The Rise And Fall Of The 7Up Empire

This entry was posted on Aug 08 2011

In two years 7 Up will be dead and forgotten. I’m sorry, that must have come as a shock to you. Let me fix you a drink. Thirsty? Well, I hope you don’t want a 7 Up because I don’t know where I would even get one of those! The world is changing and you’re going to have to get something else to drink! Think about it. When’s the last time you had a 7 Up? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? People aren’t buying 7 Up anymore. Restaurants and other businesses aren’t carrying it anymore, either. For the first time in our generation we’re seeing a popular brand completely die out before our very eyes! It’s going extinct! And let’s face it, there’s nothing we can do about it… We’re too lazy and fat and apathetic and have better things to do with our time. Those aren’t bad excuses. We’re busy people. Older folk, they don’t understand how much strain is put on the wrists from constant masturbation. We’re tired! Oh yeah, I know Grandpa, back in your day you had to walk fifteen miles to the factory in the snow both ways before you got the chance to jerk off… But things are different now! Oh, what’s the point? 7 Up, we hardly knew you…

This logo is so fly it makes me wanna dance on the sky!

When’s the last time you’ve ever seen a 7 Up commercial? They used to be on all the time. Orlando Jones’ claim to fame was being the 7 Up spokesman in the early 2000’s. Jones would literally have no money if it wasn’t for those commercials! Did you really think he could live off The Replacements royalties for the rest of his life? Only Gene Hackman received that kind of stock from that movie. Which brings me to my first point: Orlando Jones aided in the killing of 7 Up. Whether it was intentional or not, we’ll see. You see, I’ve been doing my homework. I went to the oldest library in the world and found the oldest book in the world and I blew all the dust off it’s cover (because it hasn’t been opened in centuries) and I promptly took an antihistamine (because the library wasn’t well ventilated) and deep within that book I found the ancient soda archives and it read… “Legend has it, that when the 7 Up elders grew concerned of Orlando Jones’ growing movie career, they demanded he sign a 100 year contract with the soda titan. The contract stated Jones would be paid in violent beatings and would only be allowed to drink 7 Up. No other drinks, no food.” Now of course, Orlando Jones recognized that this particular contract wasn’t exactly fair and offered several revisions, but the elders said nay! And then they did the most unforgivable thing in the history of the world… They hired another funny black dude to replace Jones. The American people recognized this blatant racism (they also had deep respect for Orlando Jones) and most stopped drinking 7 Up entirely. Thus, the fall of the 7 Up Empire began.

Many compare the 7 Up Empire to the Roman Empire, and rightfully so. The only real difference between the two was that in their hay days, 7 Up had much more money and followers. Historians say that one of the requirements for an empire is that they must eventually fall. I don’t believe that. Just look at America. The perfect country/empire. We’ll never break our stride. Ever. But the Romans knew something that 7 Up didn’t. All good things must… something something something. You see, the Romans knew that those “something’s” probably stood for something, but they didn’t know what. 7 Up on the other hand didn’t care. The 7 Up Empire lived an extremely hedonistic lifestyle, what with the whores and drugs and murders. Oh, you didn’t know about the murders? But you did know about the whores and drugs, you say? Interesting…

The elders, they knew they didn’t have much time to complete all the horrors they had planned. When the 7 Up Empire rose in 1929 under the tyrant Dr. Pepper Snapple Group regime, they found themselves an oracle to predict their downfall. It was much sooner than they expected. The oracle also predicted the rise of two superpowers that would be their eventual destroyers. Sprite in 1961 and Sierra Mist in 2000. The 7 Up elders were pig-headed fools. They were arrogant. They dismissed the oracle’s ramblings as nonsense and had her beheaded. They drained her of her blood and kept it locked away in the catacombs for years, giving it a chance to age properly. They would need 73 years before the blood was ready. In the mean time, they needed to slaughter the innocent (like all good empires). You can’t just start a soda company. Any dictator knows that. You need to commit genocide first. The 7 Up army was marched into Mesopotamia in 1929 and wasn’t allowed to leave until every child was dismembered, every woman was left at the alter, and every man was drowned in his best friend’s semen. Mesopotamia fell in 1930 (that land is now Iraq, coincidence?). 7 Up stripped the land of all it’s riches and natural resources. After what would be known as “The No Lube Sodomy of Mesopotamia”, no country wanted anything to do with 7 Up. The streets were covered in lemon-lime blood.

