Man VS Food… and food won.

This entry was posted on Jun 11 2011

If there is one thing that this site is known for it’s hardcore journalism. Our relentless dedication to the facts and bringing you the truth is unwavering even if the news saddens us.  I told you the truth when I reported on how Malcolm X was abducted by racist aliens carrying out the orders of their leader Elvis, I didn’t omit a single fact when I reported to you on how KFC’s chicken is actually genetically engineered mongoose, and sure as hell didn’t hold anything back when I reported that Joe only brushes his teeth twice a week and masturbates to a 6X10 Justin Bieber poster (which black light testing confirmed). So rest assured that what I’m about to report to you today is nothing but the truth. Don’t question any of it and accept it as fact. This is 2011 and critical thinking is for jackasses.  American hero and host of the show Man VS Food has been told by doctors that he has 6 months to live!

You’ve seen Man VS Food. If you are on this website and reading this page then I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you are either a woman with very large and perky breasts or a man of supreme intelligence. If you are either of those things then that probably means you’ve seen (or at least heard of) the terrific show Man Vs Food. The show’s host Adam Richman takes on food challenges of mammoth proportions from around the country.  The second star is Adam Richman, the man with an Iron Stomach. He is a very funny quick witted New Yorker who is brave enough to take on food challenges of mammoth proportions and talented enough to entertain us. The other appealing quality of Adam is that he is human. He is not a competitive eater in the mold of Joey Chestnut and he sometimes loses the competitions. That adds a level of intrigue to the show because often enough the viewer gets caught up in the drama of whether Adam will succeed or fail.

Who would have thought eating that many pancakes wouldn't be good for your health?

It seems as though years of grueling food challenges such as eating an 8 pound steak or 3 pounds of ice cream or a 6 pound burrito has taken it’s toll. Doctors have informed the Travel Channel star that he has less than 6 months to live. Sources tell me that Adam Richman’s stomach is broken beyond repair. The medical term for the condition is gastronomical colorectal corrosion. It’s such a rare condition that if you attempt to look it up on the internet or in any medical journal you won’t find anything written about it. What you need to know is that essentially the lining of his stomach has all but eroded away and now resembles swiss cheese. During a taping of an episode last year where he had to eat 50 corn dogs in a minute, one of the corn dogs (which he was swallowing whole) escaped through one of the holes in his stomach and entered his chest cavity. He had to be operated on. The emergency surgery was successful and the corn dog was removed, but that event served as a warning for Richman and the Travel Channel Executives, that his body just couldn’t handle the strain anymore.

It was decided after that incident that Richman needed a break from competing in the challenges to get healthy. I remember watching Man VS Food: Carnivore Chronicles and being puzzled by the episodes that were made up of old previously aired Man Vs Food episodes and re-edited with a new title. It was then I first become suspicious. Just the other day after turning on the television and seeing yet another reincarnation of the show called Man VS Food Nation I knew something was horribly wrong. This time Richman was traveling the country and “coaching” other people as they participated in the challenges and he watched. I knew there was only one thing that would keep him out of these challenges…  It was time for me to investigate.

He had sex with all those girls... after he ate that entire pizza. He was an American hero.

Adam Richman posted a note on the Travel Channel website insisting to all his fans that he was not sick in any way but just needed a break from the challenges. Unfortunately that wasn’t true. It’s in Adam’s contract that should he fall gravely ill from taping the show he must never acknowledge that it was shooting the show that did it. The Travel  Channel refuse to publicly acknowledge that their show is dangerous. They know they have a hit on their hands and they are already preparing for life post-Richman. They have begun casting for a new host and Man VS Food Nation is designed to ween viewers off Richman before he dies.

How has Adam coped? Not well. Sources say that when he was informed of his condition he was also clearly told that he was only allowed liquid foods. Adam’s favorite past time: eating was taken away from him and he did not take it well. He has filled the void in his life left by the absence of solid food with angry sex. He has been soliciting prostitutes on a regular basis to the point where the Travel Channel had considered offering him a new show called Man VS Hooker where he would have rough sex with hookers from all over the country. This idea was put to rest after an accident while shooting the pilot episode. Sources say Adam accidentally (or maybe on purpose) cut the throat of the hooker he was having sex with while holding a hunting knife to her throat as he usually does (for added stimulation).

Seven prostitutes have gone missing in Brooklyn (Richman’s home town) in the last 3 months. Many of the working girls are afraid to go to work and are very weary of any car that smells like fast food or takeout. The seven missing girls were all seen leaving in a Honda civic with tinted windows that reeked of bacon and they were never seen again.

Celeste went missing that night and hasn't been seen since...

My sources tell me that Richman has decided he can no longer subsist on a liquid diet (possibly hooker blood) and is going to resume eating solid food again against doctors orders. As a result he’s been informed that he has less than 6 months to live. To this day he continues to have night terrors involving hot dogs raping him and his mother at gun point. Sources say he has been hallucinating a racist piece of pumpernickel bread following him around town shouting racial epitaphs at him while he shops.

I for one am very saddened by this news. To me Man VS Food was an American Classic and Adam Richman was an American hero (except for when he was killing the hookers). All we can hope for is that he finds peace in his final days before he passes away and moves on to the big all you can eat buffet in the sky.

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