Happy Columbus Day, From DeadAirFM!

This entry was posted on Oct 10 2011

Here we are once again, my sloppy little babies. Columbus Day! We recognize this holiday because of a great man, Mr. Christopher Columbus. A man who deserves our undying respect and honor. Lately however, it’s become “very cool” to hate on Columbus. If you were to surf your local social networking website today, you would be disgusted to see many, many anti-Columbus statuses, posts, etc. People who think he was just some guy who got lost in the ocean, stumbled upon a new world, and then slaughtered it’s occupants without mercy. And…? That sounds incredible. And that’s also what EVERYONE back in the day was doing. You know, if Columbus hadn’t come along and wiped out the savages, someone else would have. We weren’t there, people. None of you hipsters were wandering the Native American tribes that day when Columbus rolled in. You don’t know how it all went down. Hypothetically, how do we know that when Columbus showed up, the Native Americans (or “horror monsters”, as they will now be referred as) didn’t freak out and scalp half his crew? How do we know they didn’t capture some of Columbus’ buddies and eat their brains? We don’t. Liberals and hipsters and trend-obsessed assholes are just ASSUMING that Columbus raped and pillaged these “innocent” and “peaceful” people. Those horror monsters could have been very nice, kind people, OR, they could have been Godless killing machines that ate genitalia. Columbus could have showed up and tried to befriend them, or he could have shot each and every horror monster in the face and skull fucked the children. We’ll never know what happened that day, but there is one question we can ask… Who gives a shit?

The best day of the year? Yes.

Let’s assume the worst. Let’s assume that Columbus, after getting crazy drunk and banging out a baby, got lost in the ocean and stumbled upon this new land with all these beautiful natives living there. He slaughters all of them and claims the land as his own. What’s the problem? Do you people not like being alive (because you wouldn’t be had he not discovered this country)? Do you people not like having off from work and school today (because no Columbus, means no holiday)? Are you people crybaby pussies (because death and war are part of life, bitches)? I can only imagine how liberal hipsters (and yes, I’m generalizing anyone who is anti-Columbus as “liberal hipsters”) wanted that day to go down…


Christopher Columbus sets sail for a new world. He’s brimming with optimism and sobriety. He treats each and every member of his crew with the utmost respect and pays them a generous salary for their hard, dedicated work. He just finished Billy’s performance review as first mate (Billy is trans-gender, but Columbus has no problems with it, he’s very tolerant). Billy deserved a “needs improvement”, but Columbus gave him a “satisfactory” as to not hurt his/her feelings. The ship reaches shore and Columbus and his crew are greeted by the natives of the land. Everyone is very friendly and excited to exchange ideologies. Hugs are more abundant than they’ve ever been! Everyone gathers around the campfire and eats tofu sandwiches. Deer and other wildlife nuzzle the ankles of the men while the native children perform a traditional play for everyone’s entertainment. They decide to live together peacefully. They re-name the country “The Love Moon Land of the Snuggle Bugs”. Oh, and before the night is over they legalize marijuana and gay marriage.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

That’s what you guys imagine, huh? That sounds horrible. That’s a nightmare scenario. I actually threw up on my keyboard as I was writing that. It pained me to make up such a pathetic, unrealistic story. Folks, Columbus probably murdered every single horror monster the first fucking day. Manifest Destiny, motherfuckers. Who cares? We wouldn’t be here today if not for that genocide. Violence is part of our everyday life. Anyone who thinks Columbus is a monster, here are some questions for you. Do you listen to violent music? Do you watch violent movies? Do you read violent books? Do you get into violent arguments? Is there sex in your violence (yes, it’s a Bush reference)? There’s no way your life is completely void of violence, so to hate Columbus for the same violence (granted, yours is probably on a lesser scale) would be somewhat hypocritical. And if you actually said no to all of those questions, you probably fuck trees, so who gives a shit what you think? What are you going to do about it? Nothing.

These are some of the statuses I came across today…

“He was a rapist murder and slave owner who got lost, I’m not impressed.”

“Good old Christopher, took a ship, got totally wasted and lost, crashed into a rock, murdered the people he met instead of saying I’m sorry, I crashed into your rocks. hahahah What a party that must of been.”

Classic liberal hipster sentiments, right? Thank God for my friend Ryan, who most of the time I disagree with immensely, for posting these next two pro-Columbus statuses.

“I shouldn’t be in class. I should be celebrating the bravery of an explorer. Hurrah!”

“It’s become way too cool to hate on Columbus. You barely leave your computer chair. He took a rickety ship and sailed into the unknown. If you’re mad we stole America go give your house to a native american. If not, shaddup.”

No one should hold any ill will toward Columbus. How long ago was all this? Enough with the “why should we celebrate a murderer” talk. Don’t be that guy. The guy who has to interject some philosophical interpretation to a social norm. The kind of guy who responds to someone talking about death with, “well, you know, everyday we’re dying”. Everyone hates those people, except other people who talk and act like that. Don’t like Columbus? That’s fine, keep that shit to yourself, because no one else cares. It’s such a trivial fucking thing to complain about that it makes everyone sick. Listening to you people is worse than cancer.

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