatty fried foods, or pretty much anything with any sort of acidity. My life is over. That’s 95% of my diet.

Where did this come from? That’s the question I ask myself everyday. One answer could be stress. I’ve been pretty stressed for the last year or so and perhaps it has manifested itself into a hiatus hernia. The better answer? My mother. And she will pay with her life. She has this same condition. In fact, she’s passed many of her damn conditions to me via genetics! We both have astigmatisms in our eyes! We’re both neurotic and anxiety ridden! We’re both terrible with directions! Why is she doing this to me? I’ve not only been the best son a mother could ask for, but the best person alive. Why should I be punished for that?

Twenty-three years old is way too young to have a life long condition and takes pills every day. This will not stand. I feel like an old man. There’s only one logical solution and it’s something so sinister that I wonder if God will ever forgive me… Then again, since He may in fact be responsible for this, maybe it makes us even! Anyway, I’ve decided that if my stomach is all fucked up, I just need to find someone’s whose isn’t. Which leads me to my list of celebrities with strong stomachs that I will steal.


* The following people have been deemed famous enough to include in this article. Since they have excellent stomachs, I’ve decided to steal theirs and replace it with my bad one. This will require extensive cunning and surgery (that I will perform myself) to pull off. Some people will question if I have what it takes to abduct a celebrity and cut out their stomach… They must not know me very well. I’ve been training my entire life for something like this!

(1) Andrew Zimmern

The host of Bizarre Foods, Andrew Zimmern must have an incredible stomach. To me, it’s obvious. The guy eats bugs and placenta and horse dick. If any of us normal people tried fried grasshoppers or head cheese we’d vomit out our intestines. The blackest bile you’ve ever seen would pour uncontrollably out of our mouths for what would seem like an eternity. If any of us took a bite of lamb kidney or iguana, we’d be on the toilet for the rest of the week. Our stomachs have yet to evolve into the steel trap that is the stomach of Andrew Zimmern. He’s not human. He can’t be, because the human body was never meant to digest such things. The most outrageous thing the average human stomach should be able to handle is Hot Pockets’ new cheeseburger SideShots. They appear to be two cheeseburgers ground up and baked into a ball of dough. That’s what God had in mind when he designed out stomachs. He said, “that’s the most these things are gonna be able to handle”. Andrew Zimmern said “nay”. He wanted a free ride in a fancy car (eat weird shit)! Not on my watch…

Plan To Steal Andrew Zimmern’s Stomach ~ Andrew Zimmern gets a enormous erection whenever his producer finds a new thing for him to eat. The weirder the better. So, I’ll buy a plane ticket to Zimbabwe and make my stay in some shithole village. There, I will dress up like a huge, disgusting bug. This gigantic bug and the people who live there will tell Zimmern the story of how it’s a delicacy to eat this giant bug alive. Zimmern’s producer, after I pay him off, we’ll send Andrew after this bug. Right as Zimmern is about to a take a huge bite out of me, I pop out of the bug costume and stab him in the neck with a syringe of tranquilizer. The poverty stricken shamans of Zimbabwe will help me drag him to one of their huts where we will perform ritualistic, amateur surgery on him (without anesthesia) and take out his stomach. I’ll bring it with me back to the States. The only question is how will I get that stomach through customs? I might have to hide it in my ass…

We'll feed this kid to Andrew Zimmern as an appetizer.

(2) Joe Rogan

He was the host of Fear Factor. He I say more? The stared into the eyes of men and women who were choking down buffalo testicles and live Madagascar hissing cockroaches. Contestants had maggots and night crawlers hanging out of their mouths as they violently threw up into a bucket. And Joe Rogan never even broke a sweat. Week after week he’d watch this shit and never did he even gag. I know people who faint and throw up if they see someone bleeding from a paper cut. Needless to say I don’t closely associate with those people. Anyone who can watch that show LIVE, in person, day in day out, MUST have a great stomach. Hence why I need Joe’s stomach.

Plan To Steal Joe Rogan’s Stomach ~ Now, Joe Rogan may in fact be the biggest comedian around these days. I can’t think of anyone more popular off the top of my head. That being said, we’ll need a crafty plan to pull him away from his booming career. That’s why we schedule a Fear Factor Reunion Show. Or atlas that’s what we tell him… We’ll bring back some of the schmucks that won a few episodes years back and we’ll stage the first event. The first event will be a re-do of a prior test. A huge metal trough filled with cow blood will sit in the middle of the room. Rogan will start tp explain the task to the contestants. He’ll be standing dangerously close to the basin. That’s when I erupt from the blood, wearing black goggles and breathing through am oxygen tank. I’m wielding a machete that I expertly swing at Joe’s lower abdomen. The slice is perfect and Joe’s stomach pours out of him and is caught by one of my interns. Both of us are rushed to separate hospitals (mine being a better one). And that’s the end of that chapter!

