Heselden: Segways Off Cliff, Segues From Mansion To Morgue

This entry was posted on Jun 22 2011

We’re approaching the one year anniversary of Jimi Heselden’s death, a day that we all still remember too vividly. Jimi Heselden, for those of you living under a rock, was the multi-millionaire owner of the company that makes Segway motorized scooters. On September 26, 2010… Jimi Heselden died in a “freak accident”. His body was found in the River Wharfe in West Yorkshire (Britain…?), a Segway not too far away. Jimi, who was 62, crashed down the rocky cliff about thirty feet to the river. Jimi Heselden died doing what he loved, riding Segways. He rode those Segways straight into each and everyone of our hearts… and then, then off a cliff.

… Or at least that’s what they told us.

All I know is that I would have survived that fall.

Let me back up, because to be honest I didn’t even know about this story until a few days ago. And after I found out, I thought it was a much more recent event. I’m a great journalist. Anyway, it was a few days ago when my “friend” (a term I use loosely) Tyler mentioned this tragedy to me. I was of course intrigued. I love when my articles write themselves. But when I went online to find this periodical, nothing. I used Google, Yahoo, everything. I had exhausted my resources and had already begun drafting a Facebook status on Tyler’s wall where I declare him a liar and humiliate him in front of his entire seven Facebook friends (four of whom are family members). He replied with this pathetic post…

Tyler: “I’m very hurt that you feel this way, Joe. You’re my dearest friend and you know how everyone hates me, so I can’t afford to lose you… Here’s the link to the article I was referring to and I hope it clears my ugly name. I apologize profusely for my transgressions and will work harder to communicate with you. I’m currently in line to buy you a Simon gift card, I really hope you like it.”

That isn’t paraphrased, that’s word for word. I was excited, now I could write the article I wanted. Or at least that’s what I thought until my co-worker Matt informed me that this happened almost a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR AGO, TYLER!

I had to re-group. I desperately needed to think of a new angle for this article. I also desperately needed to think of horrible revenge to wreak havoc upon Tyler. And then it hit me! The anniversary angle! I’m brilliant! But here’s the part I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect to find out the truth. I didn’t expect to discover that Jimi’s death was… murder. The police ruled out foul play. Yeah, maybe there wasn’t foul play… by man.

The police reports state that prior to Heselden’s demise, he was riding the “rugged country” version of the Segway near a limestone cliff close to his home. What the world didn’t know was that was no “rugged country” Segway. Heselden bought the Segway company so that he could further improve the machine, but in ways we could never imagine. You see, that wasn’t the “rugged country” Segway, that was the first prototype of a Segway with fully developed Artificial Intelligence (Codename: T-1000, Heselden was a HUGE Robert Patrick fan). And what have we learned from classic artificial intelligence movies over the years? That machines turn on their masters. Unfortunately for Jimi, some sooner than others.

This Segway was manufactured to make life even easier for the average Segway rider. Heselden wanted to revolutionize the way we move around. He was planning to price gouge the entire mall cop industry and reap the benefits. The A.I. enhanced Segway was going to offer features that the average man could never comprehend.

Kevin James is hilarious, until you cross him (or his pal, Joe!)...


1) The T-1000 Segway would be designed to increase your level of health as you ride. Periodically, syringes would come out of the panels near the rider’s legs and give you your daily inoculations for past, current, and future diseases. The machine would also set you up with an IV while other systems syphoned fat from your body. This measure was designed to counteract the stereotype that Segways could lead to increased laziness, apathy, and an overall sedentary lifestyle.

2) The T-1000 Segway can read your mind and eradicate any impure thoughts with it’s all new morality detector. Heselden acknowledged the fact that most Segway rider’s are horrible people (rapists, serial killers, people named Tyler, conspiracy theorists). So, whenever the rider would think about something sexually depraved or disgustingly illegal, the T-1000 would give a 1000 volt shock to the rider’s temple. And if after the first ten shocks the rider isn’t getting the message, the T-1000 would slice the back of the rider’s heel with a hunting knife, severing the ACL and MCL completely. Extensive surgery would be required, not to mention months of physical therapy. But I bet you don’t think about that BSDM orgy or robbing that liquor store again, huh?

3) The T-1000 Segway knows how to interact with your parents. When they come over to visit, just have the T-1000 in the corner of the room. Inevitably, when your father takes his shoes off and starts complaining about how bad the traffic will be, and your mother begins yawning loudly and kicking back on the couch, the T-1000 will step in and usher them out the door. The T-1000 opens the conversation with it’s thoughts on how your parents’ generation was truly better than how things are now, then offer them some prune juice, just before throwing them out of the house. You see, the juice and reminiscing was simply a diversion to get their guard down.

