Nolan Ryan: “Josh Hamilton Killed That Fan!”

This entry was posted on Jul 14 2011

As if Josh Hamilton’s season wasn’t rough enough, right? Yesterday the Texas Rangers hosted the Oakland Athletics in a baseball game that made no difference whatsoever because there are one million miserable games a season. Texas pitcher Derek Holland throws to Oakland outfielder Conor Jackson. Jackson fouls the ball into the stands towards left field. The balls bounces out from the ground and on to the field. Josh Hamilton strolls over, picks the ball up, and then murders a fan.

You see, Josh Hamilton generously (we’ll see) tossed the foul ball into the crowd for some lucky fan to snag and take home and cherish forever and tell all his friends about and sleep soundly that night knowing he shared a moment with the Texas slugger. But that wouldn’t be the case. No, not today. That Texas Ranger fan, who was at the ballgame with his young son, reached for the ball over a railing and unfortunately fell twenty feet to the ground. He was taken away by a stretcher semi-conscious, but died shortly after.

Needless to say, Josh Hamilton is pretty distraught about the whole mess. He of course didn’t mean for the man to fall (right?). But because someone did die because of his toss, should he be tried in court? If so, let’s hope he doesn’t get Casey Anthony’s jury. They won’t convict some emotionless woman who partied during the first month her daughter was dead, but Josh Hamilton… you bet your ass he’ll burn. Hypothetically (for now, who knows when the charges will be pressed), if Josh Hamilton was taken to court, what other factors should be looked at?

There wasn't even anyone in the room. He always looks lost...


(1) Conor Jackson – Why did he swing at that pitch? I mean, it was only the second inning and there was only one out. The count was one and one, and the pitch… I mean, it looked kind of wild to me. Possibly a curve-ball, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. And Texas was only up by one run. What was Jackson trying to prove? Perhaps, Jackson was trying to send that ball into left field… But why? So Hamilton could carry out his part of the plan…? Keep swinging for the fences, Conor. We’re on to you.

(2) Derek Holland – He kind of hung that pitch out there, didn’t he? Just let that curve-ball hang right down the middle of the strike zone. Kind of like he wanted Jackson to hook it toward left field, eh? But Joe, doesn’t that theory completely contradict what you said about Conor Jackson swinging at a bad pitch? Maybe… maybe. OR…! Or it doesn’t. Hmmm. This is becoming a regular “whodunnit”. But WHO had DONE it? Josh Hamilton. And Conor Jackson. And also… maybe Derek Holland.

(3) Jon Daniels (Texas Rangers General Manager) – Why did he sign Derek Holland? To throw a bad pitch years down the line to Conor Jackson, so Josh Hamilton could innocently (seemingly) murder a fan? Doesn’t add up, does it? Or does it? Add up, I mean. Hmmm.

So, with Conor Jackson and Derek Holland, accomplices (allegedly), Josh Hamilton took down a man who’s only crime was taking his son to a baseball game. But why? What did Hamilton have to gain from such a grisly act of violence? Everything. That’s what he has to gain from it. Everything. Am I making myself clear? No? Oh…

It’s no secret Josh Hamilton plays better when horrible things happen around him. Before I give you my bulletproof example of this, remember that Josh Hamilton used to have a HUGE drug and alcohol issue. He’s been sober since 2005… except for one little slip. In 2009, Hamilton was at a nightclub and thought he could maybe have one drink. He became very drunk and pictures were taken of him without a shirt surrounded by women. He was allegedly asking where he could get cocaine and how he was going to hit up a strip-club later on. This whole issue is way behind him now and everyone has forgiven him, but it’s significant because what happened in 2010?

2010: Josh Hamilton – 95 Runs, 186 Hits, 32 Home-runs, 100 RBIs, .359 Average.


Tell me you wouldn't watch a video of that!

That’s a pretty convenient season after such controversy. He even won the AL MVP. Very interesting, Mr. Hamilton. Wake up, people. Josh Hamilton is an addict, and besides drugs and alcohol, he’s addicted to pain and suffering. He gets off on this shit. He thrives on it! HE NEEDS IT! Josh Hamilton knew he was following up an MVP season with a goose egg. He struggled with the long ball early in the season and then he broke his arm. Then he started really grasping at straws! Claiming he couldn’t see the ball well during the day, trying to explain to an exhausted media why his average was better at night. Get this… Hamilton says that he’s been having trouble seeing in the daylight because he has blue eyes. Blue eyes. First of all Josh, how dare you try and distract us from your mediocre play by throwing those beautiful eyes in our face! Second of all, bullshit! I ain’t no eyeologist, but I’m more than certain that I can say eye color makes no difference regarding anything. Ever.

He needed controversy! He needed blood. Josh Hamilton knew that the only way he could bring this season back from the dead and avoid becoming the laughing stock OF THE WORLD, he had to kill. He needed to take a life, but not just any life. He needed to make sure it was going to be the most depressing story of the year. He needed a father to take his son to a baseball game. He needed that father to buy his son a glove at the sporting goods store before they arrived at the field, both having high hopes of catching a foul ball. He needed that man to fall from the stands trying to catch that ball, his son watching and screaming during the descent, fans trying desperately to hold on to him. Writes itself, doesn’t it? Overwhelmingly depressing, right? The only thing sadder than this story was the ending to Armageddon (which I will keep bringing up as the saddest thing ever). Josh Hamilton, you’ve done it again.

Of course, this is all theory. It’s more than likely that Josh Hamilton’s fan friendly gesture resulted in a accident and no one is to blame. But, we’ll leave that decision to forensics. We’ll wait for the autopsy. When CSI gets to the scene, they’ll concoct their own interpretations of this mess. Someday, Josh Hamilton will get what he deserves, a lengthy prison sentence without parole or conjugal visits. But until that day comes… everyone should trade for Hamilton in their fantasy leagues because he’s going to be HOT HOT HOT! until the season’s over!

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