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If Rod Blagojevich Goes To Prison, I’ll Eat My Hat!

This entry was posted on Jul 06 2011

Let’s be objective for a moment. Is the American Judicial System perfect? The answer is “yes”, of course it is. This is one of the things America has that it can be most proud of. We’re the envy of the entire world in this respect. We’ve never convicted, nor executed, someone who was innocent. We’ve having a perfect season and no one can stop us. A 100% success rate? It’s mathematically (and I’ve checked this) the best you can be. We haven’t lost a game during the regular season and we’re working our way through the playoffs. When the apocalypse inevitably wipes us off this planet and we’ve yet to sentence an innocent man to prison, or pump his body full of poison, well… that’s us winning the Super Bowl. The United States, we’re the ‘72 Dolphins. We don’t lose. That’s not our M.O., ya heard?

And that’s why I was shocked and appalled when I heard that Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois (and all around terrific guy), had been found guilty on 17 of 20 federal corruption counts. Some of these counts included bribery, extortion, and fraud. The biggest charge against Blagojevich though, is that he allegedly tried to sell Obama’s vacant Senate seat. Doesn’t add up, right? Why would Blagojevich do these things? For personal gain? I’ve never seen a political figure as selfless and giving as Rod. He’s one of a kind. Just like Michael Jordan, he made everyone around him better. When you were in Blago’s company you were compelled to treat others nicer and donate your time to charity. When Rod was within a hundred foot radius of someone, that person became smarter. They made more intelligent decisions financially, socially, romantically, you name it!

He has a tramp stamp of the Bill of Rights, any more questions?

So, why would Blagojevich commit these egregious acts? Out of boredom? The guy snowboards with Shaun White every weekend and hosts a Russian Roulette competition in his basement once a month. Perhaps he’s been sexually frustrated and needed to distract himself from his shortcomings (shortcummings* – get it?) with crime? No way, Rod’s a sexual stallion! He once gave his very plain looking wife ten orgasms in five minutes! She almost died, and if she had, any judge surely would have acquitted him because being an excellent lover has never been something worth denigrating. Rod Blagojevich has the body of a God, but the cool thing is he doesn’t act like he does. He’s very modest and humble. The man is really just nothing short of a delight. So, why the hatred towards him? Why would a jury convict an innocent man for no reason? Jealousy.

Rod Blagojevich had an average jury for his trial. It consisted of very unbiased, impartial men and women. Except one. Connie Wilson, the jury’s forewoman. Just saying her fucking name makes my blood boil. If you took a cup of my blood right now and threw it into someone’s face it would burn every bit of flesh off right down to the bone! I wish I could throw my boiling blood into Connie’s face right now! I wish I could strap her to an extremely uncomfortable wooden board and pour my boiling blood directly into her eyes, straight from my veins, and melt away her vision forever (hiss!). This is the woman responsible for Blagojevich’s guilty verdict and her alone. The rest of the jury adored Rod. They even made a specific point of mentioning it to the media.

“What can I say about Rod Blagojevich”, Juror #4, a woman, asked. “Whenever he flashed that smile at me from the stand my pantsuit became immediately drenched with vaginal juices.”

“Rod Blagojevich is innocent”, screamed Juror #7, a man. “I’ve modeled my entire life after Rod! But she made me vote guilty! That horrible woman forced all of us to vote guilty! This might as well be mortal sin… What have I done…?”

… Juror #7 committed suicide shortly after he was quoted. He went over to the Samurai store across the street from the courthouse, purchased a katana, and drove the sword through is stomach and out his back, before wandering into traffic and being hit by a truck. The man, who was Caucasian, apparently had quite the Japanese fetish. The city planner who’s idea it was to place the cultural Samurai shop across the street from the courthouse is being held in police custody without bail. This man will not be missed, but what I am missing is why these jurors, who seemed to love and respect Rod, would allow themselves to be apparently persuaded (or forced?) to vote guilty. I met privately with every single one of the jurors, except for Connie “Gutterslut” Wilson. Using my expert detective skills (I’m currently reading an Agatha Christie novel and it’s taught me everything I need to know about sleuthing) I believe I have the answer…

Rod Blagojevich is HUGE in the African American community.

