Ben Bernanke, Lend Us Your Beard!

This entry was posted on Sep 20 2011

It’s a pretty uncontested notion that Ben Bernanke, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, ruined the economy. Now, I’m not too fluent in economical jargon. I couldn’t tell you anything that’s happened in this country over the last ten years. I’m not a political guy, I don’t follow that shit. I have many, many others things to entertain myself with, such as: Reading Andre Agassi’s “Open”, drafting a new team for my very outdated NHL video game, predicting my inevitable doom career-wise, and illegally downloading albums which I never get around to listening to. These things keep me plenty busy, so worldly events just don’t make the cut. However, I do on occasion, while skimming Yahoo! Headlines, come across tidbits of news that seep deep into my brain. I can not for the life of me get these tidbits out. It’s as if they’ve burrowed into my temporal lobes like crabs burrow into the pubic hair of a rundown prostitute. A few of these tidbits contained information on Ben Bernanke. Apparently, people are none too happy with this fellow. Supposedly, he did some things that lead to some other things that lead to the country having no money (or something like that). So, the question here is simple: Is Ben Bernanke to blame for the economy?

The answer is no. Think about today’s type of politician, or anyone in charge of anything within the government. They’re all awful. If it wasn’t Ben Bernanke ruining the economy, it would have been some other old white dude. Doesn’t that make sense? That anyone could have run the country into the ground. Try to come up with someone who would have done a good job. Not even a great job, just a good one. Some of you are probably grasping at straws, trying to justify one of your choices, but you’re wrong. They’re all bad choices. It’s 2011. Maybe there were some alright guys back in the 90s, but certainly they’re dead by now. Alright, so why even bother discussing Ben Bernanke? I’ve made it pretty clear in the last three hundred plus words that he isn’t to blame. Why keep talking about him? Well, there is one reason we should all be furious with Ben Bernanke. There’s one obvious truth that we could never overlook. It’s constantly staring us right in the face, mocking us. Mocking us like we’ve never been mocked before. Insulting us in ways our parents could never compete with. Ben Bernanke has the greatest beard in the world.


Facial hair is something everyone can appreciate. We all want the perfect beard. Even women can understand where I’m coming from. Whether it’s their desire to be a man and have a beard like Ben’s, or maybe they just want a man who has a similar beard they could rub their faces against? Women love nuzzling against a perfect beard. Ben Bernanke’s beard is flawless. The superb blend of color, that being an unbeatable salt and pepper. It’s groomed sublime. It’s symmetrical and even and in all the right spots. That beard can have no competitor, nor double. It’s one of a kind. And that’s why Ben Bernanke is so full of himself. He knows that no one can compete with his beard, and that’s made him very dangerous. This fact has made him feel omnipotent. It’s made him… evil.

Now remember, Ben Bernanke’s evil has NOTHING to do with the economy, or politics for that matter. Government, this country, none of that will be mentioned again in this article. They do not matter. What is important is that we find a way to stop Ben Bernanke, because he’s already cooked up a diabolical scheme that’s taken several lives. You see, Ben knows that his beard gives him extreme intelligence. Everybody knows this. But in recent months he’s used this newly acknowledged intellect to develop what the public calls, a “brain eating amoeba”. This summer, the brain eating amoeba has killed three people, including a nine-year old from Virginia and a sixteen-year old from Florida. Ben Bernanke developed the amoeba in his basement laboratory and released the single cell organism into the environment soon after it’s completion. The amoeba thrives in warm, stagnant water. Bernanke knows there isn’t an adult alive that can grow a beard like his, but he can’t be sure that there isn’t a child alive that may someday grow up with such advanced testosterone that he might grow a beard far more superior than Ben’s (or a girl who might someday have gender surgery and take testosterone supplements). Ben Bernanke is going to exterminate all children on this planet.

That amoeba has shockingly sophisticated taste.

And can you blame him? I have a beard, and it’s a pile of shit compared to Ben’s. I see that man on CNN and weep on my knees, knowing I’ll always pale in comparison. I’m forever doomed. I walk down the streets and people wearing Ben Bernanke t-shirts notice my beard and spit in my face. My parents have me on speed dial, always trying to come up with the next lame-beard joke they might think of. Sometimes Ben Bernanke comes to my house himself! I answer the door and he just stands there, laughing. He’ll stand there for twenty minutes, just cracking up. Holding his sides. Drinking milking just so it’ll come out his nose. Some of that nose milk lands on my feet because I answer the door in sandals. It’s disgusting, and very mean. How does he know where I live? How does he know I’m this jealous of his beard? Why does he have this kind of free time? He makes weekly trips! Why is this happening to me?

I usually have answers for the problems I write about. I usually provide you with some explanation to the madness, or a logical rambling of things you can do. But in this case, I’m at a loss. Ben Bernanke’s beard will always be better than mine. I can’t do anything to change this. During the four months after my first love broke up with me, I decided to stop shaving. I said to myself, you’re depressed, and when people are depressed, they stop shaving. That was really my logic. But the hair on my upper lip never comes in more than a scraggily mess. Nothing grows on my upper cheeks, either. The best I can muster is this Amish looking disaster you see below.

Probably the worst picture ever taken. Ever. Not just of me. Ever.

And let’s face it, who was I kidding? That doesn’t look good (even though I’m clearly dressed for success and drunk enough). Ben Bernanke, you win. Please stop visiting me and laughing in my face. I don’t blame you for what the Federal Reserve has done to this country, I simply envy your facial hair. Oh, and that whole “brain eating amoeba” thing… Just, you know, keep that shit away from me. Don’t bring any over to my house. I don’t want to see it. Killing children is cool, no one is arguing that, but my immune system is only so awesome, you know? I don’t have enough brain to begin with. I don’t need amoebas crawling around the inside of my skull. It’s doesn’t sound good. Frankly, the thought of earwigs existing freaks me out. Just knowing that their one true purpose is to crawl inside someone’s ear and devour everything they can. I don’t like that. I don’t like bugs and I don’t like amoebas. This is a message to all of you: Take refuge in your homes, NOT warm, stagnant waters. Also, shave. Give up. The winner is Ben Bernanke and will be until he dies. And he’s not going to die. Not with a beard that perfect.

The best President in history, shaking the hand of the best beard in history.

2 Responses to “Ben Bernanke, Lend Us Your Beard!”

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