Helen Hunt Should Have Been Cast Away’d To Hell!

This entry was posted on Jul 26 2011

If you have yet to see Cast Away this article is lost on you. Also, what are you waiting for? Cast Away was a cinematic masterpiece and if you ask me, Tom Hanks’ best performance. And yes I’ve looked up his filmography, this was his best. I know he was in a plethora of other incredible films, but this is my opinion, and therefore the opinion of everyone else. But if that’s true, you shouldn’t even be arguing this point with me. You should be agreeing with me wholeheartedly. That being said, thank you for the compliment (you complimented my taste in movies, my opinions, and the way I dress), and we can now continue with the article. Right?

You're beautiful, Tom Hanks.

Seriously, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, fuck off. I’m not going to explain the plot and there’s going to be plenty of spoilers. You should have seen it by now. It was breathtaking. Robert Zemeckis can die a happy man knowing he directed it. I’ve recently re-watched Cast Away and I’m still impressed. But one thing still rather bothers me. I’ve always had a problem with it and I finally have the means of venting properly. In an otherwise flawless movie, I did happen to have a problem with one thing: Helen Hunt. Let’s put aside any confusion. I don’t have a problem with Helen Hunt the actress (who didn’t love Mad About You? And Twister!), I have a problem with Helen Hunt’s character in the film (Kelly). Kelly, and excuse my language here, was an emotionless, cold-hearted piece of shit. A real bitch. And the point of this article from here on out will be to prove this point using hard evidence from the film itself. Evidence no one will be able to dismiss.

Tom Hanks plays Chuck Noland in the film, and Chuck is in a committed relationship with Kelly Frears. My first act of business will be proving that they were in fact in said committed relationship. You see, Chuck and Kelly were sharing a house together in Memphis, Tennessee. Not an apartment or condo, they lived together in a house. In the film, let’s guess their ages to be anywhere between 35 and 40. Living together in a situation like that is not something people just jump into. Especially considering neither character in a bum. If they were bums slumming it up together, that would be a different story. But Chuck makes a nice living and both are very well put together. It’s also established that they want to get married soon. Chuck’s busy schedule as a systems analyst for Fed Ex usually interferes with their life, but on Christmas he gives her a ring box and tells her not to open it until he gets back from his next business trip. He doesn’t come back, his plane crashes. Living together, soon to be engaged… sounds pretty serious. In fact, the conversations between the two of them and the family around the Christmas dinner table make it sound like a wedding is long overdue. I’m going to say that these two have been seeing each other anywhere from four to seven years.

It was all about looks for you, wasn't it Kelly?

Chuck spends the next four years on a deserted island. The only thing that kept him going was his will to survive and his love for Kelly (how many nights did he look at that watch with her picture in it?). When he comes back he discovers his friends and family have given him up for dead and even had a funeral. Fair enough, it’s been four years since his plane crashed. Oh, and it turns out Kelly has married someone else. Alright, still not so crazy. But when we witness Kelly getting the phone call of Chuck’s arrival, she faints, and we see her husband FEEDING THEIR DAUGHTER. What? How long did she mourn before moving on, getting married, and queefing out some brat kid?

The scene I just described can be watched here:

Freeze the video at 0:19. That’s not a new born, is it? Study the screen. Their daughter has moved past baby food since the husband (Jerry) is feeding it. Their daughter is sitting upright in a high chair. Must have enough strength to do that. There’s a bottle on the table, too. I asked a few people (women and parents) to give me an approximate age of their daughter and most of them agreed that it was somewhere between one and two years old. So, while Chuck was on that island, at times contemplating suicide, Kelly moved on rather quickly and had some guy come inside of her to make a baby. Real classy.

Wilson gave him more love than you ever did, whore!

Chuck’s gone four years. We’ve got four years to cover here. Let’s say their daughter is one year old, to give Kelly a chance. Then we need nine months of pregnancy. Let’s say Kelly and Jerry dated for six months before getting married, because people close to their forties usually get hitched a little quicker than younger people. They don’t have as much time to dick around, ya know? And these days people don’t have children immediately after getting married. They want some alone time. And even though I think it might have happened quicker, let’s say they wait six months before having a baby. One year plus nine months plus six months plus six months. That’s close to three years of rushed occurrences. That’s me being a great guy and giving her some credit. Because their daughter is probably older and they probably dated longer than six months and they probably waited longer to get pregnant as well. So, almost three years. That would mean Kelly would have mourned the loss of Chuck for one year and three months before moving on with someone else, getting married, and having a child. And I’m pretty sure she mourned for less time. You were going to marry Chuck, you heartless whore! A little over a fucking year?! That’s not enough time! They didn’t even find his fucking body!