The oracle's blood was aged in the finest distilleries!

The oracle’s blood had aged for 73 years like the prophecy foretold. And for every year the blood aged, the elders peppered it with evil. Once a year, on the anniversary of the oracle’s death, the elders would gather up some evil and drop it into the barrels that held the blood. One year they dropped in maggots. Another they added paprika (the evilest of all the spices). On another occasion they gave the barrels a DVD copy of Battlefield Earth each. And then in 2002, when the blood had been sitting long enough, they introduced a new soft drink. It was basically 7 Up, but they added one drop of that heinous blood to each bottle. In 2002, the world was introduced to dnL. The name dnL is of course 7 Up, only upside down. If you really think about it, it’s the most disturbing name anyone has ever come up with. It’s like a bizarro-world kind of name. Something Satanists would come up with. This drink was supposed to destroy the planet. Unless of course, one man could die for our sins…

Orlando Jones was a prophet, okay? There, I said it! He was sent here to deliver us all from evil and set himself free! But he never got the chance… 7 Up made sure of that. When 7 Up couldn’t get Jones to sign that horrid contract and replaced him with some other black dude, it mucked everything up! People didn’t know how to feel about a replacement black dude. Some didn’t even realize that it wasn’t Orlando Jones in the commercials anymore! The former drank more 7 Up during their confusion, while the latter continues to support Orlando! But it wasn’t Orlando! Intolerance at it’s worst! Orlando Jones eventually drank himself into a 7 Up coma. A coma that he still remains in today.

I'm not an asshole. That is Orlando Jones.

In 2005, dnL was discontinued. No one really knows why. The marketing was actually pretty hip. It was this same year that some of the 7 Up elders began to be secretly murdered. One after another. No one knew who was orchestrating the assassinations. Every major world government denied involvement, but praised the unknown organization’s initiative. Many suspect Eric Bana, because he was in that movie Munich. Several of the murders were caught on security cameras and closely resembled scenes from the 2005 film. And of course the coinciding years seemed way too coincidental. Even some of the dialogue from Munich was used in the real murders… Needless to say, Eric Bana is under constant surveillance today and will stand trial later this year. But besides all this, 7 Up sales are down and there is nothing specific to point out for their financial collapse. People just aren’t drinking it anymore. I wish I could say that people stopped drinking 7 Up so that they wouldn’t be apart of supporting an immoral conglomerate, but people have definitely NOT stopped being evil. Evil is really in right now. So…

The first time I saw this logo I was drunk and thought it was right side up. I wouldn't know it existed for another two years.

Today, that oldest book in the world that I found in the oldest library in the world… well, it’s gone. It’s destroyed. I spilled some coffee on it while I was in the library. Those pages were very thin and frail and when I tried to wipe the coffee off with my surprisingly coarse sweatshirt it tore the book to shreds. Funny thing is I don’t even drink coffee. I just thought I would look more sophisticated to other people in the library if I was reading some old book while drinking coffee. It worked by the way, if anyone cares. Some pretty good looking chick (she was probably an 9) came up to me after I stuffed the shredded, destroyed book back into the shelf and said that before I destroyed a piece of history, she thought  I looked pretty sophisticated. So, that’s something.

7 Up doesn’t have much longer, and after learning their history, maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world. Perhaps the world will be better off without it. I mean, we still have Sprite and Sierra Mist. And I’m sure some other new lemon-lime soda will be introduced in the future. Let’s just hope they don’t have the same tainted past as 7 Up. So drink up, sluts! And maybe even pay ‘ol Orlando Jones a visit at the hospital. He probably doesn’t have much longer. And whisper sweetly into his ears, “Make 7, Up Yours”.

This was the original slogan. It didn't catch on...

One Response to “The Rise And Fall Of The 7Up Empire”

  1. This post is hilarious. Kinda racist but funny nonetheless. Orlando Jones is known for Mad Tv, The Repalcements, Drumline, Evolution, Time Machine, Office Space, Bedazzled, The Orlando Jones show and about a dozen other movies. I heard him on the radio as the spokesperson for Farmers Insurance this morning. So he may have killed 7up but it didnt hurt him since he’s the only guy from Madtv that anyone has ever heard of. Artie Lang from Howard Stern would be the second guy from MadTV people know and half his book, Too Fat To Fish, is about Orlando Jones saving his life. Say what you want but the guy is really f@cking talented

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