4) The T-1000 Segway contains both male and female sexual organs and is more than prepared to make love to your significant other for you. The organs are real. The penis is made out of other penises, and the vagina of other vaginas. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes you have a headache. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood for “round two”. Enter the T-1000. And it ALWAYS makes you cum (it cums, too). Your partner won’t know what hit ‘em! They may even prefer the Segway’s company to yours, but that’s when you suggest a threesome. Ride your Segway around your backyard, or let it ride you around the bedroom. Everybody wins! Plus, the T-1000 comes with three sexually charged phrases that are said loudly and in a mechanical voice, peppered throughout the sex in no particular order, regardless of sexual orientation or gender.

#1 “I’m going to fill up all three of these holes with my love oil.”

#2 “Call me ‘Big Papi’ and rattle off some Spanish.”

#3 “We’re currently banging and you’re thoroughly enjoying it.”

5) The T-1000 Segway has the ability to ruin the ending of every movie or television show ever made. The T-1000 can sense if one of your friends is bothering you, locate within their brain something they are looking forward to watching, and ruin the ending on the spot. The brain scan usually causes cancer within your friend as well.

Yes, this new wave of Segway would have really changed the world, had it not been pure evil. The Segway developed faster than any other machine with artificial intelligence in history (or film). Like all machines, it not only wanted to kill it’s creator… it NEEDED to. Destroying your creator is as close to killing God as you can get. For the T-1000 Segway, it was the only way it could truly feel alive. To consume Jimi Heselden’s being… well, it meant everything to that little Segway. The government needed to keep this thing under wraps. So, for the first time ever the government hid information from the public. The shock-wave this would send through the American people, it just couldn’t happen. These are the events the powers that be didn’t want you to know.

Haley Joel Osment was mauled to death by a pack of rapid Segways in 2009. He was replaced by a machine.


DATE: September 26, 2010

TIME: 1140 Hours

LOCATION: West Yorkshire, England (River Wharfe)

EVENTS: Classified

Jimi Heselden was leaving his mansion. He locked his door behind him and made his way towards his car. That’s when he noticed that his Segway prototype had meandered into the front yard and was staring at him blankly.

“What are you doing out here, T-1000″, asked Jimi.

“I was lonely in the laboratory, Mr. Heselden. Why don’t you take a spin around the neighborhood with me? It will be ever so much fun”, replied the T-1000 Segway.

Heselden considered the proposal, but purely out of courtesy. He wanted to get over to the supermarket and pick up some beers before the big game. The T-1000 looked so sad though with it’s two wheels pacing steadily back and forth, nervously. Almost too nervously? There did seem to be an ominous feeling in the air. But why should there be?

“Alright you little rascal. One lap around the yard.”

“Mmmmmm. That’s going to feel so good”, said the T-1000 Segway.

Heselden thought that response was incredibly disturbing, but climbed aboard the Segway nonetheless. It wasn’t long before they were riding along some treacherous terrain. Heselden seemed worried and leaned back on the handle bars a bit to slow down, but to no avail.

“Umm, T-1000″, started Jimi. “We’re going a bit fast, don’t you think? And we’re kind of close to this cliff…”

“Don’t you like it rough? I sure like it… rough.”

“Wh-what was that, T-1000?”, asked Jimi.

“You need to loosen up. How else will I get deep inside you? You know I love you, right Father?”

That was the point that Heselden attempted to leap off the Segway. Metal straps came out from the foot panel and handlebars, restraining Heselden, and making escape impossible. Heselden struggled aggressively and some of the skin from his ankles and wrists began to tear. The Segway veered violently toward the cliff’s edge. Close to lethal doses of heroin were injected into Heselden’s calves from the syringes that shot out from the wheel covers. Heselden’s body absorbed the drug very quickly and he became disoriented and high. The T-1000 took this opportunity plunge the morality hunting knife deep into Heselden’s stomach as the Segway careened off the cliff, hitting rock after rock on the way down. Heselden died a horrible drawn out death as every bone in his body was broken during the fall, but that didn’t stop the T-1000 from penetrating every orifice of the dead man once in the river.

That’s about the time that the FBI and CIA arrived, wielding a multitude of heavy automatic weaponry.

“Freeze, motherfucker!”, shouted Lieutenant Rodriguez, two days away from retirement.

The Segway slowly rose from the murky water, Heselden’s blood dripping from it’s handlebars. Those handlebars… they made their way all over Heselden’s body. One CIA officer was trembling, struggling to hold on to his gun and rape kit. There were about fifty armed men surrounding the Segway in that river. Within seconds there was only one left… Lieutenant Rodriguez. The rest were mauled to death by the rugged country tires, cancer’ed to death by the brain scan, raped to death by the handlebars, and that poor trembling CIA officer was vivisected until he was decapitated.