At some point soon after his arrival back home, Chuck goes to visit Kelly. She invites him in and they catch up, Kelly mostly telling him stories of how things have changed since he’s been gone. After a while of talking Kelly gives Chuck the keys to his car which she has kept in pretty good condition. It was the least she could do, right? I’m surprised she didn’t ask him for some cash to cover the maintenance. Anyway, as Chuck starts driving away Kelly runs out into the rain shouting his name and Chuck reverses back. Kelly confesses her love for him and they kiss and embrace. They sit in the car together and they apologize about all that’s happened (what’s he have to apologize for?), but inevitably know they can’t be together. Kelly has a new life that she’s made a commitment to and can’t abandon them. So, in her last moment to be with Chuck, she makes out with him and tells him how much she loves him and then… get out of here. Way to get his hopes up and crush him. What a bitch.

Maybe Chuck should have been able to read between the lines, but I still blame her!

Want a few more fun facts? Kelly’s new husband is Jerry Lovett, one Chuck’s dentists. Unbelievable. She couldn’t even find a brand new guy, she had to find one that Chuck already knew and bang him. Oh, and when Kelly kisses Chuck in the pouring rain… Um, excuse me, but don’t you have a husband and daughter inside? Boom, now she’s committing an infidelity. Not that I care so much about Jerry’s feelings, but I do care about the sanctity of marriage. Something Kelly would know nothing about! She’s juggling men left and right and ruining lives up and down! What is wrong with this woman? Get your hormones in check along with your goddamn brain!

So, there you have it. Is there really any doubt left in your mind that Kelly wasn’t worth the skin she wore? There shouldn’t be. I laid these facts out in front of you like an all you can eat buffet! Gobble up those facts and believe in evil! Helen Hunt pretty much played the Devil in Cast Away. She made someone fall in love with her only to look for someone else the minute he got lost. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Kelly that sabotaged that plane! Is it so crazy? It was no secret she hated his time consuming career and wanted him around more. Around more, or out of the picture! That was her motto! In the end, Helen Hunt didn’t care about the character Tom Hanks portrayed, she just wanted to get dick’d.

Very graphic, very wrong. We can all disagree with this guy, right?

44 Responses to “Helen Hunt Should Have Been Cast Away’d To Hell!”

  1. LOL at the picture of Tom and Helen.

  2. Wow. I just finished watching Cast Away for the second time and I too picked up on Kelly’s whorish ways. I was Googling how old the daughter was so I could piece the timeline when I came across this very informative article. I salute you. And fucking A on the pic afore mentioned. Lol

  3. I agree with everything i have read. I watched the film an suspected Kelly of being a massive whore. It crossed my mind that she was also that whale. I think that Chuck should have just thrown Wilson right into the daughters face to pay for her deception.

  4. Guys, these three comments have made my millennium. YOU PEOPLE GET ME. It’s about time that a small collective of geniuses like us got together via “the internet” and told it like it is. Still love the movie, but that girl was a ho, fo sho!

  5. I hate SOBs like Kelly’s husband. He would’ve pursued her from the moment Chuck went missing.

  6. I agree. She’s the definition of bitch.

  7. Agree! What gets me is that she goes so far as to say, “I knew you were alive! I just knew it!” I’m shocked he didn’t say “Well wtf?!?!!! You knew I was alive, huh?? Thanks for waiting for me.. The love of your life!! Tch!!” >:(

  8. She was a bitch! A heartless bitch! She could’ve at least waited 4 years! It takes two years to pronounce someone legally dead! Give him at least another 2 years if she claimed that she freaking “believed” he was alive which she obviously didn’t…

  9. I hate that character so much, it never sat well with me the bs timeline of her new life. But Chuck gets the last laugh, because he turns back to the wings farm, marries that hot ginger and has 5 kids. Kelly remarries Jerry’s Barber, when he gets in a long traffic jam one afternoon!

  10. Always thought it was crazy she moved on so quickly. But I think it was written that way to show Hanks’ character had an awakening while on the island; sort of a new lease on life with a whole new outlook on life. He had become somewhat of a different person. He couldn’t have really made that work by going back to his old life. The woman on the ranch was his soulmate. He just never knew it.