(3) Buzz Aldrin

Astronauts have strong stomachs. That’s a give in. Considering all the basic training they have to go through you’d be hard pressed to find an astronaut that loses his lunch riding in the backseat a truck. Buzz Aldrin is somehow still alive and I think that makes him a prime candidate to forcibly take his vital organs. He was one of the first men to walk on the moon. His resumes certainly precedes him. Not to mention he was on season ten of Dancing With The Stars. He not only able to shake his groove thing at the ripe old age of two hundred, but he was able to be in Kate Gosselin’s presence for much of the season without vomiting all over his dancing partner.

Plan To Steal Buzz Aldrin’s Stomach ~ That being said, he’s still a stubborn old man who’s set in his ways. The first thing I thought of was heading down to his nursing home, bribing (and banging) his probably hot female nurse, breaking into his little apartment, and convincing him that the government needed him to donate his stomach to Ronald Reagan so it could go back to the moon to assassinate Hitler. For a senile piece of shit, that’s the perfect plan. Unfortunately, Aldrin somehow still seems pretty coherent. So, I’ll probably just have to hit him over the head with a lead pipe. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s probably going to kill him, but this is for the greater good, right?

There's no way his parents are still alive. And what's "canasta" mean? Is that old time language for sex? Changing his colostomy bag?

(4) Artie Lange

The massive amount of drugs and alcohol Lange’s stomach has probably fought through makes this idea astounding enough, but what really gets me interested in this fat fuck is his 2010 suicide attempt. On January 2, 2010, Lange tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself over and over again in the abdomen with a thirteen inch kitchen knife. What? And he’s still alive…? Most people would attribute the fact that he’s still alive to the amazing surgeons over at Jersey City Medical Center, but I think those guys get enough credit already! Lange’s still alive because that stomach is a steel trap. Ain’t nothing gonna break it’s stride! I need it!

Plan To Steal Artie Lange’s Stomach ~ So, I’ll call up Artie Lange and do my famed impression of his agent. I’ll tell him Beer League 2 is ready to be shot and to get over to my backyard pronto. When Lange arrives, he and I will drink Guinness  and play tee ball in my backyard under the hot sun until we both pass out. That just sounds like a really fun time. Then, when I inevitably wake up before him, I’ll take out the same kitchen knife Lange tried to kill himself with (for the irony) and slice that pig up like a Hanukkah ham. I’ll do it myself this time around because paying for all those other botched celebrity amateur surgeries were starting to add up and ruin my credit score. After retrieving Lange’s stomach I’ll be too afraid to cut myself open, so I’ll try to swallow his stomach in hopes that it will eat my own when it gets down there. I’ll of course choke and gag and throw up on myself before ever coming close to accomplishing this absurd feat Proving once again that my current stomach sucks.

(5) Frank “Cannonball” Richards

I realize no one probably knows who this guy is, so…

If that's what he can take in the front, imagine what he can take in the back...

Remember now? Of course you do, because the Simpsons did a whole episode parodying this. You’ve got to imagine this guy’s stomach is strong if he can take multiple cannonballs in the guy a day. Now, this man is dead. Which poses an interesting question as to how I get his stomach. The way I see it… Richards was a huge stud back in his hay day. Women wanted that dick. He would bang five to ten women after every performance. And back in those days condoms were only used to keep your bananas fresh longer.

My research tells me Richards has probably impregnated up to seventy women. I imagine that at least 100% of those women had abortions (who would want to rear that freak’s kid?). However, at least five of them botched those abortions. Those unwanted children are still roaming around this planet looking for souls to collect and I need to find them. Genetics alone would be enough proof for me to believe they have the same incredible stomach as their sideshow father, but the fact that they survived an abortion! Fuhgeddaboudit!


Now that I think about it… I’ve never even come close to any celebrities, nor would I know where to find or contact them. I’m also awful at networking. I guess the simplest thing I could do would be to have surgery. Which I’ve kind of been planning for the last month or so. As long as my insurance will cover it that seems like the best option. I suppose that pretty much makes this whole article superfluous. Hmm. Interesting. Well, not interesting. More like annoying. Anyway… Umm. Thanks for reading!

One Response to “I’ll Hiatal Your Hernia!”

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