INSIDE THE JURY ROOM…

The group of men and women were sitting around the large conference table. Each person was grinning from ear to ear, excitedly chatting about what a lovable character Rod Blagojevich was during the trial.”I want him to have my children”, screamed one of the male jurors. They had begun to make separate lists of Rod’s “Top 10 Most Desirable Qualities” when Connie Wilson interrupted. She screamed at the top of her lungs that everyone would vote “guilty”. At first, they refused. they would never send Rod to jail. It would be the immoral equivalent of putting your dick in your father’s mouth while he slept. Nobody in that room wanted to face-bang their father… except Connie Wilson. She scratched at the men’s eyes and spat in the women’s mouths. She told her fellow jurors about her period in graphic detail for hours on end. Connie relentlessly showed them pictures of her miscarriage earlier that year. Finally, the jurors could take no more and they sobbingly convicted Rod Blagojevich.

So, that’s how our man became a victim of circumstance. But why was he on trial to begin with? That’s the question that’s haunted my dreams for the last two years. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming “not guilty”! The night terrors would wake my mother who would promptly come into my room to beat me into unconsciousness. They say that he tried to sell Obama’s Senate seat. Well, I cry bullshit on that wild accusation! Have you seen the chair they gave Obama while he was serving on the Senate?

You have to think a white guy would have gotten a better chair...

Well now that doesn’t look comfortable one bit. Who would buy that chair? Who would want a seat made from old radiator parts? Nobody, that’s who… After seeing Obama’s Senate seat, does anyone really believe Blagojevich could have sold that chair? The logic working in Blagojevich’s favor seems to be endless, so how could he be on trial? That’s an answer I just don’t know. I mean, I’m trying to put myself in that position. In that chair. I can’t see myself enjoying it very much. The iron beams would probably dig into your spine, ya know? Probably dig into your everything now that I think about it. I prefer to sit on something soft. Maybe something with cotton, or any other normal material that chairs are generally made from. If this chair had a really nice cushion, that would be a different story. Even in the chair was the same, but had a good cushion, it would definitely increase it’s value. And Blagojevich would have to be the best salesman in the world to move that chair as is. Do you understand the kind of pizzazz Rod would need in order to sell that kind of chair? He would he unparalleled pizzazz! That kind of pizzazz is only found in the DNA of God and Brett Favre. And neither of them are in the market of sales. If Blagojevich could sell that chair to ANYONE, well, he could sell ANYTHING! Rod would be able to sell a hamburger to a hamburger factory! What does a hamburger factory need with another hamburger? They manufacture hamburgers, they have all the hamburgers they need! But that didn’t stop them from buying a hamburger from Blagojevich!

Rod Blagojevich was on Celebrity Apprentice. End of sentence, end of discussion. He couldn’t have done any of these things, he was on Celebrity Apprentice. You CAN NOT be a bad person if you were chosen to participate on this juggernaut of reality television (see: Gene Simmons, Jesse James, Darryl Strawberry). In the first episode the teams had to run a New York diner and Blagojevich spent the majority of his time schmoozing with customers and reciting now trademark catchphrases like “innocent until proven guilty”, while neglecting his responsibilities to the team. Doesn’t really fit the bill of a criminal, now does he? A criminal would work hard to win the task for himself and his team, trying to cover up the fact that he’s a piece of shit. But Rod knew he was innocent and wanted to get the word out!

In episode four Rod Blagojevich finally got the opportunity to be the Project Manager, but by this time it was to late. Donald Trump, who was seething with jealousy, was getting sick of Blago. Everyone loved him and Mark Burnett (the producer of Celebrity Apprentice) was considering replacing Trump with Blago. Trump recognized this and even though Rod did a tremendous job creating a 3D Harry Potter Experience, that raised a record seventy-two million dollars for charity, he was fired. Rod Blagojevich sat there in the boardroom between Curtis Stone (celebrity chef) and Michael Johnson (fast black runner) while Trump foamed at the mouth.

“I want to see your birth certificate, Blagojevich”, screamed Trump. “And your penis. Yeah, yeah! The penis, too!”

Blagojevich threw Trump that trademark smirk, stood up, dropped his pants, and flung his dick onto the boardroom table, effectively cracking it in half from the weight.

“Happy now, motherfucker?”, asked Rod. “Want me to knock this thing around a bit and give this table some of my own special lacquer finish?”