  11. All these comments made me laugh my ass off while hungover thanks for the headache

  12. HAHAHAHA so, the first handful of times I watched this movie it never occurred to me that she moved on so fast, but after not watching it for 10 years or so I just watched again… now that I’m older and wiser it bothered me. I just googled to try to find out her daughter’s age and your post pops up right under the IMDB page! Ha! I too thought she was maybe a year and a half. A year is being generous.

    Then there’s the whole thing how she presumably would not accept that he was dead and couldn’t let go. Shouldn’t that add, say, a few months to the grieving period, at least??

    Maybe they had a one night stand, stupidly didn’t use protection (or maybe she figured what the heck, I’m getting old so if it happens it happens), then had a shot-gun wedding. I’d be okay with that. That would give her 2 years of mourning which still seems kinda fast to me but it’s not ridiculous, everyone grieves in their own way, some longer than others, blah blah. And if that happened maybe it wouldn’t be crazy for her to take off with Chuck when he returns.

    Couldn’t they have just made her pregnant? Or with a newborn? But maybe that wouldn’t solidify the family enough to give us that ending. The child is old enough to know her daddy and be used to him in her daily life.

    Anyway, thanks for entertaining me, 3 years later :)

  13. She’s not as bad as Jenny from Forrest Gump.

  14. I too, like everyone else found this after googling the little girls age. I agree 100%! I wouldn’t have thought much about it until my friend posted about it on facebook and got me thinking. Touche to JJ, Jenny was a ho too, at least she had drugs as an excuse… Thank you all for the entertainment, many years later!

  15. Too bad they didn’t make the baby even older – like it was Chuck’s child! That way Kelly would have sought comfort from the dentist fellow while she was pregnant and delivered Chuck’s baby. Kelly would not want Chuck’s baby to grow up without a father, so she marries Jerry. That would have been a better story line and made Kelly look less like a fluzzy.

  16. you missed a couple things….When Chuck is flying back it says 4 weeks later after he was found. So first off, she got the call, waited 4 weeks, then still wouldn’t see him when he got back and her husband tells him she needs more time! How much damn time does she need! It wasn’t like she found out yesterday and didn’t know he was coming.

    Not only that, but say the love of your life is lost for some amount of time and is found in another country…do you wait for a month for he/she to take their time recovering and make it back to you….or do you hop on a freakin’ plane and go to them!! Hey Kelly, we found him, but why don’t you go on with normal life for about another month and he’ll come see you…thanks a lot Kelly! Can’t believe she wouldn’t fly there when she got news he was found.

  17. I stumbled on this review after googling, “In Cast Away, did the new husband talk Kelly back into the car when she was supposed to be reuniting with Chuck at the airport?” I loved this flick, but the first time I saw it, I couldn’t help but assume Kelly was bumping uglies with the dentist long before that plane went down. Married with children happened pretty quick, so she musta been ridin’ dirty. You need to do professional movie reviews, because this is right on the money.

  18. I found this by searching ‘cast away how long did kelly wait before remarrying’, and this article was exactly what I was looking for. It’s pretty much the same conclusion I came to. What a goddamn whore bitch. No love ho. Also, what Gabby said. That irked me something fierce.

    Now, all the comments were tl;dr, so I’m not sure if someone mentioned this already, but Chuck loved his maths and he loved his calculations. You know he ran the same numbers in his head that we did when he learned of the unfaithful bitch’s marriage and brat. Like, I wouldn’t blame her for remarrying… eventually. But getting over the supposed death of the supposed love of her life and starting to date probably within a year (at most) of his death? You gotta be some special kinda scum to pull that kinda shit. Oh, and the dentist! He’s not innocent either. He’s almost as bad as Helen’s character in this. Almost.

  19. I think the daughter is closer to 2 all the pics on the fridge show different baby stages(looks like more than 12 months worth)Her wedding pic was nice didnt look like a shotgun affair so doubt she “had to get married” (by olden day standards) and wedding take a few weeks to plan if you arent running to the city hall.Kelly character had been married before then Chuck maybe she thought she better marry next guy..hell she had ring maybe she had booked venue for her wedding to Chuck but, when he couldnt make De tist appointment she went in his place.Wedding appeared to be out doors in nice weather (would be summer Tennesee may be nice but locals wear coats and sweaters in winter remember how they were dressed at airport) Kinda looks like she got married summer after plane crash(search parties looked longer than she mourned)

  20. I’m so glad I came across this post. Couldn’t help but hate that woman, when you hear her saying how she gave up being a professor because ‘things changed,’ has a daughter that looks way older than just one (closer to two), was already divorced once before, then cheats on her new husband outside their family home, all whilst giving false hope, in that moment to Chuck.