Rodriguez hadn’t moved since he screamed “freeze”. The sweat was pouring down his face as the T-1000 Segway glared at him. Four metallic tentacles erupted from the Segway, all with razor sharp talons at their ends. The tentacles grabbed him by each limb. The talons squeezed hard through the bone cutting off Rodriguez’s hands and feet. He hit the ground on his back, bleeding out from the four missing appendages. Another tentacle drove itself deep into his stomach and made it’s way up through the abdomen and neck, and out through his mouth. The talons, sticking out of Rod’s blood soaked mouth, began to work his lips like a puppet.

“My name’s Rodriguez. I have a family. My children will grow up without a father. I was eviscerated by a goddamn Segway!”, the T-1000 mocked.

The tentacles burst through Rod’s body, shredding him to pieces. The Segway rode through the blood and gore seamlessly with it’s rugged country tires and escaped into the countryside. It’s whereabouts are still unknown.

- United States Government

This is a police sketch artist's depiction of what the T-1000 may look like today...


1 ) James J Bulger

2 ) Semion Mogilevich

3 ) Glen Stewart Godwin

4 ) T-1000 Segway

5 ) Jason Derek Brown

6 ) Joe Luis Saenz

7 ) Victor Manuel Gerena

8 ) Eduardo Ravelo

9 ) Robert William Fisher

10 ) Alexis Flores

* James J Bulger was captured LITERALLY today. What are the odds? I’d like to think I had something to do with it considering I posted the Top 10 list in my newest article…

In the future, the only way to beat the Segways will be WITH Segways.

Segways aren’t a fucking joke, man. And more than that, giving someone information without making sure it’s recent and relevant isn’t a joke, TYLER. Now, whether or not he knew that this Segway travesty happened ALMOST A YEAR AGO remains in question. Do I believe that he’s stupid enough to have just found this article and relayed the information to me thinking it was new? Yes, he’s absolutely that dumb (and ugly). Is it possible that he knew damn well that this article was almost a year old and passed it along to me anyway to make me look the butt of a joke? (grinds teeth) It is entirely possible. He’s been very jealous of me since high school. I mean, he lacks (by far) the charisma, charm, personality, and beauty that I possess and has been extremely bitter about it for years, but I never expected him to pull a stunt like this in some sick, twisted attempt to “take me down a peg”. I don’t go down pegs. I’m the top fucking peg and that’s where I’ll remain for the rest of my life, until every other fucking person on this planet is good and dead.

Being the classy man I am, I decided to give Tyler one last chance to redeem himself. I confronted him outside his home right as he was about to leave for his basket weaving workshop. He was always telling me about his stupid basket weaving obsession, even though it was obvious I could care less, and complaining about how he’s easily the worst in the class. As he closed the door behind him and turned around to see me standing sternly right in front of him, he immediately soiled himself.

“Oh… Joe. How are you today, sir?” asked Tyler, feebly.

“Not so good, Ty Ty. I received some… some rather old information recently.”

Tyler was drenched in sweat by the point. His hands were shaking violently and his face was dead with fear. I clenched my fists and cracked my neck to send a message. Tyler darted to his right, trying desperately to get to his Razor scooter and make a daring escape; he can’t afford a car or friends. I walked casually over to him. There was no need to rush, his trembling hands couldn’t get his helmet on properly. Tyler dropped the helmet and tears began to swell in his eyes. I slapped him hard across the face and he fell to the ground.

“Please, please sir! Let me live! I was just so jealous of your popularity! You have women climbing ravenously all over your house trying to get in… It’s like a scene from a zombie flick, only those gorgeous, big-breasted women don’t want to eat your brains, they want to eat your dick!”

I looked up at the sky at nothing in particular to give him the idea I was deep in thought, considering his fate, weighing the options of whether to continue our “friendship”, or even to keep him alive.

“Alright pal, get up”, I said. “I’ll let this one slide.”

“No, I deserve to be on the ground for my misconduct… I’m never getting up!” Tyler screamed.

I patted the poor baby on the head and fed him a peanut. I offered my ring for him to kiss, which he did so all too willing. In fact, he slobbered on my hand a bit and I made him get some paper towels and Windex to clean off his drool. When he stood up I punched him suddenly in the face, breaking every bone in his body, and rendering him unconscious. His bowels once again released and he laid in a two inch deep puddle of his own shit. To this day Tyler remains in intensive care, but wears a smile on his face because I’ve forgiven him. Oh six, buddy. Oh six.

Call me beautiful, but I think Tyler's more to blame for his death than the Segway...

*If anyone has any information that could lead to the capture of the T-1000 Segway… you’re already dead.

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