Curtis Stone immediately started to prepare a brisket in celebration, while Michael Johnson did laps around the room. Trump couldn’t stop looking at the mayhem. His eyes went completely black. Trump grabbed the cock with both hands and tossed it aside, accidentally hitting Curtis – decapitating him. “YOU’RE FIRED”, screamed Trump. Blago simply shrugged his shoulders and started to bang Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, right then and there. Thus ending Rod Blagojevich’s tenure on Celebrity Apprentice, not to mention the end of Ivanka’s innocence (it should have been me).

Look at him right next to Maria Kanellis. She begged for that spot!

And Blagojevich has two little girls! If he’s in prison, who will take care of them? Not that plain looking mother of theirs, that’s for sure. Who will teach them the family business of governing Illinois? How will they know how to govern Illinois?! Without a firm, honest father figure in their lives they’ll be destined to start expensive drug habits while they con strangers in three card monty on the streets of Chicago. I know this because it almost happened to me! When I was five, (chokes back tears), my father left… to go to the supermarket. I had the mind of a small dog, I didn’t know if he was ever going to come back! My mother told me he had only been gone for twenty minutes, but to me it felt like twenty years! After the first five years (five minutes) I had decided I didn’t need that bastard and began abusing the aerosol cans in my house and working on my sleight of hand. He of course came home soon after with Sunny D and cookies and I forgot all about my anger and bitterness.

Oh, and about this FBI wiretapping nonsense. Where the hell do they get off? Hey, I’m all for the Patriot Act. I even wrote some of it (though my ideas were never published, nor considered). But wiretapping a man of such integrity, such honor? That’s a step too far, sir. That chicken won’t shit. All those “incriminating quotes” were simply taken out of context by the man.

WHAT THEY HEARD: “I mean, I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden. And I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I’m not going to do it.” (Blagojevich said excitedly to an aide the day after Obama’s election in 2008)

WHAT ROD MEANT: The FBI is going to be so embarrassed. Rod Blagojevich was eating Golden Oreos. He usually eats Oreo Cakesters, or original, but that day his aide had bought Golden Oreos by mistake. It was the aide’s first day and he got a real tongue lashing from Rod, but the aide convinced Blago to give these cookies a chance. And boy oh boy, was Rod thrilled. But then the aide wanted some of the cookies, and let’s just say Rod isn’t the biggest sharer (his only flaw). Rod wanted compensation from the aide for each cookie, but the aide had nothing to offer. That quote makes a little more sense now, doesn’t it?

It wasn't the first time Golden Oreos got a beloved political figure into trouble...

The bottom line here is that one of America’s last remaining heroes is being threatened and we’re not doing anything to stop it. We’ll march through Hell and punch Satan in the crotch to legalize gay marriage, but we won’t lift a finger to make sure a saint keeps his freedom? For shame. I’m looking at you (insert your full name). Rod Blagojevich is looking at up to twenty years in prison. It’s time for Barack Obama to step up to the plate and knock one out of the park. He needs to pardon Rod Blagojevich.

Maybe a year or so ago, my friend Frank wrote President George W. Bush (our greatest President) a letter urging him to pardon O.J. Simpson. That was stupid. Simpson was a murderer, everyone knows that. To this day Frank praises O.J. and I’m convinced it’s just to upset me, which it does greatly. But he had the right idea for a pardon. There were two reasons Simpson wasn’t pardoned. (1) Because it was so stupid. Simpson is a murderer who got away with it, and then still went back and held people hostage at gunpoint while he robbed a casino. He’s a monster. He should be put to death by rape. (2) Frank wrote his letter too traditionally. I’m going to write Obama a series of haiku’s to explain my point.

Dear Barack Obama,

Blagojevich, wow

Makes my heart yearn for more, yes?

Set free the caged bird

_________________________________________

The jury is out

Connie’s throat be cut, blood spills

My Rod grows hard, mmmm

_________________________________________

Pardon him, you must

Yoda reference, it’s not

Star Wars sucks, Rod rules!

_________________________________________

Thank you, President

Obama takes no shit, son

I think it’s quite cool

_________________________________________

It meant a lot to me that he read my haiku's at Dorothy Height's funeral.

I hope Barack Obama heeds my words. Something like this would be a black eye for America (no pun intended, I’m not a racist). If other countries saw that we sentenced a modern day deity to twenty years in prison they may begin to look down on us. Right now, at this very moment, every other country in the world adores us. Fact. We can not let the WORLD down, dammit! Blago, I know you didn’t do anything wrong. And soon, everyone else will, too. I promise. I love you.

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