    Honestly, just a massive, massive whore.

  21. No everybody didn’t love this movie. in fact it fucking sucked!!

  22. I think she’s a heartless prostitute and Tom Hanks was a wrong when he went to “their” new banging dentist house, whatta simp!

  23. This is a great, GREAT webpage to have come across tonight! The ending of Cast Away always got me. Me and my buddy Johnny Ballgames were discussing this at length. There’s no easy solution.

    Let’s think about this scenario if it were to really happen: It’s a disaster. Lose-Lose all around.

    It’s not really fathomable to me how Chuck would move forward with his life, but in real life, this at least ends as a media circuit and book deal for Chuck. Total disaster for Kelly. Aside from the surprise, confusion and range of emotions she would UNDOUBTEDLY go through, all the haters of the media/internet would descend on her and she would end up crawling into a hole because of the guilt. The dentist would likely peace out at some point. …..i just can’t compute it all. It’s too much to process.

  24. Thank you. I felt this way the first time I saw the movie 16 years ago. What you all seem to have missed, just to make her an even worse character, is how she complains of the baby being “a handful” after he kindly compliments the beautiful baby. Really? Go fuck your self Kelly.

  25. This is the best thing I’ve ever read. This writer is a genius.

  26. Okay, I didn’t read every single comment, but from what I did read, aren’t we missing something? When Chuck goes to Kelly’s house, there is a wedding picture that looks like it was taken at a pretty formal wedding. That would have taken a minimum of 6 months to plan, if not a full year. Way to wait around, Kelly! So she really waited MAYBE 6 months. What a bitch.

  27. This article is a riot, love it! Great writer. Here’s my thought, what Chuck should have asked Kelly in the kitchen was “How old is your daughter?”, rather than “What’s her name?” That would be a tell, hah? I thought the same thing, even if Chuck was MIA for like 4 1/2 years, she has grieved, dated, married and had a baby in that time? And now the baby isn’t even really a baby?? Crazy!

  28. The writer of this post is truly a genius….i felt the same..she is a heartless bitch…and @lisa that would have been a better question to Kelly….awesome

  29. This movie is being replayed on HBO, it is a great movie… like you I have a big problem with this Kelly thing. All that makes sense is she was being consoled by a “friend”, perhaps ( just like When Harry Met Sally) it goes too far too fast. I’m guess at least she wasn’t prepared. Guys always seem to have a secret wish in the back of her mind. She need comfort. Especially is she is continuing to say “he’s coming back… friends and family seem very pushy to not handle “negative feeling” they push, and the push hard… what if she ended up pregnant… as it seems, to me, she not overly in love with being a mom…”she’s a handful” proves that, as any mother who wants her children, not the first thing they say … while always true. Mothers look over the pain of childbirth and that they change your life completely… most of it welcomed… so while if that would have been showed, which is the only thing that makes sense, it just would have it be more of a tear jerker. We all have gut feelings, in deep depression, hard to say… so she marries as she’s pregnant. She seems like a responsible person, as if I was in that situation, not sure I would have done anything different. Which makes it even sadder. I’m a middle aged woman, but my gut says just like Eve was made for Adam.. we all have ” our love of our life”, just gotta be lucky enough to find them. People rush… then you get this high divorce rate(?WHOLE OTHER STORY) but to not leave her family, speaks volumes of her integrity, and I believe one reason he loves her so much. So if she would have run off in the rain, both of been haunted and then relationship doomed… I hate this ending. I actually is
    Such a heartache not just a sad movie… I hate it but it’s also real life in way…I wish I could fix it, even though it’s a complete work of fiction… it’s that gut feeling she had, pushed to move on, and now stuck with other people’s decisions… perhaps if I could fix that, My situation ( no way is similar… it’s that gut feeling though) would help heal so many broken hearts. I believe this is the first blog I ever responded to… this movie has made my hear ache since it came out… I want to make it right!

  30. And just to add to the list of shitty things her character does… when she chases after Chuck in the rain after giving him his Jeep back, she CLEARLY is yelling, “Jack.. Jack…”, not, “Chuck… Chuck…”…. check it out on youtube. So not only does this broad drop him off at the airport on Xmas and go directly to his dentists house to get impregnated, but when Chuck comes back, and goes to her house, she can’t even remember his name when she’s cheating on her husband with him! Lol

  31. I love Hunt and Hanks, they are great actors.
    Here is what bugs the hell outa of me at the end. She’s making jabs at her “new life”… his complement of a nice house is reduced with her “nice mortgage” and Chuck’s.compliment about her beautiful daughter is met with “she’s a handful”.
    Kelly is CLEARLY unhappy with her life. Surrounded by beautiful things and a baby that loves her, because all kids that age love their mommy, and she’s just a bitch about it. None of it was good enough.
    I think Chuck ends up with Bettina Peterson at the end and that they have a good life, because Bettina may not know it yet, but she was on the island with him that whole time too, and a huge part of what got him through everything, including Kelly. In a way it’s almost as though Chuck realized he was better off without Kelly the movie is really are out how he meets Bettina.

  32. Wake up people. It is a movie. Fictional. This didn’t really happen. I can’t believe some of you are so upset. Really! Lol

  33. She was still pissed about the the hand towel gift gag. That’s why she she had such a short morning period before moving Also It seem to me that Helen Hunts character had a southern accent at the end of the movie that wasn’t there at the beginning.

  34. A film I watch over and over again maybe to try and understand my cheating whore of a 1st love I never understood how or why things like this can happen. Even 30 years on. For me this film is very real life. Also Jenny in Forest Gump as mentioned in other comments same kinda thing. Yet for some reason I keep watching both these films without really knowing why ?

  35. Just saw this movie and here is my question, and I am assuming here that she may be not quite the whore you think she is. So why would she not leave her lovely house for the “love of her life”. She will ruin the second guy’s life anyways as well as her own and of course Chuck’s. I never understand these honorable fucken people. Just like Thornbirds, what is the point anyways? Everyone is miserable, great job everyone now go die.

  36. I would like think when he gave watch back he should have said can I get that engagement ring back ?? Maybe cheap ass dentist used ?? it people keep saying it Xmas time but less than 4 weeks between Thanksgiving & Xmas the was dinner was Thanksgiving so with busy schedules they did Xmas early thus on his return they it would be nothing but us time ? However I the comments about the hand towels ” U dirty son of bitch U gave me fucking hand towels I hope your plane explodes over Pacific ocean— she just didn’t think he’d make it back !!! What this movie & Forest Gump have in common folks is Ironey that’s it.!!!?

  37. Great article! I have never liked the ending but never gave much thought to Hunt’s character until reading this article. For me, I love the movie until he’s found and then it all just goes to hell in a handbag. I would’ve preferred an ending more along the lines of a joyous reunion instead of a heartless disappointment. Or at least he’s found alive on Hunt’s wedding day resulting in a
    runaway bride.

  38. Couldn’t have said it better myself! My god! I was so pissed seeing it again and I’m so glad I found this!

  39. Omg. Watched this last night and my mate said exactly what you said in this post. So it still stands today even though this post is a few years old now hahaha
    I Googled age of the child too which Brought me here . My mate was so pissed about it, I tried to stand up kelly but it’s impossible given the age of the child

  40. I just watched Cast Away again just so I could hate on Kelly’s ass again.

  41. 100% agree with you. Castaway was a great movie. That whore ruined it for me. I wish the director had choosen a more happy ending (i know tom hanks saw a girl at the end) but it didnt show they got together lol. Anyways, fuck kelly and fuck the dentist. No respect at all. I hope she gets castedaway or she sees tom hanks with the girl in the end have a very happy life with plenty of kids, while 2 years later, she’s having arguments with the dentist. I want her to feel remorse and jealous lol.

  42. I don’t understand the concern about Kelly’s love life when the big question should be….why is FedEx sending a package for Bettina Peterson who lives in the Midwest from Memphis to Malaysia?

  43. bruh im ded

  44. Kelly is a gigantic bee-yatch! So Chuck comes back and she runs out in the rain to ditch her husband and child? What a stupid fuckin whore of a person. Who the wide world does she think she is? Too bad the poor dentist married such a gold digger. She only wanted to go back to Chuck because he got a huge settlement from Federal Express. Though I did want to see Chuck end up with Bettina I am okay with the ending because Chuck was at both a literal and figurative crossroads. It’s up to us (viewers) to decide what happens. Maybe he doesn’t chase after her right now and maybe he hangs in town for a day or two and bumps into her at the market or coffee shop or gas station and then they hit it off. I like to think Chuck does end up with Bettina and they both live happily ever after. After all did you see her smile? And those eyes? Kismet.

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